Goat Head Gumbo

Food Stamp Conversions

2012-02-08T11:10:00.002-06:00

As a result of some comments Newt Gingrich made regarding food stamps, it's come to light that more white people than black people receive food stamps. About 42% of food stamp recipients are white, compared to only 28% who are African American. This of course presents a small problem with the "welfare Cadillac" meme, but "the 53%" needn't worry. With just a few minor changes, they can use the

Other Laws Oklahoma Should Pass

2012-02-06T14:07:00.001-06:00

In November of 2010, the Oklahoma legislature approved an amendment that would make it illegal for courts to consider Sharia law when deciding cases. More recently, legislation has been introduced to make it illegal to sell food products made out of aborted fetuses. I, for one, am glad to hear that Oklahoma is boldly taking the initiative to ensure that there are laws in place to prevent

Doubleplus Ungoodthink

2012-01-02T14:25:00.003-06:00

From the December issue of Bazooka Magazine:“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought. A bad usage can spread by tradition and imitation even among people who should and do know better.”--George Orwell, Politics and the English LanguageAs Orwell, Carlin, and other people who aren’t even named George have observed, controlling language is the first step to

Your Holiday Movie Guide

2011-12-08T09:20:00.002-06:00

This article was written for the November/December issue of Bazooka Magazine, which has been unavoidably delayed (but will hopefully be out in the near future). Since some of the movies are already out or about to be released, I'm posting a little early here. I'll also throw in some updates for the films I've seen since I wrote the original. Big Holiday Movie Guide That I Should Have Come Up With

The War On [Insert Holiday Here]

2011-11-16T19:24:00.005-06:00

As anyone who watches Fox News (or--more likely if you're reading this--The Daily Show's coverage of Fox News) knows, a WAR ON CHRISTMAS has been raging for the past several years. This all-out attack on Christian values mainly involves acknowledging that not every single person is a Christian, but if you've got more than five friends on Facebook, you probably know that there's another more

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's Social Justice Superman!

2011-11-01T10:53:00.002-05:00

From the October 2011 issue of Bazooka Magazine:Earlier this year DC Comics, facing flagging sales, announced that it would reboot its entire line of comics. The new books were supposed to provide a chance for writers to re-imagine some of the classic characters and give new readers a jumping-on point that wasn’t bogged down in decades of continuity. The new books released in September to a

Oakland Police Steal Protester's McRib!

2011-10-27T18:36:00.009-05:00

First off, I should probably ease your mind a bit: The Oakland police didn't really steal anyone's heat-lamped chunk of slightly-higher-than-dogfood quality pork. That would unforgivable.What the Oakland police did (aside from befriending adorable kitty-cats) was fire tear gas, flash bang grenades, and rubber bullets at peaceful protesters. During the fray, one filthy hippie--a former Marine

Drugs, Math, and SCIENCE!

2011-09-29T19:22:00.003-05:00

From the September issue of Bazooka Magazine:Since it’s a well-documented anecdotal fact that most welfare recipients are drug dealers who abuse the system so they can buy gold teeth and new rims without having to get a real job, it’s fairly common to hear people (and by “people,” I mean “morons”) suggesting that we could save a lot of tax money if we’d just ignore that pesky Fourth

One More And I'll Shut Up About Comics (for a while)

2011-09-28T22:09:00.003-05:00

I’m not sure if DC saved the best for last or if everything just looks better compared to last week’s releases, but I think this week’s releases had the best overall quality so far. Nothing managed to beat out Action Comics for my favorite book of the reboot, but there’s some good stuff here (of course there’s some bad and unremarkable stuff, too). All-Star WesternI heard good things about

The DC Reboot Continues

2011-09-25T22:41:00.002-05:00

New week, new comics. But first, great news: J.T. Krul is off Green Arrow. The reign of terror is over! Even better, he’ll be replaced by Keith Giffen. Looks like the wall of pure hate I’ve been sending out finally paid off.We’ll start off with the one I missed last week:Mister TerrificI’ve always like the Michael Holt incarnation of Mr. Terrific. In addition to being a believable take on a hokey

Google Plus Improvement Suggestion: Subscription Circles

2011-09-22T11:50:00.002-05:00

One of the big selling points/innovations of Google Plus is its inclusion of circles. These are basically lists that allow you to organize your contacts into custom lists which are used to control who can see a particular post. Circles are great for controlling privacy (you can post pictures of last night’s party to your “Bar Friends” circle and not have to worry about your grandmother seeing

Get Ready, Movie Fans, It’s Shitember!

