Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Music. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Lester "Proudfoot" Jackson
Here's a page from my book Obscure Early Bluesmen (Who Never Existed), which you can buy for money.
Lester "Proudfoot" Jackson
 |
| LOC, Lomax Collection, LC-DIG-ppmsc-00542 |
According to all accounts, Lester Jackson’s life before 1939 was one of crime, sloth, and drunkenness. When he discovered an unattended copy of J.R.R. Tolkein’s The Hobbit in the drunk tank of the Pikimpsitonka County jail, the book completely changed his life. Taking on the name “Proudfoot,” Jackson returned to his small farm and began construction of his own underground
“Hobbit Hole.” He traded in his gambling and boozing for gardening and collecting. When he found an old dulcimer at a swap meet, Proudfoot taught himself to play and began composing Middle-Earth-themed music. Proudfoot had several minor hits through Chump Records including “My Hobbit Hole Ain’t Whole (Since My Baby Left Me),” “Magic Hat Blues,” “I Been There and Back Again,” and “Ramble On.” Posthumous examination of his prolific journals and diaries reveals that Jackson was likely delusional.
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Bucky Awards
From the current issue of Bazooka Magazine.
It’s awards season, and there’s really no reason why people with informed opinions and credentials should have all the fun. Nominees for each category were selected by a panel of me and winners were decided by a vote of eligible members of the Manitoba Academy (also me). Where appropriate, I have provided commentary to further explain the award and/or decision.
Books & Comics
Literary Event of the Year: The release of Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1 by Mark Twain
How often does a guy who’s been dead for a century release a new book?
Book of the Year: Last Words: A Memoir by George Carlin and Tony Hendra
This books was actually released in November of 2009, but in the words of Carlin himself, “these are my rules, I make ‘em up.”
Best Short Story Collection: Who Fears The Devil?(Planet Stories) by Manley Wade Wellman, collected by Paizo Publishing
A collection of stories about John the Balladeer, an Appalachian troubadour who fights evil with his silver-stringed guitar. It’s like a Shack Shakers album in book form.
Most Inexplicable Literary Phenomenon: Steig Larsson’s The Girl Who Did Things series
I’ll admit I’ve only seen the movies, but I just don’t get it. I could see an argument that the girl of the title is a strong female character, but all her strength is rooted in victimhood, Swedish Hero Man ultimately saves her every time, and I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that she may in fact just be spank material for some dude named Steig. Also, I hear the writing’s pretty bad.
Most Still Alive Author: Dave Barry
Because I just realized that with the exception of Hendra, every author I’ve mentioned so far is dead.
Best New Comic: The Sixth Gun by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt
Awarded to the creative team with the most double consonants in their names.
Most Disappointing Character Death: Rupert Giles in Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season Eight
If you’re going to kill a character whose been around since the beginning of the TV series, you really should make it count (and get a better artist to draw it).
Comic Book Character With Too Fucking Many Titles: Batman
Seriously, I can’t afford all this shit.
Worst Mini-Series of the Year: The Rise of Arsenal by J.T. Krul
It’s very likely that The Rise of Arsenal is, in fact, the worst comic mini-series ever. After his daughter is killed in a super-villain-caused disaster, Roy Harper (formerly Green Arrow’s heroin addict sidekick, Speedy, who at different times has also been known as Arsenal and Red Arrow), understandably loses his shit and starts doing a new drug called “China cat.” Some authors would have turned this into a poignant story of loss and redemption, but not J.T. Krul. In no time, Krul has Roy remembering the good ol’ days of drug use and gang rape with the ghost of his former dealer, and by issue 3 (arguably the worst comic ever written), Roy has his ex (and dead kid’s mother) tied up and is trying to have sex with her, but can’t get it up. So he goes out and beats up some homeless guys in order to protect a dead cat (that he thinks is his daughter). Then Batman shows up and beats the shit out of him while telling him, After-School Special style, “I’m your friend!” I’m sure I read beyond that, but at this point I’ve blocked it out. This mini-series managed to take a character who for decades has been merely uninteresting and make him unlikable and creepy.
Worst Ongoing Comic Series of the Year: Green Arrow by J.T. Krul
Fucking J.T. Krul. After he made us hate Arsenal, he was allowed to take on the re-launch of Green Arrow. The premise: well, Green Arrow’s sort of like Robin Hood, so he should be an outlaw in a forest. So, since a huge chunk of Star City has just been destroyed (in the catastrophe that killed Roy Harper's daughter and/or cat), why not have a magical forest spring up there, banish Green Arrow from Star City, and have him live in the forest? I’ll tell you why not, J.T. Because it’s fucking retarded. Green Arrow is my favorite super-hero, but I secretly hope for this title to be canceled.
Politics & Journalism
Reporter of the Year: Matt Taibbi (Rolling Stone)
For making Wall Street and banking schemes that were incomprehensible by design understandable to normal humans, and doing it in an entertaining way.
Best Political Blog: You Are Dumb (www.youaredumb.net)
For calling out stupid people for being stupid.
Best Kentucky Blogger: Joe Sonka of Barefoot & Progressive (http://barefootandprogressive.blogspot.com/)
For asking whether there will be dinosaurs on the ark.
Story of the Year: Jon Ronson’s interview with the Insane Clown Posse, in which they reveal that they are, and have always been, evangelical Christians.
Because a giraffe is a fucking miracle.
Stupidest Political Trend: The Left claiming that their rhetoric is just as hateful and violent as the Right’s.
Seriously. Quit it.
Funniest Political Story: Aqua Buddha
Remember, it’s funnier to the tune of Kool & The Gang’s “Jungle Boogie.”
Southern Hospitality Award: The City of Mayfield
For their acceptance of the Somali Muslims.
Gadsden Flag Award: Rand Paul
For protecting small business owners from the kind of government tyranny that would require them to serve black people.
Biggest Disappointment: The Mid-term Elections/The Obama Presidency (tie)
These are really two sides of the same coin, both proving that most Americans are stupid enough to believe that there’s a difference between the political parties. The truth is we’ve got one party: The Corporate Interest Party, which politically is somewhere to the right of nearly every single one of the first 39 Presidents. We need some variety. Next time around, lets elect some old school Democrats, old school Republicans, true Progressives, principled Libertarians, Environmental Nutjobs, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and METHODISTS!
Movies
Best Movie: True Grit
Best Use Of Gratuitous Violence In A Motion Picture: Machete
Triumph of the Year: The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
Those of us who have experienced the heartbreak of watching Lost In La Mancha were sure that Heath Ledger’s death would make this another Gilliam movie that never saw the light of day.
Tragedy of the Year: News that The Man Who Killed Don Quixote was once again on hold.
Seriously, why the hell won’t somebody just give Gilliam a big pile of money? Also, the film rights to Good Omens.
Worst Movie News: That they’re making a Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie without Joss Whedon.
Hudson Hawk Award: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Universe
The Hudson Hawk Award goes to the most awesome move of the year that most people just didn’t get.
What You See Is What You Get Award: Hot Tub Time Machine
Most Wasted Potential: The Expendables
Worst Casting Decision: Giving Ali Shawkat a role with almost no lines. (Runaways, which also totally dissed Lita Ford).
Most Gratuitously Ironic Ending In An Otherwise Very Good Movie: A Single Man
Worst Movie of the Year: Faster
Most Overdue Award: Jeff Bridges’ Oscar for Crazy Heart.
Music
Album of the Year: AgriDustrial, The Legendary Shack Shakers
Song of the Year: “Hoboes Are My Heroes” by The Legendary Shack Shakers
While the song is, in fact, great, the real reason the Shack Shakers get this award is for their early recognition of the fact that 2011 will be the Year of the Hobo. Hobos are going to be the new zombies, folks. Get ready for it.
