In a moment, a collection of very short reviews of the movies I've seen this year. But first, an unrelated aside: On my way into Nashville last night, the transmitter that I use to listen to my MP3 player started getting interference, as often happens in new cities. Rather than try to find a usable frequency, I decided to try my luck with the radio--after all, Nashville should have some decent country stations in addition to the same 5 Clear Channel stations as every city in the nation, right? I occasionally have these moments of naive idealism. Anyway, on the way out of town today, the DJ is discussing the different types of country music--classic country, country rock, pop country, and "island country, which Kenny Chesney pretty much invented."
Really? You think so? There's a guy in Miami named Jimmy who I suspect would disagree. I hit the dial, and briefly had my faith in America restored by some Janis Joplin. Then that act of musical necrophilia that Kid Rock did to Sweet Home Alabama/Werewolves of London came on. I turned the MP3 player back on and returned to my musical bubble. I think I'll stay there. Now, about movies:
Sweeney Todd
Another Burton/Depp collaboration, only this time with musical numbers. The Depp/Burton thing is always good, but is starting to get a little tired.
Cloverfield
Two hours of my life that I'll never get back.
Vantage Point
Nice concept, but the execution left something to be desired. I like having at least a fighting chance of working out the twist for myself.
Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Those fucking aliens in another movie? An an Indy one at that? Really?
Iron Man
A friend of mine keeps trying to tell me that Iron Man was in some way not awesome. I realize that this is a matter of opinion, but she's wrong.
Hellboy II
There were a couple of things I didn't like about this one, but they were vastly outnumbered by cool monster butt-kickin'.
Journey To The Center of the Earth
Maybe not great film-making, but fun.
Hancock
I'm pretty sure the people who were disappointed by this movie were expecting too much. It's a Will Smith Fourth of July movie, people--enjoy the wisecracks and explosions, but don't expect a lot of depth.
Wanted
Cool stunts, but overall I can't decide if the premise of this one is stupid in a wonderful and entertaining way or just stupid.
The Dark Knight
Classic Frank Miller style Bats, Joker, and Two-Face, Gordon the way he's supposed to be done, and all without the necessity of involving Frank who, let's face it, has lost his God damned mind.
Step Brothers
As funny as Ferrell and Reilly are, I think I think Richard Jenkins might have outdone them.
Wall-E
It's a cute kids' story about a robot. It is neither groundbreaking film making nor biting social commentary. Accept it for what it is and move on, please.
Pineapple Express
Funny shit.
Swing Vote
You had me right up to the end, then you lost me.
Death Race
It's really hard to fuck up a movie involving Jason Statham and cars. As for ways of improving the formula, you could do worse than adding Al Swearengen and a killer Mustang.
House Bunny
Anna Farris is better than this.
Eagle Eye
Yeah, that's kinda what I figured. In other news, who is this LaBouf kid and why is he in every third movie coming out?
Baghead
I wanted to like this movie, but just ended up feeling kind of ambivalent.
Vicky Christina Barcelona
Yep, still don't get the appeal of Woody Allen.
Bottle Shock
Alan Rickman being snooty and British is always a good thing. Throw in Eliza Dushku (even if, as usual, she is criminally underused) and you got my eight bucks.
Lakeview Terrace
The Samuel L. Jackson movie equivalent of tofu. Filling but flavorless.
The Rocker
Worth it for the Will Arnett scenes alone, but the rest of it's actually funny, too. Also, they realize the true secret of making a good rock & roll movie--namely, make sure it's got Howard Hessman in it somewhere.
Burn After Reading
Quirky, funny, and occasionally ridicuous, but in that nice Coen brothers kind of way. As you know if you've seen the trailer, Brad Pitt was probably in his best form since Snatch.
Disaster Movie
Yeah, there's not much to do in this town, and sometimes you end up watching Disaster Movie. And yes, it's another shitty BLANK Movie. The death metal chipmunks were kinda cool, and Juno's overly clever dialog was actually well done for a scene or two.
Tropic Thunder
Stiller usually annoys me if he's a lead rather than part of the cast. Jack Black sometimes gets on my nerves. I went to see this for Robert Downey Jr. The fact that the rest of the cast did a great job was just a bonus. And holy shit, that was Tom Cruise!
My Best Friends Girl
I don't remember this one, but (according to my pile o' ticket stubs) I apparently saw it. I think maybe it had the piefucker in it. I can only assume there was nothing better to do that day.
Righteous Kill
De Niro and Paccino act at one another for two hours. This really can't go badly.
Hamlet 2
This movie had kind of a Napolean Dynamite vibe, only funny.
Considering Democracy
A documentary in which the film maker interviews people in other countries about America. Occasionally amusing and sometimes just depressing.
W
Much more symapthetic than you might expect.
Sex Drive
Funny if not particularly fresh and exciting. Plus it's got Seth Green as an Amish dude, and that's just cool.
Max Payne
Entertaining but forgettable.
Religulous
Very funny unless you're defensively religious or don't like Bill Mahr, in which case you're probably not going to see it anyway.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
I'm just not cool enough for this movie, and I feel pretty good about that.
Transiberian
Nice, well-acted thriller.