2011-09-19T09:48:00.003-05:00

From the September Issue of Bazooka Magazine:Every movie fan knows that summer movie season draws to a close sometime between the middle and end of August; I think Fright Night pretty much closed it out this year. Starting in October (amidst what seems to be an ever-decreasing number of forgettable but enjoyable horror flicks), studios will be releasing the films that they think will get Oscar

DC Reboot, Week 3: Eh.

2011-09-16T09:51:00.000-05:00

I decided not to pick up all the new DC reboot comics this week. The first week’s selection was mostly mediocre, so this time around I picked up major characters, characters I like, and a few that sounded neat. I skipped Deathstroke, Grifter, Legion Lost, Red Lanterns, and Resurrection Man and missed Mister Terrific (which I do want to read). The verdicts on the ones I read:Batman and RobinOnce

Dan Didio Nut-Kick Theater

2011-09-09T08:28:00.003-05:00

Since this blog has been mostly politics lately, let’s talk about comic books.While I still go pick up new books every Wednesday, I’ve gotten way behind on actually reading them. I’m anywhere from 2 to 10 issues behind on most books at the moment and just can’t find time to sit down and catch up. When I do catch up on something, it’s not unusual to realize that I should have stopped buying it

Confessions of a Hopium Eater

2011-08-24T08:40:00.004-05:00

From the August 2011 issue of Bazooka Magazine: I was enlightened or warped, depending on how you look at it, by George Carlin at a relatively young age. One of the things I agreed with Carlin about for a long time was voting, on which he said: "I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around.

Open Letters To The Universe

2011-08-19T07:57:00.002-05:00

From the August issue of Bazooka Magazine There’s a lot of stupid shit going on lately, but I’ve been too busy (or maybe just too lazy) to cover it all in depth here. Instead, I’m going to use a contrived “open letters to people I don’t know” format that will allow me to hit the highlights while simultaneously annoying the Update Update guys. So everybody wins. Dear Sarah Palin, Did you really

Insert Your Own Weiner Joke Here

2011-07-26T16:40:00.002-05:00

From the July issue of Bazooka Magazine: As you probably all know, New York Congressman Anthony Weiner recently got into some trouble for Twittering pictures of his, well, weiner. As a result, partially due to pressure from his own party (motto: Democrats: Spine Free Since ‘83!), Weiner resigned from his job even though he never even got laid. Personally, I think he should have kept his job. As

Race, History, and Cairo

2011-06-30T08:30:00.004-05:00

This article originally appeared in the June issue of Bazooka MagazineWhen the Army Corps of Engineers announced that they might bust the Birds Point levee to help relieve pressure on the flood walls of Cairo, Illinois, a lot of people complained. While there were some legitimate arguments against the plan--the possibility that it wouldn’t really do any good, questions about whether it would set

Five Fun Facts About Food Stamps

2011-05-07T16:30:00.003-05:00

From the April issue of Bazooka Magazine:In case you haven’t heard, Yum! Brands has been lobbying legislators to allow fast food restaurants to accept food stamps. WPSD posted a note about this on their Facebook page the other day. As you can probably guess, over 90% of the people who left comments ignored the fact that this change is being suggested by one of the world’s largest fast food

Rivers Are Dicks and Should Be Boycotted.

2011-04-27T21:23:00.000-05:00

For most of my life, I’ve thought of nature as an impartial force that didn’t judge people based on race, creed, gender, or any of those other factors that we humans use to compartmentalize others, usually to our own detriment. Earthquakes didn’t care what god you prayed to, tornadoes destroyed homes of people of every ethnicity, and hurricanes didn’t do credit checks. Then I found out I was

My Influence Map

2011-04-02T18:27:00.002-05:00

My pals Josh Burnett and Jeffrey Johnson recently posted their influence map on their blogs. The meme was started by fox-orian at deviant art for visual artists, but why let the guys who draw pretty pictures have all the fun? 1. Robert Anton Wilson: I didn't actually discover St. Bob until I was in my early or mid 20s, but once I started reading his stuff, I didn't stop until I'd read everything

Giving Green On Fridays Will Help The Troops More

2011-03-11T18:29:00.006-06:00

Internet activism. Where else can so many feel so good about doing so little? Everyone knows that posting a status update, even without links to sites that allow you learn more about a problem or take action of any kind, is more effective than 1,000 people in cause bracelets driving 1,000 SUVs with yellow ribbon magnets. Internet activism allows you to stand alongside the small, brave,

Honeywell’s Storage Pond Shut-down Plan Is Completely Safe (According To Honeywell)

2011-02-28T11:05:00.004-06:00

From the Feburary 2011 issue of Bazooka MagazineI went to Honeywell’s community meeting on January 12th mainly because I thought it would be a good place to hear some gossip and maybe talk to some people about a possible story on the lockout. The actual reason of the meeting--Honeywell’s plan to close four storage ponds at the plant--didn’t seem like much of a story. The ponds (and all the toxic

The Bucky Awards

2011-02-14T10:17:00.003-06:00

From the current issue of Bazooka Magazine.It’s awards season, and there’s really no reason why people with informed opinions and credentials should have all the fun. Nominees for each category were selected by a panel of me and winners were decided by a vote of eligible members of the Manitoba Academy (also me). Where appropriate, I have provided commentary to further explain the award and/or

File Sharing = Terrorism?