Local Band of the Year: Uncle Skunkle & The Scarecrow Family Band
Long-time title-holders The Union Suit were edged out this year by Skunkle, in part because these guys played so damn many shows--hall shows, house parties, bar mitzvahs--Hell, if you didn’t lock your door there was a good chance you’d come home to find them setting up instruments in your living room. Also, I’m pretty sure they stole some of Trent Summar’s Hank Flamingo-era outfits, which has to count for something.
Miscellaneous
Celebrity Who Turned Out To Be Just Who We Always Hoped He Was: Bill Murray
As revealed in Dan Fierman’s GQ interview. The Daniel Clowes art was also a nice touch.
Most Talked About Geek Television Event: AMC’s The Walking Dead
Fucking Kirkman.
Meme of the Year: The “Bed Intruder Song” by Antoine Dodson & Autotune The News
T-Shirt of the Year: Topless Robot’s shirt featuring Dr. Doom riding a Unicorn
Role-Playing Game of the Year: American Artifacts (Hex Games)
There were a lot of worthy nominees in this category: Sex, Lies, & Ultraspies (Hex Games), Mars & Venus At War (Hex Games), Fratboys Vs. (Hex Games), and many others(mostly not Hex Games), but American Artifacts wins the prize.
Winner of ComicCon: Helen Miran, for her Harvey Pekar shirt.
It’s awards season, and there’s really no reason why people with informed opinions and credentials should have all the fun. Nominees for each category were selected by a panel of me and winners were decided by a vote of eligible members of the Manitoba Academy (also me). Where appropriate, I have provided commentary to further explain the award and/or decision.
Books & Comics
Literary Event of the Year: The release of Autobiography of Mark Twain, Volume 1 by Mark Twain
How often does a guy who’s been dead for a century release a new book?
Book of the Year: Last Words: A Memoir by George Carlin and Tony Hendra
This books was actually released in November of 2009, but in the words of Carlin himself, “these are my rules, I make ‘em up.”
Best Short Story Collection: Who Fears The Devil?(Planet Stories) by Manley Wade Wellman, collected by Paizo Publishing
A collection of stories about John the Balladeer, an Appalachian troubadour who fights evil with his silver-stringed guitar. It’s like a Shack Shakers album in book form.
Most Inexplicable Literary Phenomenon: Steig Larsson’s The Girl Who Did Things series
I’ll admit I’ve only seen the movies, but I just don’t get it. I could see an argument that the girl of the title is a strong female character, but all her strength is rooted in victimhood, Swedish Hero Man ultimately saves her every time, and I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that she may in fact just be spank material for some dude named Steig. Also, I hear the writing’s pretty bad.
Most Still Alive Author: Dave Barry
Because I just realized that with the exception of Hendra, every author I’ve mentioned so far is dead.
Best New Comic: The Sixth Gun by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt
Awarded to the creative team with the most double consonants in their names.
Most Disappointing Character Death: Rupert Giles in Buffy The Vampire Slayer Season Eight
If you’re going to kill a character whose been around since the beginning of the TV series, you really should make it count (and get a better artist to draw it).
Comic Book Character With Too Fucking Many Titles: Batman
Seriously, I can’t afford all this shit.
Worst Mini-Series of the Year: The Rise of Arsenal by J.T. Krul
It’s very likely that The Rise of Arsenal is, in fact, the worst comic mini-series ever. After his daughter is killed in a super-villain-caused disaster, Roy Harper (formerly Green Arrow’s heroin addict sidekick, Speedy, who at different times has also been known as Arsenal and Red Arrow), understandably loses his shit and starts doing a new drug called “China cat.” Some authors would have turned this into a poignant story of loss and redemption, but not J.T. Krul. In no time, Krul has Roy remembering the good ol’ days of drug use and gang rape with the ghost of his former dealer, and by issue 3 (arguably the worst comic ever written), Roy has his ex (and dead kid’s mother) tied up and is trying to have sex with her, but can’t get it up. So he goes out and beats up some homeless guys in order to protect a dead cat (that he thinks is his daughter). Then Batman shows up and beats the shit out of him while telling him, After-School Special style, “I’m your friend!” I’m sure I read beyond that, but at this point I’ve blocked it out. This mini-series managed to take a character who for decades has been merely uninteresting and make him unlikable and creepy.
Worst Ongoing Comic Series of the Year: Green Arrow by J.T. Krul
Fucking J.T. Krul. After he made us hate Arsenal, he was allowed to take on the re-launch of Green Arrow. The premise: well, Green Arrow’s sort of like Robin Hood, so he should be an outlaw in a forest. So, since a huge chunk of Star City has just been destroyed (in the catastrophe that killed Roy Harper's daughter and/or cat), why not have a magical forest spring up there, banish Green Arrow from Star City, and have him live in the forest? I’ll tell you why not, J.T. Because it’s fucking retarded. Green Arrow is my favorite super-hero, but I secretly hope for this title to be canceled.
Politics & Journalism
Reporter of the Year: Matt Taibbi (Rolling Stone)
For making Wall Street and banking schemes that were incomprehensible by design understandable to normal humans, and doing it in an entertaining way.
Best Political Blog: You Are Dumb (www.youaredumb.net)
For calling out stupid people for being stupid.
Best Kentucky Blogger: Joe Sonka of Barefoot & Progressive (http://barefootandprogressive.blogspot.com/)
For asking whether there will be dinosaurs on the ark.
Story of the Year: Jon Ronson’s interview with the Insane Clown Posse, in which they reveal that they are, and have always been, evangelical Christians.
Because a giraffe is a fucking miracle.
Stupidest Political Trend: The Left claiming that their rhetoric is just as hateful and violent as the Right’s.
Seriously. Quit it.
Funniest Political Story: Aqua Buddha
Remember, it’s funnier to the tune of Kool & The Gang’s “Jungle Boogie.”
Southern Hospitality Award: The City of Mayfield
For their acceptance of the Somali Muslims.
Gadsden Flag Award: Rand Paul
For protecting small business owners from the kind of government tyranny that would require them to serve black people.
Biggest Disappointment: The Mid-term Elections/The Obama Presidency (tie)
These are really two sides of the same coin, both proving that most Americans are stupid enough to believe that there’s a difference between the political parties. The truth is we’ve got one party: The Corporate Interest Party, which politically is somewhere to the right of nearly every single one of the first 39 Presidents. We need some variety. Next time around, lets elect some old school Democrats, old school Republicans, true Progressives, principled Libertarians, Environmental Nutjobs, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and METHODISTS!
Movies
Best Movie: True Grit
Best Use Of Gratuitous Violence In A Motion Picture: Machete
Triumph of the Year: The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
Those of us who have experienced the heartbreak of watching Lost In La Mancha were sure that Heath Ledger’s death would make this another Gilliam movie that never saw the light of day.
Tragedy of the Year: News that The Man Who Killed Don Quixote was once again on hold.
Seriously, why the hell won’t somebody just give Gilliam a big pile of money? Also, the film rights to Good Omens.
Worst Movie News: That they’re making a Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie without Joss Whedon.
Hudson Hawk Award: Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Universe
The Hudson Hawk Award goes to the most awesome move of the year that most people just didn’t get.
What You See Is What You Get Award: Hot Tub Time Machine
Most Wasted Potential: The Expendables
Worst Casting Decision: Giving Ali Shawkat a role with almost no lines. (Runaways, which also totally dissed Lita Ford).
Most Gratuitously Ironic Ending In An Otherwise Very Good Movie: A Single Man
Worst Movie of the Year: Faster
Most Overdue Award: Jeff Bridges’ Oscar for Crazy Heart.
