Sunday, February 8, 2009

Top Five Edited For TV Moments

Laziness, Nick Hornby, and network television are to blame...

5. Ferris Beuller's Day Off
Ferris: I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours.
TV Ferris: I don't even have a piece of tin. I have to envy yours.
Piece of tin? Really? You can't even call it a piece of crap, or a piece of junk, or anything else that a teenager might conceivably actually say?

4. Mallrats
Brodie: She was going down on me and I farted.
TV Brodie: She was kissing me and I vomited.
The edited for TV version of Mallrats is funny for a lot of reasons, but I chose this one because of the "girlfriend in the fridge" aspect. What do I mean by "girlfriend in a fridge?," you ask. Well, there was an issue Green Lantern where our hero's girlfriend was killed and stuffed in a fridge. The Comics Code Authority didn't like the artwork showing her stuffed in the fridge, so the artwork was changed. The approved artwork only showed a few limbs sticking out, giving the impression that she'd been dismembered and stuffed in the fridge, which is a bit more disturbing. Likewise, vomit in the mouth is quite a bit grosser than a close up butt belch.

3. National Lampoon's Vacation
East St. Louis Pimp:
Yo man, fuck yo' mama!
TV East St. Louis Pimp: Who do I look like, Christopher Columbo?
This is just great because the actor doing the voiceover has "what the fuck am I saying?" tone. Also, he sounds almost nothing like the actual actor.

2. Die Hard 2
John McClane: Yippie-Ki-Yay, Motherfucker!
TV John McClane: Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mister Falcon!
High placement on the list because we go to Die Hard movies to see Bruce Willis get the shit beat out of him, kick some terrorist ass, and say this line. Also because the voiceover actor sounds absolutely nothing like Bruce. In fact, he sounds kind of like Eddie Murphy's "white guy" voice (this was from back when Eddie Murphy was funny. If you don't remember then, ask your parents).

1. The Big Lebowski
Walter: This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
TV Walter: This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!
That doesn't even make sense.
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