2011-01-18T08:55:00.002-06:00

This article originally appeared in the December/January issue of Bazooka Magazine. The next time you decide to visit your favorite torrent website, there’s a chance you’ll see a big shiny Department of Homeland Security logo and message about how much prison time you can get for copyright infringement. In the last week of November, the DHS shut down and seized the domain names of at least 76

2011-01-07T19:09:00.000-06:00

"I'll tell you why [religion's] not a scam, in my opinion: tide goes in, tide goes out. Never a miscommunication. You can't explain that. See, the water, the tide comes in and it goes out, Mr. Silverman. It always comes in, and always goes out. You can't explain that."--Billo the (Insane) Clown

Top Ten Predictions For The Future

2010-12-08T11:24:00.002-06:00

The following articles was originally published in the November issue of Bazooka Magazine. Rand Paul is Kentucky’s new Senator, and throughout his campaign he’s made a lot of vague promises about smaller government, lower taxes, and letting the magical invisible unicorn hoof of the free market fix all of society’s ills. Of course, Rand Paul is just one man, and even though the GOP won the House,

The Agony of Victory

2010-12-02T21:02:00.003-06:00

Earlier today, the House of Representatives held a vote to extend the Bush tax cuts only to those making less than a quarter of a million dollars a year. All but 3 Republicans voted against the measure because the tax cuts did not extend to the wealthiest Americans. Cheerleaders for what passes for the left in this country are calling this a victory. By voting to raise everyone's taxes if the

Dangerous Liberal Activist Foiled By Brave Rand Paul Supporters

2010-11-16T08:30:00.005-06:00

This article appears in the November issue of Bazooka Magazine. The morning after the final Conway/Paul debate on KET (the one where they both acted like snide middle school kids in the principal’s office), the first thing to pop up in my news feed was the video of moveon.org employee Lauren Valle being tackled and having her head stomped by Rand Paul supporters before the debate. The video was

An Open Letter To Rand Paul

2010-11-03T23:41:00.002-05:00

Dear Senator-Elect Paul,Congratulations on your recent election to replace Jim Bunning as a Senator of Kentucky. While I only saw a short clip of your victory speech, I was mildly surprised by the confidence you exhibited during the speech. It was a great improvement over the figity, eye-darting, nervousness I saw you when debated Jack Conway in Paducah a few weeks ago. I assume this change is

Top Ten Reasons To Vote

2010-11-01T10:51:00.001-05:00

From the October issue of Bazooka Magazine: 10. You can leave work for a little while. 9. Over half of U.S. citizens don’t vote. That hasn’t worked out real well for us so far.8. The United Kingdom typically has 10-20% higher voter turnout than the U.S. Are we going to let those limey bastards win again?7. If you don’t vote, Bono might cry.6. Have you seen the people who are really vocal about

Rand Paul Doesn't Know The Meaning Of The Word "Hypocrisy"

2010-10-20T11:09:00.003-05:00

Video shamelessly swiped from Barefoot & Progressive.

Aqua Buddha: Rand Paul's False Idol

2010-10-18T19:04:00.002-05:00

Since the November issue of Bazooka Magazine won't be out until after the election, the October issue was all about politics. As part of the political coverage, Bella asked me to do a story about Rand Paul's Aqua Buddha misadventures in college. I Googled the story and found a bunch of reports that were practically the same. Since straightforward coverage would mean that the Bazooka story would

Jack Conway: Not As Bad As I Thought

2010-10-15T11:55:00.003-05:00

As those of you who regularly read my irregular updates to this blog know, I’m a regular contribute to Bazooka Magazine, the local alternative newspaper here in western Kentucky. After a year and some change, it looks like we’ve finally convinced a few people that we’re legit, because Bella (Bazooka’s owner/editor/publisher) managed to snag some spots with the other press people up on the balcony

Ideology Vs. Practicality

2010-09-20T11:22:00.001-05:00

Archangel M just posted a blog at the Hillbilly Report offering his suggestion for reforming the Democratic Party: Vote third party. He makes a good point: For quite a while now, the narrative has been about “swing voters” who won’t vote for candidates that are too liberal, which has led Democrats to move closer and closer to the right. If enough of the Democratic base abandoned them for

Fear & Loathing In Graves County

2010-09-04T22:48:00.010-05:00

This article appears in the current issue of Bazooka Magazine.I’d originally planned to write an article about the First Amendment for this issue, since it’s been in the news a lot lately. I was going to talk about the sheer economy of language by which the founding fathers packed the most essential freedoms of our society into just 45 words. Then I would launch into a story of the Coke Zero

Is the Ground Zero Mosque the GOP's Way of Gaming Google?