Music
Album of the Year: AgriDustrial, The Legendary Shack Shakers
Song of the Year: “Hoboes Are My Heroes” by The Legendary Shack Shakers
While the song is, in fact, great, the real reason the Shack Shakers get this award is for their early recognition of the fact that 2011 will be the Year of the Hobo. Hobos are going to be the new zombies, folks. Get ready for it.
Local Band of the Year: Uncle Skunkle & The Scarecrow Family Band
Long-time title-holders The Union Suit were edged out this year by Skunkle, in part because these guys played so damn many shows--hall shows, house parties, bar mitzvahs--Hell, if you didn’t lock your door there was a good chance you’d come home to find them setting up instruments in your living room. Also, I’m pretty sure they stole some of Trent Summar’s Hank Flamingo-era outfits, which has to count for something.
Miscellaneous
Celebrity Who Turned Out To Be Just Who We Always Hoped He Was: Bill Murray
As revealed in Dan Fierman’s GQ interview. The Daniel Clowes art was also a nice touch.
Most Talked About Geek Television Event: AMC’s The Walking Dead
Fucking Kirkman.
Meme of the Year: The “Bed Intruder Song” by Antoine Dodson & Autotune The News
T-Shirt of the Year: Topless Robot’s shirt featuring Dr. Doom riding a Unicorn
Role-Playing Game of the Year: American Artifacts (Hex Games)
There were a lot of worthy nominees in this category: Sex, Lies, & Ultraspies (Hex Games), Mars & Venus At War (Hex Games), Fratboys Vs. (Hex Games), and many others(mostly not Hex Games), but American Artifacts wins the prize.
Winner of ComicCon: Helen Miran, for her Harvey Pekar shirt.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Menciaed by Cracked
Did you ever read Cracked magazine? For those of you who don't remember, Cracked was kind of like MAD's less popular cousin. They didn't have Sergio Argonnes or Alfred E. Newman, but the stuff they printed was just as funny as MAD, sometimes even funnier. When I was a kid, I used to read both of them quite a bit. So when I found a web site called Cracked.com, I kind of assumed it was a continuation of the now-defunct Cracked print mag. Recent events have led me to wonder if I was wrong. Is it possible that these guys just picked up the Cracked name because "nobody was using it?" Because apparently they do that with articles.
Not long after discovering Cracked.com, I found out about their weekly Photoshop contest and eventually started submitting entries. I never won the $50 prize for best entry, but a couple of my submissions did make it into the top 20. So yay me. You entered the contests by posting your pictures to their forums, which (probably by design) led me to snoop around said forums to see if anything interesting was going on there. One of the things I discovered while doing this was that Cracked had a super-secret writers' forum where you could pitch ideas and, if the editors liked them, write for the mag (and even get paid). Since the site (at least in mid-2008, before they really started adding blogs) mainly did list-type articles full of dick and fart jokes and since (as QAGS fans already know) I'm a big fan of fine dick and fart humor, I asked for permission to join the super-duper-secret writers' forums.
Once I had access to the forums, I took the shotgun approach and posted several pitches for potential articles. One of these was called "X Singers Who Need Something New To Sing About." Over the next week or two the article made it to the "Stuff We're Considering," got some suggestions, and went through a rewrite or two. I can't confirm the exact sequence, but I did post a couple of the drafts to LiveJournal (locked so only select friends could see them). You can read those (now unlocked) here and here. In any case, after posting a couple revisions with absolutely no feedback, I assumed the article was dead.
Around that time, I moved across the state, got a new job, and started writing on a bunch of other sites and even occasionally for a print magazine. Since Cracked.com hadn't even given me a "thanks but no thanks" after multiple revisions, I kind of drifted away from checking in or submitting things to their writers' forums. I still read the site regularly, often passed on links to their articles, and even introduced a few new people to the site. I just didn't want to write for them (or more precisely, deal with their rather vague editorial process) any more.
Sunday evening, I opened up my Google Reader to see what kind of entertainment the internet had to offer me. Imagine my surprise when I saw this article in the Cracked.com feed.
"Well cool," I thought. "Somebody must have picked up my idea and turned it into an article that the editorial board actually liked."
At this point, I was assuming that the new and not-written-by-me version of the article would have a different structure, or at least be about different bands (one of the few pieces of feedback I got initially was that the topics I'd chosen were too common). At first, this seemed likely. The author was using my original format, but the first two musicians weren't even on my list. The next three were. Not only that, they were on there for the same reasons. And, while the author (Benjamin Dobson, who I will call "Dobby" if I need to refer to him again)had written new words, some of the ideas (and 2/3 of the chosen sample songs) matched my submissions rather closely. The choice of "Jamaica Mistaica" as the sample Buffett song really made it obvious that Dobby was familiar with my previous writings on the topic. There are a lot of songs that are much more obvious examples of the "It's awesome to be Jimmy" genre. I'd just chosen that one because it's a personal favorite.
Since I liked cracked.com, I didn't want to jump to conclusions. "I haven't been to their forums in a while," I thought. "Maybe this guy asked to take over the article and, when I didn't respond, the editorial board gave him the ok." Granted, a personal message (which would have sent me an email notification) to the effect of "somebody else wants to write (and make 50 bucks off of) the article you submitted a year and a half ago" would have been nice, but if that's what went down, I would have probably been cool with it. When I went to the forum, I discovered that I no longer have access to the super-secret writers' forum, so I guess I'll never know the actual sequence of events that led to the article's publication.
Since Dobby didn't steal any of my text exactly, I don't think what he did really counts as plagiarism. Also, most forum terms have a clause that basically says "we own anything you post here," so even if he'd swiped my words directly, it might technically be legal. Still, there's a difference between "legal" and "not douchy" and since over half of the basic ideas he writes about were from my original article, I feel a little bit like Bill Hicks at a Denis Leary show.
I like Cracked.com, and would like to keep reading it, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to without wondering "did the guy whose name is at the top of the article actually come up with this?" Maybe I can just stick to Seanbaby's blog and Hate By Numbers, since I'm reasonably sure those guys come up with their own material. I don't know. The one bit of solace I can take from the whole affair is that, based on the comments section (admittedly not the most erudite forum of discussion, but still), many of Cracked's readers absolutely hated Dobby's article. So at least I got that.
Not long after discovering Cracked.com, I found out about their weekly Photoshop contest and eventually started submitting entries. I never won the $50 prize for best entry, but a couple of my submissions did make it into the top 20. So yay me. You entered the contests by posting your pictures to their forums, which (probably by design) led me to snoop around said forums to see if anything interesting was going on there. One of the things I discovered while doing this was that Cracked had a super-secret writers' forum where you could pitch ideas and, if the editors liked them, write for the mag (and even get paid). Since the site (at least in mid-2008, before they really started adding blogs) mainly did list-type articles full of dick and fart jokes and since (as QAGS fans already know) I'm a big fan of fine dick and fart humor, I asked for permission to join the super-duper-secret writers' forums.
Once I had access to the forums, I took the shotgun approach and posted several pitches for potential articles. One of these was called "X Singers Who Need Something New To Sing About." Over the next week or two the article made it to the "Stuff We're Considering," got some suggestions, and went through a rewrite or two. I can't confirm the exact sequence, but I did post a couple of the drafts to LiveJournal (locked so only select friends could see them). You can read those (now unlocked) here and here. In any case, after posting a couple revisions with absolutely no feedback, I assumed the article was dead.
Around that time, I moved across the state, got a new job, and started writing on a bunch of other sites and even occasionally for a print magazine. Since Cracked.com hadn't even given me a "thanks but no thanks" after multiple revisions, I kind of drifted away from checking in or submitting things to their writers' forums. I still read the site regularly, often passed on links to their articles, and even introduced a few new people to the site. I just didn't want to write for them (or more precisely, deal with their rather vague editorial process) any more.
