New Book!

My latest book from Brainfart Press, Dispatches from the MGT. is on sale now.

The true purpose of management is a mystery. As far as most American workers can tell, their primary function is making signs. The value of these signs to the continued operation and profitability of the company, much like the value of management itself, is unclear, but the signs themselves can be fascinating. Sometimes they’re incomprehensibly bizarre, sometimes they provide insight into the almost alien attitudes that management has towards the rank-and-file employees, and sometimes they’re unintentionally hilarious.

Dispatches From The MGT.: Curious Signs from the American Workplace collects some of the strangest workplace signs from all across this great nation.

Available through CreateSpace and Amazon.

New Book From Brainfart Press

Find out more!

Lester "Proudfoot" Jackson

Here's a page from my book Obscure Early Bluesmen (Who Never Existed), which you can buy for money.

Lester "Proudfoot" Jackson

LOC, Lomax Collection, LC-DIG-ppmsc-00542

According to all accounts, Lester Jackson’s life before 1939 was one of crime, sloth, and drunkenness. When he discovered an unattended copy of J.R.R. Tolkein’s The Hobbit in the drunk tank of the Pikimpsitonka County jail, the book completely changed his life. Taking on the name “Proudfoot,” Jackson returned to his small farm and began construction of his own underground 

“Hobbit Hole.” He traded in his gambling and boozing for gardening and collecting. When he found an old dulcimer at a swap meet, Proudfoot taught himself  to play and began composing Middle-Earth-themed music. Proudfoot had several minor hits through Chump Records including “My Hobbit Hole Ain’t Whole (Since My Baby Left Me),” “Magic Hat Blues,” “I Been There and Back Again,” and “Ramble On.” Posthumous examination of his prolific journals and diaries reveals that Jackson was likely delusional. 

Harry Potter & Holy Grail

Chances are you've already heard about the Christian re-write of the Harry Potter books, but if you haven't actually read it, you really should. It's got it all. There's Christian persecution fantasies combined with a Michele-Bachman like understanding of history:

"My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."
"But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!" Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!"
"Voldemort doesn't care," Hermione remarked sadly; and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome." Lovely, ladylike tears began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don't like lions!"

Weird Bible interpretations:

"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it," Luna explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that's about it. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!"

Even weirder interpretations of what a Sorting Hat is:

"But you see, here at Hogwarts, we divide ourselves up into Sorting Hats. After breakfast, all the new little ones will choose their Hats. Each of the different Hats have different beliefs; but we all love the Lord!"

Miracles Everywhere:

With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully, "Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!"

(This isn't like a locked door to the Chamber of Secrets or something, just a fucking door. If I were God, I'd be pissed at these non-exactly-wizards praying for me to do everything for them).

And, most importantly, really detailed descriptions of pretty much every male character's chest hair:

On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair.

I'm reasonably sure this is parody. All the talk of chest hair and virility is just a little too creepy to be unintentional, some of the wingnut-isms are almost too dead-on, and the writer's apparent level of familiarity with the books/movies just isn't consistent. For example, I  have trouble believing that someone who doesn't know enough about the books to sort out the distinction between The Sorting Hat and houses would know the Dursley's first names and street or be aware of Luna Lovegood's existence. Whether it's a Poe or the product of a deranged mind, it's pretty funny.

Six Random Thoughts

• "For as long as Winston can recall, Oceania has been in a constant state of war – with whom it was at war is of neither importance nor consequence."--George Orwell
• I'm pretty sure Miley Cyrus is trolling everyone, I'm just not sure if she's aware of it. 
• I'm also pretty sure that James Franco is an elaborate performance art piece, and that he's completely aware of it. 
• If you're concerned about journalistic integrity and not just a misogynistic cretin, "journalists trade influence for sexual favors" is probably a better narrative than "slutty slut slut uses magical lady parts to mind control journalists." Just FYI.
• I used to work in a game warehouse. During that time, White Wolf released a lot of non-gaming books, including a collection of Harlan Ellison's LA Free Press columns, which I read when there was nothing better to do. He had a lot to say about flan. 
• Richard Linklater's movies don't so much end as just sort of trail off, usually about half an hour after you think they should be just about over. 