2010-08-04T12:56:00.006-05:00

We all know that politicians love misdirection. If something comes out that isn't very flattering, the spin machine goes into overdrive to manufacture some kind of controversy or glurgy display of PATRIOTISM! to distract people from what's really going on. The political machine that Turd Blossom put together is especially good at this. On several occasions, though, I've noticed that the GOP

Oil Spill Related Dick Moves That You May Not Have Heard About

2010-07-31T12:46:00.004-05:00

This article appears in the July 2010 issue of Bazooka Magazine. If you think that BP, Haliburton, the MMS, and the other key players in the Deepwater oil spill are content with being everyday evil corporations, you’re not paying attention. These guys are vying for, and in some cases attaining, full-fledged super-villain status, which is normally reserved for people who go up against Batman, or

Vocabulary Lesson

2010-06-22T08:14:00.002-05:00

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." --Inigo Montoya, The Princess BrideA long time ago, people didn't have language. That meant that whenever a saber-toothed tiger or other flesh-eating thing was headed toward the village, the caveman who knew it was coming had to try to communicate the threat to the others through the use of grunting, screaming, and

Robin Hood: Prince of Teabaggers?

2010-05-16T22:45:00.008-05:00

As I sat through Ridley Scott's new Robin Hood movie, I thought the main problem with it was the fact that, except for the characters, it had absolutely nothing to do with the Robin Hood legend. It wasn't a bad medieval war flick, it just wasn't really a Robin Hood movie. Since bad Robin Hood movies are made with alarming frequency, I wasn't too upset. That is, until I realized on the drive home

Giant Douche Vs. Turd Sandwich: Kentucky's May Primaries

2010-05-12T08:50:00.003-05:00

This article appears in the current (May 2010) issue of Bazooka Magazine. I usually wait until the next issue is out to re-post articles, but am making an exception since the primaries will be over by then. I freely admit that there are several "homages" here to the Barefoot and Progressive blog. Check it out for great coverage of Kentucky politics. On May 18th, a tiny percentage of our state's

Book Review: The Wrecking Crew

2010-04-16T10:27:00.002-05:00

For those of you interweb types who still read regular books, I recommend Thomas Frank's The Wrecking Crew, which does a good job of explaining why conservatives win when government fails. You can read my review at epinions.com

Tea Parties: An Accurate Name?

2010-04-15T07:40:00.002-05:00

Here in America, we like to imagine that the founders of our nation were heroic idealists unaffected by greed or self-interest. We praise their revolutionary idea that all men are created equal while ignoring the fact that they bought and sold other humans; we conveniently ignore the fact that they made themselves richer through war bond scams; and we boil the Boston Tea Party down to a simple

My Anti-Resume

2010-04-14T10:39:00.003-05:00

My current job sucks. I get paid about 2/3 the going rate for either of the jobs I do; the only way to get a raise is to give your two weeks' notice and hope they want you to stay; and a lot of the people I work with are either stupid, incompetent, or suffering from a diagnosable mental condition (at least one is all three). Also, I have absolutely no interest in either my current position or the

Seven Amazing True Facts About Health Care Reform (According to Wingnuts)

2010-03-26T12:08:00.003-05:00

There's a staggering amount of misinformation being spread about our nation's recent health care reform act. So much, in fact, that it's hard for people who haven't been paying attention to understand what's really going on. Fortunately for you, dear readers, I have been closely following the debate, and have decided to uses this installment of Goat Head Gumbo to inform you of some important TRUE

Movie-Going For Morons

2010-01-26T21:28:00.004-06:00

This article originally appeared in the December 2009 issue of Bazooka Magazine.Since I live too far from the thriving metropolis of Paducah to do any serious drinking and still make it home in one piece, I go to the movies a lot. There’s just not much else to do around here that’s still fun when you’re sober. I usually average around two movies a week, so it’s not unusual for me to encounter

Books I Read in 2009 (Most with some kind of review)

2010-01-02T14:53:00.003-06:00