Sunday evening, I opened up my Google Reader to see what kind of entertainment the internet had to offer me. Imagine my surprise when I saw this article in the Cracked.com feed.
"Well cool," I thought. "Somebody must have picked up my idea and turned it into an article that the editorial board actually liked."
At this point, I was assuming that the new and not-written-by-me version of the article would have a different structure, or at least be about different bands (one of the few pieces of feedback I got initially was that the topics I'd chosen were too common). At first, this seemed likely. The author was using my original format, but the first two musicians weren't even on my list. The next three were. Not only that, they were on there for the same reasons. And, while the author (Benjamin Dobson, who I will call "Dobby" if I need to refer to him again)had written new words, some of the ideas (and 2/3 of the chosen sample songs) matched my submissions rather closely. The choice of "Jamaica Mistaica" as the sample Buffett song really made it obvious that Dobby was familiar with my previous writings on the topic. There are a lot of songs that are much more obvious examples of the "It's awesome to be Jimmy" genre. I'd just chosen that one because it's a personal favorite.
Since I liked cracked.com, I didn't want to jump to conclusions. "I haven't been to their forums in a while," I thought. "Maybe this guy asked to take over the article and, when I didn't respond, the editorial board gave him the ok." Granted, a personal message (which would have sent me an email notification) to the effect of "somebody else wants to write (and make 50 bucks off of) the article you submitted a year and a half ago" would have been nice, but if that's what went down, I would have probably been cool with it. When I went to the forum, I discovered that I no longer have access to the super-secret writers' forum, so I guess I'll never know the actual sequence of events that led to the article's publication.
Since Dobby didn't steal any of my text exactly, I don't think what he did really counts as plagiarism. Also, most forum terms have a clause that basically says "we own anything you post here," so even if he'd swiped my words directly, it might technically be legal. Still, there's a difference between "legal" and "not douchy" and since over half of the basic ideas he writes about were from my original article, I feel a little bit like Bill Hicks at a Denis Leary show.
I like Cracked.com, and would like to keep reading it, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to without wondering "did the guy whose name is at the top of the article actually come up with this?" Maybe I can just stick to Seanbaby's blog and Hate By Numbers, since I'm reasonably sure those guys come up with their own material. I don't know. The one bit of solace I can take from the whole affair is that, based on the comments section (admittedly not the most erudite forum of discussion, but still), many of Cracked's readers absolutely hated Dobby's article. So at least I got that.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
The Pirate Playlist
Ahoy, maties! Even the landlubbers know that September 19 is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. To celebrate, I've put together this list of pirate (or at least nautical) themed songs.
The Arrogant Worms, "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate"
Reliant K, "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" (Veggie Tales cover)
Jimmy Buffett, "A Pirate Looks at 40"
Iron Maiden, "Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
Ray Stevens, The Pirate Song
Martin Mull, "Men"
Alestorm, "Keelhauled"
The Lonely Island featuring T-Pain, "I'm On A Boat"
Warren Zevon, "Mutineer"
Face to Face, "Popeye the Sailor Man Theme"
Tom Waits, "Singapore"
Bruce Springsteen, "Mrs. McGrath"
Coconut Pete (aka Bill Paxton), "Pleasure Island"
George Harrison, "A Pirate's Life For Me"
"Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song"
Couldn't find a video for: Willie Nelson, "The Bob Song"
The Arrogant Worms, "The Last Saskatchewan Pirate"
Reliant K, "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" (Veggie Tales cover)
Jimmy Buffett, "A Pirate Looks at 40"
Iron Maiden, "Rime of the Ancient Mariner"
Ray Stevens, The Pirate Song
Martin Mull, "Men"
Alestorm, "Keelhauled"
The Lonely Island featuring T-Pain, "I'm On A Boat"
Warren Zevon, "Mutineer"
Face to Face, "Popeye the Sailor Man Theme"
Tom Waits, "Singapore"
Bruce Springsteen, "Mrs. McGrath"
Coconut Pete (aka Bill Paxton), "Pleasure Island"
George Harrison, "A Pirate's Life For Me"
"Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song"
Couldn't find a video for: Willie Nelson, "The Bob Song"
Monday, September 14, 2009
Kanye West Sexually Assaults Seth Green
Rapper Kanye West was forcibly removed from a Cartoon Network studio earlier today after he allegedly molested actor Seth Green during a taping of Robot Chicken. "We'd invited Kanye to guest as the voice of Rubic the Amazing Cube on an episode we were working on," said Matthew Senreich, the show's co-creator. "Everything was going pretty well and all of a sudden the guy just went crazy and started doing stuff to Seth."
"I wasn't really phased when he whipped his junk out during the taping," said a shaken Green. "I mean, I've worked with Marsters, so I'm used to that kind of thing." Green is referring to fellow Buffy the Vampire Slayer star James Marsters, whose penis-based "let me show you Spike's spike" routine was a consistent hit with the show's cast and crew. "Then I got little nervous when he started walking towards me saying 'it's gonna get you,'" continued Green. "When he started trying to rub his junk all over me, that's when I called security."
Today's incident was not the first time West has caused an awkward situation for a star of the Austin Powers movie series. Just yesterday, he confused and embarrassed Beyonce Knowles at the MTV Awards with his interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. Series star Mike Myers was similarly flabbergasted in 2005 when Kanye speculated about then-President George W. Bush's racism at a benefit for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Less publicized was West's outburst at UCLA's graduation ceremony last May. In the middle of Verne Troyer's commencement speech, West wrestled the microphone away to deliver a lengthy diatribe on the merits of midget wrestling.
The purpose of West's bizarre public outbursts so far remains unknown. It is likewise unclear why West's behaviour seems to be targeted at members of the Austin Powers cast. Given the increasing frequency of West's antics, other actors who appeared in the movies are preparing for the eventuality of 'West situation.' "Just let that little fucker try something with me," said Robert Wagner, who played Dr. Evil's henchman Number Two in all three Powers films. "I'll teach him why you don't fuck with Jonathan Hart."
It is currently unclear whether or not Mr. Green will be pressing charges. When asked about the incident, West's publicist and agent refused to comment.
"I wasn't really phased when he whipped his junk out during the taping," said a shaken Green. "I mean, I've worked with Marsters, so I'm used to that kind of thing." Green is referring to fellow Buffy the Vampire Slayer star James Marsters, whose penis-based "let me show you Spike's spike" routine was a consistent hit with the show's cast and crew. "Then I got little nervous when he started walking towards me saying 'it's gonna get you,'" continued Green. "When he started trying to rub his junk all over me, that's when I called security."
Today's incident was not the first time West has caused an awkward situation for a star of the Austin Powers movie series. Just yesterday, he confused and embarrassed Beyonce Knowles at the MTV Awards with his interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. Series star Mike Myers was similarly flabbergasted in 2005 when Kanye speculated about then-President George W. Bush's racism at a benefit for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Less publicized was West's outburst at UCLA's graduation ceremony last May. In the middle of Verne Troyer's commencement speech, West wrestled the microphone away to deliver a lengthy diatribe on the merits of midget wrestling.
The purpose of West's bizarre public outbursts so far remains unknown. It is likewise unclear why West's behaviour seems to be targeted at members of the Austin Powers cast. Given the increasing frequency of West's antics, other actors who appeared in the movies are preparing for the eventuality of 'West situation.' "Just let that little fucker try something with me," said Robert Wagner, who played Dr. Evil's henchman Number Two in all three Powers films. "I'll teach him why you don't fuck with Jonathan Hart."