Books I Read in 2009 (Most with some kind of review)

1. Almost History by Roger Bruns
   Collection of primary source stuff about things that almost happened, were supposed to happen but didn't, etc. Includes the speech JFK was supposed to make in Dallas, FBI memos about trying to deport John Lennon, and memos about the various plots to kill Castro, just to name a few. My only real complaint is that in a lot of cases the explanation is longer than the actual thing it's introducing. In some cases, this makes sense, but in others it would have been nice to see, for example, a complete exchange of information rather than a single letter/telegram/memo/whatever.
2. I'm A Lebowski, You're A Lebowski: Life, The Big Lebowski, and What Have You by Bill Green, Ben Peskoe, Will Russell, & Scot Shuffitt
   This book was written (without blessing or curse from the Coens) by the guys who started Lebowski Fest. The heart of this book are the interviews with most of the cast (from The Dude himself to the Ralph's check-out girl) and the people The Dude and Walter (and some storylines from the movie) were based on--including the real life Larry Sellers. The book also has lots of trivia, a glossary, a few pages on Dudism, Lebowski Fest info, and a lot of stuff that I would make fun of if the book were about Dr. Who or something. But it's about the Big Lebowski, so most of it's ok (though a couple of the fan interviews are a bit much--I can see the interest in knowing what Patton Oswald or Tony Hawk thinks about the movie, but "the guy who built the Dudism website" is a litle too fannish for my tastes). If you're a fan of the movie, probaby worth a read.
3. The Stupidest Angel, Christopher Moore
   It's Christmas, and a stupid angel comes to town to grant a child a Christmas wish. It goes badly, but in a very funny way.
4. Redneck Words of Wisdom, Collected by Jamie Muehlhausen
   Some mildly amusing, some not redneck. I paid $1 for this book and feel a little ripped off.
5. Swine Not?, Jimmy Buffett
   A story about a pig who lives in a fancy New York City hotel. Entertaining, but aimed at a younger audience, I think.
6. World War Z, Max Brooks
   Very good zombie book.
7. 'Scuse Me While I Whip This Out: Reflections on Country Singers, Presidents, and Other Troublemakers, Kinky Friedman
   Kinky muses about people he knows, people he thinks he knows, and probably a few people he forgot he knew. Quite entertaining.
8. Buffy The Vampire Slayer RPG Core Rulebook by C.J. Carella
   Now I see why George Vasilamynamesoundslikeamadscientist felt threatened by my Buffy word document. This game is not terribly good (it's not awful either, but there's not a lot to recommend it). I figured it would at least have pretty pictures, but a lot of them are grainy. The game itself is completely mediocre, and the writer seems to believe the entire point of the show is witty dialog (which s/he tries (and fails--it sounds like Danny Tanner trying to be hip) to reproduce). Note to Hex creative department: If M. Alexander Jurkat ever applies for an editing job, politely send him away. Apparently he's behind the awful editing of this book, which at times makes early White Wolf editors seem nitpicky.
9. Atomic Robo by Brian Clevinger and Scott Wegener
   Tesla built a robot and now it runs a paranormal investigation agency and occasionally fights Nazi brains in domed robots, mobile pyramids, Jack Parsons, the ghost of Rasputin--the usual. Really no way for this not to be great.
10. The Republican War on Science by Chris Mooney
    Pretty much what it sounds like.
11. The Damned by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt
12. The Damned: Prodigal Sons by Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt
    That Cullen Bunn--he's no Robert Kirman or anything, but still great stuff.
13. Monster Spotters Guide to North America by Scott Francis
    M-Force 2E Research
14. The Middleman: The Collected Series Indispensability by Javier Grillo-Marxuach, Les McClaine, and a few others
    The Middleman and his art school chick apprentice work for an agency so secret even they don't know what it's called. The first story is about a superintelligent monkey gangster. They also go up against luchadores, ninjas, giant mutant sharks, and big ass robots. No way to go wrong with that kind of material.
15. Zombie CSU: The Forensics of the Living Dead by Jonathan Maberry.
    Neat concept, but too much cop/gun/military fetishism for my tastes.
16. The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks
    Great concept, but possibly executed too well--a lot of it reads like a survival guide.
17. Dave Barry's History of the Millennium by Dave Barry