The Fisher King
Yeah, not a new movie, but one of my favorites, so if it's on the big screen I'm watching it. It continues to be on of my favorite Gilliam flicks, and Gilliam is one of my favorite directors. You do the math.
Quarantine
Finally, a movie in the Blair Witch/Cloverfield style that actually kinda works. Not great, but not actively disappointing, which is a first for the genre.
Zack And Miri Make a Porno
Kevin Smith and Seth Rogan working together should probably be funnier than this, but this is still pretty damned funny (though I could have done without the Jay cock). Also, it's nice to see Elizabeth Banks in every third movie coming out. She's a lot cuter than that LaBouf kid.
Saw V
I didn't see the 3rd and 4th Saw movies, and apparently actually did miss some plot points along the way. This does not make me feel any obligation to go back and watch what I've missed.
Role Models
This movie was even funnier than I expected, and I expected it to be pretty damned funny.
Sould Men
Nice to see The Blues Brothers formula put to good use.
Quantum of Solace
I still haven't seen Casino Royale, so this was my first experience with the bold new gadgetless era of Bond. I enjoyed the movie, but am still not sure how I feel about 007 flicks without Q branch.
Apaloosa
Ed Harris and Aragorn come to town and shooot some people while the extremely untalented Renee Zellwegger eats up valuable screen time.
RocknRolla
Guy Ritchie movie about slightly higher-rent London gangsters, but still a Guy Ritchie movie about London gangsters. Not as good as Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, but still fun.
Bolt
Amusing.
Punisher: War Zone
It's hard to be diappointed when you don't expect much. I wasn't disappointed.
Cadillac Records
I kind of felt like I'd seen this movie before, but that was ok given the great acting (and great music). Mos Def as Chuck Berry was as great as you might suspect it would be.
Christmas On Mars
I'm not sure why The Flaming Lips needed an excuse to make weird freaky space music, but aparently this movie gave it to them. I'm not entirely sure if this movie was good or bad, but it was definitely weird.
Seven Pounds
Well made, but don't expect any surprises. What's happening is just what you think is happening.
The Spirit
There is a line that separates the entertainingly misguided from the blindingly stupid. The Spirit walks this line. See also earlier comment about how Frank Miller has lost his God damned mind.
STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEO BONUS ROUND:
Lost Boys II: The Tribe
This wasn't the train wreck I was afraid it would be, but I'm still not sure that means it should have been made. Feldman's Seth Gecko tats were a nice touch, though.
Zombie Strippers
Strippers, zombies, and over-the-top Robert Englund. In Kentucky we have a word for that kind of thing: Trifecta.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Monday, November 24, 2008
I Stole This Idea From Cullen Bunn
And there's not a DAMNED (see what I did there?) thing he can do about it.
In my 36 years I have...
In my 36 years I have...
- Been nearly buried alive in a rockslide.
- Won a Commodore 64 in an essay contest. That's computing power, baby!
- Become an Eagle Scout.
- Taught Archery.
- Been a concert T-Shirt salesman.
- Driven to a city 200 miles away because I was bored and had never been there.
- Met Glen Danzig---at a science fiction convention (I also met The Iron Shiek there).
- Helped create an award-winning mock flyer.
- Co-created an entire web site for a completely ficticious rock band.
- Become a Discordian Pope (not really much of an accomplishment, since everyone is a Discordian Pope, but most people don't know it so I think it should count).
- Seen George Carlin perform live.
- Established beyond a shadow of a doubt that I should never be alowed to drink Rumplemintz.
- Seen Johnny Cash perform live.
- Seen a 3-D porno on the big screen, which is not nearly as cool as you might think.
- Watched "Dancin' Outlaw" so many times I've probably got it memorized.
- Lived with a stripper.
- Graduated from Transylvania University with a degree in Fucking Useless.
- Had a beer with Larry Elmore.
- Managed a comic book store.
- Driven a cab.
- Gotten drunk with some of the guys from Ghoultown.
- Created a Role-Playing game (actually more than one, but only QAGS was ever published).
- Written the first book where Robert Kirkman's work was ever published. Of course, we published his artwork, not his writing. Keen business decisions like this are why Kirkman's the golden boy of comics and we're languishing in obscurity.
- Co-Founded a game company that's survived tax troubles, having thousands of dollars stolen from it by a a jackass, and the virtual collapse of the industry.
- Written, co-written, or contributed writing to a bunch of game books (but I hope to one day move into something respectable--like porn or comics). Edited, done layout, drawn maps, and otherwise contributed to even more.
- Partied with Dr. Demento--on multiple occasions.
- Wandered around Pulaski County, Kentucky doing a photoshoot of people with lots of guns...on the same day the Sheriff was assassinated. I suspect we were the subject of lots of good gossip in the following weeks.
- Taken a road trip to Vegas.
- Gotten a Nebula-Award Winning author drunk (and, we think, laid).
- Stood on the corner in Winslow Arizona.
- Interviewed Dr. Demento, Shannon "Too Much Coffee Man" Wheeler, the guy who writes Deep Fried, and probably some other people I'm not thinking of right now.