It is currently unclear whether or not Mr. Green will be pressing charges. When asked about the incident, West's publicist and agent refused to comment.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Song Lyrics That Are Funnier When You Think About Them
Sometimes song lyrics are funny when you think about what they're actually saying. In some cases, this is intentional. In others, not so much. Here are my top five "stealth joke" lines from songs.
1. "Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say word."--"Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner," Warren Zevon.
Funny Because: Roland really can't say a word because of the whole "not having a head" thing. It's really kind of a barrier to communication.
2. "We parachute in. We parachute out. 'DEATH FROM ABOVE' we're screaming now."--"Jungle Work," Warren Zevon
Funny Because: Paratroopers have been a vital part of our nation's defenses for nearly a century, and this noble profession has included such luminaries as Jimi Hendrix and Ed Wood. But really, how the hell do you parachute out?
3. "'Did you know that I live in your street?' I said and he looked at me like I was crazy."--"O'Malley's Bar," Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Funny Because: Context is really key here. This exchange takes place about halfway through the narrator/singer's murder spree.
4. "He's not conventionally handsome, he'll never be tall."--"Eyball Kid," Tom Waits
Funny Because: As the name implies, it's about a kid who's just an eyeball.
5. "I know I didn't see you hidin' your weddin' ring either did I?" --"We Didn't See A Thing," George Jones and Ray Charles
Funny Because: The above line is sung by Ray Charles, who hadn't seen anything for decades when this song was recorded.
Honorable Mention: "'No Albi you didn't kill me with your dragon flames.
I crawled to safety, but you did leave me very badly disfigured,' laughed the boy." --"Albi the Racist Dragon," Flight of the Conchords
1. "Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say word."--"Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner," Warren Zevon.
Funny Because: Roland really can't say a word because of the whole "not having a head" thing. It's really kind of a barrier to communication.
2. "We parachute in. We parachute out. 'DEATH FROM ABOVE' we're screaming now."--"Jungle Work," Warren Zevon
Funny Because: Paratroopers have been a vital part of our nation's defenses for nearly a century, and this noble profession has included such luminaries as Jimi Hendrix and Ed Wood. But really, how the hell do you parachute out?
3. "'Did you know that I live in your street?' I said and he looked at me like I was crazy."--"O'Malley's Bar," Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Funny Because: Context is really key here. This exchange takes place about halfway through the narrator/singer's murder spree.
4. "He's not conventionally handsome, he'll never be tall."--"Eyball Kid," Tom Waits
Funny Because: As the name implies, it's about a kid who's just an eyeball.
5. "I know I didn't see you hidin' your weddin' ring either did I?" --"We Didn't See A Thing," George Jones and Ray Charles
Funny Because: The above line is sung by Ray Charles, who hadn't seen anything for decades when this song was recorded.
Honorable Mention: "'No Albi you didn't kill me with your dragon flames.
I crawled to safety, but you did leave me very badly disfigured,' laughed the boy." --"Albi the Racist Dragon," Flight of the Conchords
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Enjoy Every Sandwich
January 24 was officially named St. Zevon's day in the year 5 A.C. by Discordian Pope Kingyak the Fuqit. This declaration was a natural result of the Pope's earlier declaration that Warren Zevon "should probably be a Discordian Saint or some shit," which was made to a poster of Green Arrow one day after the aforementioned pope had downed 23 White Russians "in celebration of having just watched The Big Lebowski." Anyway, to make a long story, St. Zevon's Day became a P.O.E.E.-kindasanctioned holiday in 2008. More details to follow!
What is Discordianism? Why can this Fuquit just grant sainthood/declare a holiday? How did he get to be a Pope anyway? What the hell is the P.O.E.E.?
These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap. Wait. No. That's not what I meant. These questions and many others can be found in the Principia Discordia, or, How I Found The Goddess, and What I Did To Her When I Found Her (Wherein is Explained Absolutely Everthing Worth Knowing About Absolutely Everything).
Who is this Zevon guy?
Warren Zevon was an American songwriter and musician. He is best known for his songs "Werewolves of London," "Lawyers, Guns, and Money, " and "Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me." Also, he occasionally filled in as band director on David Letterman's show.
Why January 24th?
It was Zevon's birthday. Some religions like to celebrate saints' days on the day the saint was killed by angry wolves or something, but that seems a little morbid, so we're going with a day when Warren might have actually enjoyed himself.
What is Zevon the Saint of?
Misadventure, Sandwiches, and Werewolves
What were St. Zevon's miracles?
Surviving all the shit he did in the 70s, getting The Wind finished before dying (against all doctor's predicitons), writing "Carmelita."
How should St. Zevon's Day be celebrated?
You should listen to some Zevon songs and enjoy a sandwich. If the moon is full, and you happen to be in London, it is also permissible to transform into a big ass wolf and terrorize the locals.
What's the deal with the sandwich?
When Zevon discovered that he had inoperable cancer and only a few months (or so the doctors thought) to live, he went on David Letterman's show to publicly make the announcement. When Dave asked him about the experience, Zevon replied that he had learned he should enjoy every sandwich. This became a motto among Zevon fans, and was later the name of the Zevon tribute album.
What is Discordianism? Why can this Fuquit just grant sainthood/declare a holiday? How did he get to be a Pope anyway? What the hell is the P.O.E.E.?
These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap. Wait. No. That's not what I meant. These questions and many others can be found in the Principia Discordia, or, How I Found The Goddess, and What I Did To Her When I Found Her (Wherein is Explained Absolutely Everthing Worth Knowing About Absolutely Everything).
Who is this Zevon guy?
Warren Zevon was an American songwriter and musician. He is best known for his songs "Werewolves of London," "Lawyers, Guns, and Money, " and "Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me." Also, he occasionally filled in as band director on David Letterman's show.
Why January 24th?
It was Zevon's birthday. Some religions like to celebrate saints' days on the day the saint was killed by angry wolves or something, but that seems a little morbid, so we're going with a day when Warren might have actually enjoyed himself.
What is Zevon the Saint of?
Misadventure, Sandwiches, and Werewolves
What were St. Zevon's miracles?
Surviving all the shit he did in the 70s, getting The Wind finished before dying (against all doctor's predicitons), writing "Carmelita."
How should St. Zevon's Day be celebrated?
You should listen to some Zevon songs and enjoy a sandwich. If the moon is full, and you happen to be in London, it is also permissible to transform into a big ass wolf and terrorize the locals.
What's the deal with the sandwich?
When Zevon discovered that he had inoperable cancer and only a few months (or so the doctors thought) to live, he went on David Letterman's show to publicly make the announcement. When Dave asked him about the experience, Zevon replied that he had learned he should enjoy every sandwich. This became a motto among Zevon fans, and was later the name of the Zevon tribute album.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Appetite For Illusions
It's been a long time since I've written here--the whole "grown-up job" thing is slowly killing me (or at least leeching my creative energy). But it's been even longer since Guns N' Roses released an album. Ignoring The Spaghetti Incident? (which was all covers and mostly sucktacular--though not quite as bad as most people claim), the last time we've heard from G N' R (other than that awful song from the Aaaanold vs. Satan movie) was in 1991, when they released both Use Your Illusion albums on the same day. Just to give you an idea of how long ago that was, here are some fun facts about what was (or in some cases, wasn't) going on in the world as I stood in the cold at Midnight to get my hands on these two tapes (yeah, that's right, tapes--the albums also released on CD, but they were still kind of a new thing):
Dr. Pepper is a powerful motivator (especially Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, which I'm reasonably sure contains crack cocaine), and in order to collect their share of the syrupy goodness, Axl and the boys (whoever that was at the moment) finished the album and announced it would release on November 23 at Best Buy (and only at Best Buy, but I think you can all guess my problems with that). I'm sure you can also buy the album online, but this is a case where I for one need the real thing. I'm fine with just a digital copy of the newest Kid Rock or whatever, but when it comes to serious music (or at least something as long-awaited as this), I want liner notes and album art and all that good stuff. So I dug out my portable CD player, picked up the CD at Best Buy, and hit the interstate, fully intending to (as Jon Bon Jovi might say) have my face rocked.