    Collection of Dave's year-end reports, with a "Millennium End report" for 1000-1999 added.
18. Buffy, The Vampire Slayer (movie novelization) by Richie Tankersley Cusick
    Pretty straightforward adaptation of the movie, written at about a 5th grade level.
19. Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman
    Great Gaiman short story collection. The creepy-ass Snow White retelling is probably my favorite, but there are a few other contenders.
20. Dumbing Down: Essays on the Strip-Mining of American Culture, Edited by Katharine Washburn and John Thornton
    Most of the essays aren't so much about the good kind of elitism as they are about snootiness and conservativism.
21. Muzzled: For T-Ball to Terrorism-True Stories That Should be Fiction by Micahel A. Smerconish. Review at Epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/Book_Muzzled_From_T_ball_to_Terrorism_True_Stories_That_Should_Be_Fiction_Michael_A_Smerconish_Michael_Smerconish/content_471024832132
22. Invincible Volume 2: Eight Is Enough by Robert Kirkman, Cory Walker, and Ryan Otley. Review at Kingyak.com: http://www.kingyak.com/categories/8-geekdom/16-invincible2.html
23. Heaven, LLC by Wayne Chinsang and Dave Crosland. Review at Kingyak.com: http://www.kingyak.com/categories/8-geekdom/19-heavenllc.html
24. Global Frequency Volume 2: Detonation Radio by Warren Ellis, Simon Bisley, Chris Sprouse, Lee Bermejo, Tomm Coker, Jason Pearson, Gena Ha, and David Baron. Review at Epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/Global_Frequency_Planet_Ablaze_by_Warren_Ellis/content_471680388740
25. The Pro by Garth Ennis and Amanda Conner. Reviewed at Epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/pr-The_Pro_Garth_Ennis_Books/content_472272440964
26. Bluntman & Chronic by “Banky Edwards and Holden McNeil” Review at epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/Bluntman_and_Chronic_by_Banky_Edwards_and_by_Holden_McNeil/content_472371531396
27. I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen T. Colbert. Reviewed at Epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/Book_I_Am_America_And_So_Can_You_Stephen_Colbert_3/content_478874668676
28. Cyberpunk: Hackers and Outlaws on The Computer Fringe by Katie Hafner and John Markoff. Review at Epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/Book_Cyberpunk_Outlaws_and_Hackers_on_the_Computer_Frontier_Katie_Hafner_John_Markoff/content_478960586372
29. Monster by A. Lee Martinez. Review at Epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/Book_Monster_A_Lee_Martinez/content_478966091396
30. Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs. Review at epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/Naked_Lunch_by_William_S_Burroughs_and_by_Barry_Miles_and_by_James_Grauerholz/content_479188913796
31. Three Days to Never, Tim Powers
    Einstein's great-great-grandson and his daughter get caught up in a race between the Mossad and a group of bad guys who are trying to get a time machine put together by Einstein and Charlie Chaplin. Neat time travel story and better characterization than some Powers novels.
32. Spook Country, William Gibson
    Neuromancer took me several attempts to get into enough to finish, but when I did I loved it. This was the opposite. It starts of really strong and then just kind of runs out of steam. The ending is anti-climactic and too ambiguous to be interesting (and remember, I usually like ambiguity).
33. More Information Than You Require, John Hodgman
    Follow up to The Areas of My Expertise. Lots of completely made up information on a number of subjects including the perks of being a minor celebrity, which presidents had hooks for hands, and lots of information about Mole-Men (who may in fact be the new Hobos). Very funny stuff.
34. Death’s Daughter, Amber Benson Reviewed at Epinions: http://www.epinions.com/review/Book_Death_s_Daughter_Amber_Benson/content_486108663428
35. El Zombo Fantasma by Dave Wilkins and Kevin Munroe
    Story about a luchadore who returns from the grave to protect a young girl who's the incarnation of an ancient Aztec goddess. Not bad. Artwork is very pretty but not particularly good at storytelling.
36. The Men Who Stare at Goats by Jon Ronson. Reviewed at Kingyak.com: http://www.kingyak.com/categories/9-forteana/66-book-review-the-men-who-stare-at-goats.html
37. Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting Down--Dave Barry
38. Bible Stories for Adults--James Morrow
39. The Werewolf's Guide to Life--Ritch Duncan and Bob Powers
40. The Wordy Shipmates--Sarah Vowell
41. The Partly Cloudy Patriot, Sarah Vowell
42. Merlin, Norma Lorre Goodrich
43. Assassination Vacation, Sarah Vowell
    
    

The Men Who Stare at Goats

I don't usually cross-link my review here, but since The Men Who Stare at Goats book and movie are very Fortean (and since I haven't posted anything Fortean (or new) here in months), linking them seemed appropriate.

Book Review: The Men Who Stare at Goats
Movie Review: The Men Who Stare at Goats

Facebook: A Skewed Sample of America?

Some people claim that the strip-malling of America has led to a citizenry that clamors for the lowest common denominator in all things. In order to find out whether this is true, I decided to compare the number of Facebook fans for various pairings. Since numbers don't lie (except on Fox News), this should tell us whether or not the average American is truly as dumb as a lot of people seem to think.

Death Match #1: Mark Twain vs. P.J. O'Roarke
Mark Twain: Humorist, novelist, essayist, and arguably the greatest American writer of all time.
PJ O'Rourke: A reasonably funny guy with horrific political ideas. O'Rourke is sometimes compared to Twain, and he probably has whatever Libertarians consider an orgasm every time that happens.
Facebook Fans:
Mark Twain: 138
PJ O'Rourke: 309
Winner: Mr. Let's Privatize The Fire Department

Death Match #2: George Carlin vs. Carlos Mencia
George Carlin: One of the greatest comedians who ever lived, and the man who Robert Anton Wilson once called "America's Greatest Philosopher."
Carlos Mencia: Aka Ned Holnitz. A man whose primary talent is the ability to steal other comics' material.
Facebook Fans:
Carlin: 3,531
Mencia: 450
Winner: Originality and Actual Humor

Death Match #3: Guinness vs. Budweiser
Guinness: Can the entire nation of Ireland really be wrong about beer?
Budweiser: America's most mediocre beer.
Facebook Fans:
Guinness: 42,024
Budweiser: 5,282
Winner: The one that doesn't taste like warm piss.

Death Match #4: Backyard Burgers vs. McDonald's
Backyard Burgers: Sure, it's fast food, but at least their beef is made of something approaching an actual cow.
McDonald's: You ever notice how right after you eat a Big Mac, you need to take a shit? That's because an alarming percentage of McDonald's "beef" is composed of cow feces, so there's no digestion necessary.
Facebook Fans:
Backyard Burgers: 3
McDonald's: 258,436
Winner: Toilet Paper Manufacturers

Death Match #5: Edward R. Murrow vs. Bill O'Reilly
Edward R. Murrow: Generally considered to be the greatest television newsman of all time.
Bill O'Reilly: Political hack who Stephen Colbert has made a career of parodying. Based on his appearances on The Daily Show and Colbert Report, I've developed a theory that Papa Bear is doing the same thing Colbert does, he just doesn't have the good taste to publicly admit it.
Facebook Fans:
Murrow: 76
O'Reilly: Doesn't even have a fan page.
Winner: America

Death Match #6: Terry Gilliam vs. Michael Bay
Terry Gilliam: Visionary filmmaker (and former member of Monty Python) whose works include Time Bandits, Brazil, The Fisher King, 12 Monkeys, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, just to name a few.
Michael Bay: A guy who does explosions real good, if you can sit through the often ridiculous plot lines that lead up to them.
Facebook Fans
Terry Gilliam: 4,806
Michael Bay: 631
Winner: The man I hope gets to finish his Don Quixote movie one day.

Death Match #7: John Prine vs. Justin Timberlake
John Prine: The man Bob Dylan once called the greatest songwriter of the 20th Century.
Justin Timberlake: The guy who sang "Dick In A Box."
Facebook Fans:
Prine: No fan page. I find this deeply disturbing.
Timberlake: 466,819
Winner: J.T.

Death Match #8: Alan Moore vs. Todd McFarlane
Alan Moore: Author of Watchmen, V for Vendetta, From Hell, and countless other ground-breaking comics. Believed by many to be a magical being of pure energy.
Todd McFarlane: Creator of Spawn, the revenge story that never ends.
Facebook Fans:
Moore: 6481
McFarlane: 257, though Spawn has 903 fans (The Todd McFarlane is a Fucking Prick group has 7--soon to be 8--members).
Winner: Alan Moore. As it should be.

Death Match #9: Michael Chabon vs. Dan Brown
Michael Chabon: Award-winning author of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, an incredible book about comics, golems, and the American Dream.
Dan Brown: The man who swiped the plot of Holy Blood, Holy Grail, added the most two-dimensional characters this side of porn, and somehow ended up with a best-seller.
Facebook Fans:
Chabon: 528
Brown: 8,442
Winner: The worst author I've ever read an entire book by.

Death Match #10: Johnny Depp vs. Ben Affleck
Johnny Depp: Amazing actor whose roles include Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, and Hunter S. Thompson.
Ben Affleck: The man who can only act when Kevin Smith is behind the camera.
Facebook Fans:
Depp: 224,152 (413,110 for Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow)
Affleck: 12,371
Winner: The right one.

The Results
In a surprising 60% of my test cases, the higher quality competitor had the most Facebook Fans. On the surface, this seems to suggest that George Bernard Shaw's math was off and the 100% American is actually only 40% an idiot. Unfortunately, this fails to take into account two important factors: (1)The international nature of Facebook; and (2)the fact that many, um, let's call them "Michael Bay Fans" are probably not Facebook users (though there's an excellent chance many of them have Adspace accounts). So, in the tradition of the Christian Right, I'm going to boldly ignore science and continue to believe that the average American is dangerously stupid.