I had heard from a few sources that this album was supposed to be classic G N' R, and the first few tracks were promising, if not quite up to the Appetite for Destruction level of dirty rock goodness. After that, the album veers into Use Your Illusion territory and pretty much stays there. This is clearly the Axl rose show--not that there's anything wrong with that. Once you accept the idea that Chinese Democracy isn't going to kick your ass with anything approaching Welcome to the Jungle or My Michelle, it works pretty well as Use Your Illusion III--overproduced but very listenable. It's not the new Guns N' Roses album you really want, but when you think about it, Chinese Democracy is the new Guns N' Roses album that you probably should have expected.
As for the free Dr. Pepper, the company tried to make good on the offer, but the sheer number of responses crashed their site. They've extended the offer and supposedly increased their bandwidth, but so far I haven't been able to make it through. As you might expect, there are already several net forums where people are bitching and whining about how Dr. Pepper "scammed" everyone by not beefing up their website beforehand. I'm not sure how failure to anticipate participation in an offer for free product counts as a scam, but I guess idiots like that are the price we pay for porn and Strongbad.
- I had been a freshman in college for less than a month.
- The first George Bush was President, and the first Gulf War had only been over for a few months.
- It would still be three more years before Rick Rubin would revive Johnny Cash's career with the first installment of the American Recordings series.
- O.J. hadn't killed anyone yet.
- The Big Lebowski was still 7 years away.
- The Chicago Bulls had just won their FIRST NBA championship.
- The interwebs didn't really exist yet. No Facebook, no MySpace, no Wikipedia, no blogs, no Strongbad, no porn. Just a handful of BBSes that only a few hardcore nerds even knew about.
- The term "former Soviet Union" was just coming into the collective vocabulary.
- Freddie Mercury was still alive.
- Hex Games (now celebrating 10 years of QAGS--buy your copy today at www.hexgames.com) wouldn't be founded for another 6 years. In fact, I hadn't even met co-founders Leighton Connor and Dale French yet. I hadn't learned the fine art of the cheap plug yet, either.
Dr. Pepper is a powerful motivator (especially Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, which I'm reasonably sure contains crack cocaine), and in order to collect their share of the syrupy goodness, Axl and the boys (whoever that was at the moment) finished the album and announced it would release on November 23 at Best Buy (and only at Best Buy, but I think you can all guess my problems with that). I'm sure you can also buy the album online, but this is a case where I for one need the real thing. I'm fine with just a digital copy of the newest Kid Rock or whatever, but when it comes to serious music (or at least something as long-awaited as this), I want liner notes and album art and all that good stuff. So I dug out my portable CD player, picked up the CD at Best Buy, and hit the interstate, fully intending to (as Jon Bon Jovi might say) have my face rocked.
I had heard from a few sources that this album was supposed to be classic G N' R, and the first few tracks were promising, if not quite up to the Appetite for Destruction level of dirty rock goodness. After that, the album veers into Use Your Illusion territory and pretty much stays there. This is clearly the Axl rose show--not that there's anything wrong with that. Once you accept the idea that Chinese Democracy isn't going to kick your ass with anything approaching Welcome to the Jungle or My Michelle, it works pretty well as Use Your Illusion III--overproduced but very listenable. It's not the new Guns N' Roses album you really want, but when you think about it, Chinese Democracy is the new Guns N' Roses album that you probably should have expected.
As for the free Dr. Pepper, the company tried to make good on the offer, but the sheer number of responses crashed their site. They've extended the offer and supposedly increased their bandwidth, but so far I haven't been able to make it through. As you might expect, there are already several net forums where people are bitching and whining about how Dr. Pepper "scammed" everyone by not beefing up their website beforehand. I'm not sure how failure to anticipate participation in an offer for free product counts as a scam, but I guess idiots like that are the price we pay for porn and Strongbad.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Facebook: A Skewed Sample of America?
Some people claim that the strip-malling of America has led to a citizenry that clamors for the lowest common denominator in all things. In order to find out whether this is true, I decided to compare the number of Facebook fans for various pairings. Since numbers don't lie (except on Fox News), this should tell us whether or not the average American is truly as dumb as a lot of people seem to think.
Death Match #1: Mark Twain vs. P.J. O'Roarke
Mark Twain: Humorist, novelist, essayist, and arguably the greatest American writer of all time.
PJ O'Rourke: A reasonably funny guy with horrific political ideas. O'Rourke is sometimes compared to Twain, and he probably has whatever Libertarians consider an orgasm every time that happens.
Facebook Fans:
Mark Twain: 138
PJ O'Rourke: 309
Winner: Mr. Let's Privatize The Fire Department
Death Match #2: George Carlin vs. Carlos Mencia
George Carlin: One of the greatest comedians who ever lived, and the man who Robert Anton Wilson once called "America's Greatest Philosopher."
Carlos Mencia: Aka Ned Holnitz. A man whose primary talent is the ability to steal other comics' material.
Facebook Fans:
Carlin: 3,531
Mencia: 450
Winner: Originality and Actual Humor
Death Match #3: Guinness vs. Budweiser
Guinness: Can the entire nation of Ireland really be wrong about beer?
Budweiser: America's most mediocre beer.
Facebook Fans:
Guinness: 42,024
Budweiser: 5,282
Winner: The one that doesn't taste like warm piss.
Death Match #4: Backyard Burgers vs. McDonald's
Backyard Burgers: Sure, it's fast food, but at least their beef is made of something approaching an actual cow.
McDonald's: You ever notice how right after you eat a Big Mac, you need to take a shit? That's because an alarming percentage of McDonald's "beef" is composed of cow feces, so there's no digestion necessary.
Facebook Fans:
Backyard Burgers: 3
McDonald's: 258,436
Winner: Toilet Paper Manufacturers
Death Match #5: Edward R. Murrow vs. Bill O'Reilly
Edward R. Murrow: Generally considered to be the greatest television newsman of all time.
Bill O'Reilly: Political hack who Stephen Colbert has made a career of parodying. Based on his appearances on The Daily Show and Colbert Report, I've developed a theory that Papa Bear is doing the same thing Colbert does, he just doesn't have the good taste to publicly admit it.
Facebook Fans:
Murrow: 76
O'Reilly: Doesn't even have a fan page.
Winner: America
Death Match #6: Terry Gilliam vs. Michael Bay
Terry Gilliam: Visionary filmmaker (and former member of Monty Python) whose works include Time Bandits, Brazil, The Fisher King, 12 Monkeys, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, just to name a few.
Michael Bay: A guy who does explosions real good, if you can sit through the often ridiculous plot lines that lead up to them.
Facebook Fans
Terry Gilliam: 4,806
Michael Bay: 631
Winner: The man I hope gets to finish his Don Quixote movie one day.
Death Match #7: John Prine vs. Justin Timberlake
John Prine: The man Bob Dylan once called the greatest songwriter of the 20th Century.
Justin Timberlake: The guy who sang "Dick In A Box."
Facebook Fans:
Prine: No fan page. I find this deeply disturbing.
Timberlake: 466,819
Winner: J.T.
Death Match #8: Alan Moore vs. Todd McFarlane
Alan Moore: Author of Watchmen, V for Vendetta, From Hell, and countless other ground-breaking comics. Believed by many to be a magical being of pure energy.
Todd McFarlane: Creator of Spawn, the revenge story that never ends.
Facebook Fans:
Moore: 6481
McFarlane: 257, though Spawn has 903 fans (The Todd McFarlane is a Fucking Prick group has 7--soon to be 8--members).
Winner: Alan Moore. As it should be.
Death Match #9: Michael Chabon vs. Dan Brown
Michael Chabon: Award-winning author of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, an incredible book about comics, golems, and the American Dream.
Dan Brown: The man who swiped the plot of Holy Blood, Holy Grail, added the most two-dimensional characters this side of porn, and somehow ended up with a best-seller.
Facebook Fans:
Chabon: 528
Brown: 8,442
Winner: The worst author I've ever read an entire book by.
Death Match #10: Johnny Depp vs. Ben Affleck
Johnny Depp: Amazing actor whose roles include Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, and Hunter S. Thompson.
Ben Affleck: The man who can only act when Kevin Smith is behind the camera.
Facebook Fans:
Depp: 224,152 (413,110 for Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow)
Affleck: 12,371
Winner: The right one.
The Results
In a surprising 60% of my test cases, the higher quality competitor had the most Facebook Fans. On the surface, this seems to suggest that George Bernard Shaw's math was off and the 100% American is actually only 40% an idiot. Unfortunately, this fails to take into account two important factors: (1)The international nature of Facebook; and (2)the fact that many, um, let's call them "Michael Bay Fans" are probably not Facebook users (though there's an excellent chance many of them have Adspace accounts). So, in the tradition of the Christian Right, I'm going to boldly ignore science and continue to believe that the average American is dangerously stupid.
Death Match #1: Mark Twain vs. P.J. O'Roarke
Mark Twain: Humorist, novelist, essayist, and arguably the greatest American writer of all time.
PJ O'Rourke: A reasonably funny guy with horrific political ideas. O'Rourke is sometimes compared to Twain, and he probably has whatever Libertarians consider an orgasm every time that happens.
Facebook Fans:
Mark Twain: 138
PJ O'Rourke: 309
Winner: Mr. Let's Privatize The Fire Department
Death Match #2: George Carlin vs. Carlos Mencia
George Carlin: One of the greatest comedians who ever lived, and the man who Robert Anton Wilson once called "America's Greatest Philosopher."
Carlos Mencia: Aka Ned Holnitz. A man whose primary talent is the ability to steal other comics' material.
Facebook Fans:
Carlin: 3,531
Mencia: 450
Winner: Originality and Actual Humor
Death Match #3: Guinness vs. Budweiser
Guinness: Can the entire nation of Ireland really be wrong about beer?
Budweiser: America's most mediocre beer.
Facebook Fans:
Guinness: 42,024
Budweiser: 5,282
Winner: The one that doesn't taste like warm piss.
Death Match #4: Backyard Burgers vs. McDonald's
Backyard Burgers: Sure, it's fast food, but at least their beef is made of something approaching an actual cow.
McDonald's: You ever notice how right after you eat a Big Mac, you need to take a shit? That's because an alarming percentage of McDonald's "beef" is composed of cow feces, so there's no digestion necessary.
Facebook Fans:
Backyard Burgers: 3
McDonald's: 258,436
Winner: Toilet Paper Manufacturers
Death Match #5: Edward R. Murrow vs. Bill O'Reilly
Edward R. Murrow: Generally considered to be the greatest television newsman of all time.
Bill O'Reilly: Political hack who Stephen Colbert has made a career of parodying. Based on his appearances on The Daily Show and Colbert Report, I've developed a theory that Papa Bear is doing the same thing Colbert does, he just doesn't have the good taste to publicly admit it.
Facebook Fans:
Murrow: 76
O'Reilly: Doesn't even have a fan page.
Winner: America
Death Match #6: Terry Gilliam vs. Michael Bay
Terry Gilliam: Visionary filmmaker (and former member of Monty Python) whose works include Time Bandits, Brazil, The Fisher King, 12 Monkeys, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, just to name a few.
Michael Bay: A guy who does explosions real good, if you can sit through the often ridiculous plot lines that lead up to them.
Facebook Fans
Terry Gilliam: 4,806
Michael Bay: 631
Winner: The man I hope gets to finish his Don Quixote movie one day.
Death Match #7: John Prine vs. Justin Timberlake
John Prine: The man Bob Dylan once called the greatest songwriter of the 20th Century.
Justin Timberlake: The guy who sang "Dick In A Box."
Facebook Fans:
Prine: No fan page. I find this deeply disturbing.
Timberlake: 466,819
Winner: J.T.
Death Match #8: Alan Moore vs. Todd McFarlane
Alan Moore: Author of Watchmen, V for Vendetta, From Hell, and countless other ground-breaking comics. Believed by many to be a magical being of pure energy.
Todd McFarlane: Creator of Spawn, the revenge story that never ends.
Facebook Fans:
Moore: 6481
McFarlane: 257, though Spawn has 903 fans (The Todd McFarlane is a Fucking Prick group has 7--soon to be 8--members).
Winner: Alan Moore. As it should be.
Death Match #9: Michael Chabon vs. Dan Brown
Michael Chabon: Award-winning author of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, an incredible book about comics, golems, and the American Dream.
Dan Brown: The man who swiped the plot of Holy Blood, Holy Grail, added the most two-dimensional characters this side of porn, and somehow ended up with a best-seller.
Facebook Fans:
Chabon: 528
Brown: 8,442
Winner: The worst author I've ever read an entire book by.
Death Match #10: Johnny Depp vs. Ben Affleck
Johnny Depp: Amazing actor whose roles include Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, and Hunter S. Thompson.
Ben Affleck: The man who can only act when Kevin Smith is behind the camera.
Facebook Fans:
Depp: 224,152 (413,110 for Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow)
Affleck: 12,371
Winner: The right one.
The Results
In a surprising 60% of my test cases, the higher quality competitor had the most Facebook Fans. On the surface, this seems to suggest that George Bernard Shaw's math was off and the 100% American is actually only 40% an idiot. Unfortunately, this fails to take into account two important factors: (1)The international nature of Facebook; and (2)the fact that many, um, let's call them "Michael Bay Fans" are probably not Facebook users (though there's an excellent chance many of them have Adspace accounts). So, in the tradition of the Christian Right, I'm going to boldly ignore science and continue to believe that the average American is dangerously stupid.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Rose Colored Glasses
My parents gamble on the riverboat in Metropolis, Illinois quite a bit, and as a result they regularly get comped concert tickets. A few weeks ago, they asked if I'd be interested in going along to see John Conlee. While I'd lived within 40 miles or so of Mr. Conlee for the last 17 years (until I moved a couple months ago), I'd never seen him perform, so I took them up on the offer. I wasn't expecting a lot, but thought that it would at least be nice to see "Common Man" and "Rose Colored Glasses" performed live.
I got a lot more than I expected. Conlee started the show with a cover of "Let the Good Times Roll" that was incredibly energetic for a guy in his 60s. Except for one other cover (which we'll get to in a minute), everything else was a John Conlee original, and I'd forgotten how many great songs the man had recorded: "Backside of 30," "Friday Night Blues," "I Don't Remember Loving You," "Miss Emily's Picture," "Old School," and many others. Out of just over an hour's worth of songs, there were only a couple I didn't recognize immediately, and even those sounded kind of familiar.
The other song Conlee covered, "Busted" deserves special mention. As he was singing, someone came up and handed him a wad of cash. This was kind of funny, but got a little weird when several others followed suit. After the song, I found out that these were people who were familiar with Conlee's show. At some show in the past this had happened, and by the end of the song he'd made about $60. Ever since, this has become a tradition, with the proceeds going to Feed The Children. This year, the money is being split between Feed The Children and Wounded Warriors (an organization that's picking up some of the slack from the Bush administration's veterans' benefits cuts). Conlee set out a bucket and shook the hand of every single person who dropped in money for the rest of the show (barely missing a note the whole time).
Overall, I was very impressed with the show. Conlee's voice is as strong as ever, his stage banner was quite entertaining, and the band sounded great (when Conlee took a break, they tore into several classic rock tunes and then ended with an awesome version of the Star Wars theme). It was a far cry from the aging, moderately successful old school country act I expected to see. If you get a chance to see John Conlee, take it (and make sure to toss him some cash during "Busted"--it helps some great causes).
I got a lot more than I expected. Conlee started the show with a cover of "Let the Good Times Roll" that was incredibly energetic for a guy in his 60s. Except for one other cover (which we'll get to in a minute), everything else was a John Conlee original, and I'd forgotten how many great songs the man had recorded: "Backside of 30," "Friday Night Blues," "I Don't Remember Loving You," "Miss Emily's Picture," "Old School," and many others. Out of just over an hour's worth of songs, there were only a couple I didn't recognize immediately, and even those sounded kind of familiar.
The other song Conlee covered, "Busted" deserves special mention. As he was singing, someone came up and handed him a wad of cash. This was kind of funny, but got a little weird when several others followed suit. After the song, I found out that these were people who were familiar with Conlee's show. At some show in the past this had happened, and by the end of the song he'd made about $60. Ever since, this has become a tradition, with the proceeds going to Feed The Children. This year, the money is being split between Feed The Children and Wounded Warriors (an organization that's picking up some of the slack from the Bush administration's veterans' benefits cuts). Conlee set out a bucket and shook the hand of every single person who dropped in money for the rest of the show (barely missing a note the whole time).
Overall, I was very impressed with the show. Conlee's voice is as strong as ever, his stage banner was quite entertaining, and the band sounded great (when Conlee took a break, they tore into several classic rock tunes and then ended with an awesome version of the Star Wars theme). It was a far cry from the aging, moderately successful old school country act I expected to see. If you get a chance to see John Conlee, take it (and make sure to toss him some cash during "Busted"--it helps some great causes).
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Legend of Stagger Lee
I'm busy trying to make a web site do what I told it tonight, but in the interest of keeping the schedule I set for myself yesterday, here's an article I wrote a while back.
Anyone who’s ever listened to an oldies radio station has probably heard the story of Stagger Lee, as performed by Lloyd Price. In the song, Stagger Lee loses his money and “brand new Stetson hat” in a dice game with a man named Billy. He then proceeds to kill Billy, despite the latter’s begging and pleading. What most casual music fans don’t realize is that Price’s song is not the first or last musical version of Stagger Lee’s tale.
The events portrayed in Price’s song are based on an actual murder reported in the St. Louis Globe-Democrat in December 1895. According to the article, “Stag” Lee Shelton murdered William Lyons after Lyons stole Shelton’s hat during a political argument. However, it is likely that Stagger Lee existed as a figure of African-American folklore before the St. Louis event. A Mississippi bluesman named Charles Hatler claims that he wrote the first Stagger Lee song in 1895, and not all songs and stories about Stagger Lee mention the murder of Lyons. This has led some experts to propose that Shelton gave himself the nickname “Stag” to associate himself with the Stagger Lee of folklore.
The Stagger Lee of early blues songs was an anti-heroic “badman” figure who sold his soul to the Devil in return for a magical Stetson hat that made him invulnerable. Because he could not be killed Stagger Lee was free to take whatever he wanted, usually from his peers in the black community. Despite his evil ways, Stagger Lee was respected in the black community because even the (white) authorities were afraid to tangle with him.
During the civil rights era, Stagger Lee became a role model for black men. Bobby Seale, for example, once identified himself and other civil rights leaders (including Malcolm X, Huey Newton, and Eldridge Cleaver) as “Stagger Lee” figures. James P. Hauser, in his article on the AKA Blues connection website, traces this evolution from “badman” to civil rights hero directly to Price’s version of the song. Though Price’s “Stagger Lee” is based on an earlier song by Leon T. “Archibald” Gross, Hauser describes how subtle changes in the song altered the character. The most important of these changes is the line “Stagger Lee threw 7, Billy swore that he threw 8.” This single addition transforms Stagger Lee from a sore loser who murders his opponent to a wronged man who gets revenge after being cheated. Starting with the Price version of the song, Billy Lyons—a black man in the early versions—came to be identified as a white man, and therefore an oppressor of blacks.
Stagger Lee has appeared in songs by over 200 artists, from Bob Dylan to The Clash. While many artists simply cover the Price version of the song, the majority create original versions, often with new themes and political subtext. For example, The Grateful Dead put a feminist spin on the story by having Billy Lyon's wife take her revenge on Stagger Lee. The sheer number and range of artists who have chosen to record Stagger Lee songs makes it unlikely that the legend will fade any time soon.
Anyone who’s ever listened to an oldies radio station has probably heard the story of Stagger Lee, as performed by Lloyd Price. In the song, Stagger Lee loses his money and “brand new Stetson hat” in a dice game with a man named Billy. He then proceeds to kill Billy, despite the latter’s begging and pleading. What most casual music fans don’t realize is that Price’s song is not the first or last musical version of Stagger Lee’s tale.
The events portrayed in Price’s song are based on an actual murder reported in the St. Louis Globe-Democrat in December 1895. According to the article, “Stag” Lee Shelton murdered William Lyons after Lyons stole Shelton’s hat during a political argument. However, it is likely that Stagger Lee existed as a figure of African-American folklore before the St. Louis event. A Mississippi bluesman named Charles Hatler claims that he wrote the first Stagger Lee song in 1895, and not all songs and stories about Stagger Lee mention the murder of Lyons. This has led some experts to propose that Shelton gave himself the nickname “Stag” to associate himself with the Stagger Lee of folklore.
The Stagger Lee of early blues songs was an anti-heroic “badman” figure who sold his soul to the Devil in return for a magical Stetson hat that made him invulnerable. Because he could not be killed Stagger Lee was free to take whatever he wanted, usually from his peers in the black community. Despite his evil ways, Stagger Lee was respected in the black community because even the (white) authorities were afraid to tangle with him.
During the civil rights era, Stagger Lee became a role model for black men. Bobby Seale, for example, once identified himself and other civil rights leaders (including Malcolm X, Huey Newton, and Eldridge Cleaver) as “Stagger Lee” figures. James P. Hauser, in his article on the AKA Blues connection website, traces this evolution from “badman” to civil rights hero directly to Price’s version of the song. Though Price’s “Stagger Lee” is based on an earlier song by Leon T. “Archibald” Gross, Hauser describes how subtle changes in the song altered the character. The most important of these changes is the line “Stagger Lee threw 7, Billy swore that he threw 8.” This single addition transforms Stagger Lee from a sore loser who murders his opponent to a wronged man who gets revenge after being cheated. Starting with the Price version of the song, Billy Lyons—a black man in the early versions—came to be identified as a white man, and therefore an oppressor of blacks.
Stagger Lee has appeared in songs by over 200 artists, from Bob Dylan to The Clash. While many artists simply cover the Price version of the song, the majority create original versions, often with new themes and political subtext. For example, The Grateful Dead put a feminist spin on the story by having Billy Lyon's wife take her revenge on Stagger Lee. The sheer number and range of artists who have chosen to record Stagger Lee songs makes it unlikely that the legend will fade any time soon.
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