- Given Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed a ride from the movies to their hotel--without realizing who they were until they were walking into the hotel.
- Beaten Steve Jackson at his own game (live action TOON).
- Shaken hands with Bruce Campbell.
- Received (on behalf of Hex Games) a Certificate of Achievement by a drunken man in a kilt during a very solemn ceremony that took place in a hotel bathroom at 2 in the morning.
- Participated in (and, in fact, helped create) bogus mystical rituals.
- Had an article I wrote linked from Penny Arcade, which meant it got like a zillion hits.
- Signed autographs--that's always kinda weird.
- Been Gaming Guest of Honor at two sci-fi conventions.
- Somehow accquired the nickname "Chainsaw."
- Carpooled with a hitman who, as it turns out, had done a hit on the family of a girl I went to college with (to my credit, I didn't know this at the time).
- Probably been an acessory to more crimes than I want to think about.
- Hung out backstage with members of Jackson Browne's band.
- Been rumored on the internet to have received a Cease and Desist Order from 20th Century Fox and/or Mutant Enemy Productions (or at least a nasty letter from Joss Whedon). These rumors are false.
- Actually received a C & D from the Game Manufacturer's Assocation, which isn't nearly as cool.
- Written a complete RPG in 24 hours.
- Created a Discordian Holiday (St Zevon's Day, January 24, when people are encouraged to listen to Warren Zevon, enjoy a sandwich, and (mooon phase permitting) turn into a werewolf and terrorize London).
- Had a couple of photoshop pieces published on Cracked.com.
- Moved back to the place I hated growing up and gotten a day job. Hopefully life will get interesting again someday...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Appetite For Illusions
It's been a long time since I've written here--the whole "grown-up job" thing is slowly killing me (or at least leeching my creative energy). But it's been even longer since Guns N' Roses released an album. Ignoring The Spaghetti Incident? (which was all covers and mostly sucktacular--though not quite as bad as most people claim), the last time we've heard from G N' R (other than that awful song from the Aaaanold vs. Satan movie) was in 1991, when they released both Use Your Illusion albums on the same day. Just to give you an idea of how long ago that was, here are some fun facts about what was (or in some cases, wasn't) going on in the world as I stood in the cold at Midnight to get my hands on these two tapes (yeah, that's right, tapes--the albums also released on CD, but they were still kind of a new thing):
Dr. Pepper is a powerful motivator (especially Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, which I'm reasonably sure contains crack cocaine), and in order to collect their share of the syrupy goodness, Axl and the boys (whoever that was at the moment) finished the album and announced it would release on November 23 at Best Buy (and only at Best Buy, but I think you can all guess my problems with that). I'm sure you can also buy the album online, but this is a case where I for one need the real thing. I'm fine with just a digital copy of the newest Kid Rock or whatever, but when it comes to serious music (or at least something as long-awaited as this), I want liner notes and album art and all that good stuff. So I dug out my portable CD player, picked up the CD at Best Buy, and hit the interstate, fully intending to (as Jon Bon Jovi might say) have my face rocked.
I had heard from a few sources that this album was supposed to be classic G N' R, and the first few tracks were promising, if not quite up to the Appetite for Destruction level of dirty rock goodness. After that, the album veers into Use Your Illusion territory and pretty much stays there. This is clearly the Axl rose show--not that there's anything wrong with that. Once you accept the idea that Chinese Democracy isn't going to kick your ass with anything approaching Welcome to the Jungle or My Michelle, it works pretty well as Use Your Illusion III--overproduced but very listenable. It's not the new Guns N' Roses album you really want, but when you think about it, Chinese Democracy is the new Guns N' Roses album that you probably should have expected.
As for the free Dr. Pepper, the company tried to make good on the offer, but the sheer number of responses crashed their site. They've extended the offer and supposedly increased their bandwidth, but so far I haven't been able to make it through. As you might expect, there are already several net forums where people are bitching and whining about how Dr. Pepper "scammed" everyone by not beefing up their website beforehand. I'm not sure how failure to anticipate participation in an offer for free product counts as a scam, but I guess idiots like that are the price we pay for porn and Strongbad.
- I had been a freshman in college for less than a month.
- The first George Bush was President, and the first Gulf War had only been over for a few months.
- It would still be three more years before Rick Rubin would revive Johnny Cash's career with the first installment of the American Recordings series.
- O.J. hadn't killed anyone yet.
- The Big Lebowski was still 7 years away.
- The Chicago Bulls had just won their FIRST NBA championship.
- The interwebs didn't really exist yet. No Facebook, no MySpace, no Wikipedia, no blogs, no Strongbad, no porn. Just a handful of BBSes that only a few hardcore nerds even knew about.
- The term "former Soviet Union" was just coming into the collective vocabulary.
- Freddie Mercury was still alive.
- Hex Games (now celebrating 10 years of QAGS--buy your copy today at www.hexgames.com) wouldn't be founded for another 6 years. In fact, I hadn't even met co-founders Leighton Connor and Dale French yet. I hadn't learned the fine art of the cheap plug yet, either.
Dr. Pepper is a powerful motivator (especially Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, which I'm reasonably sure contains crack cocaine), and in order to collect their share of the syrupy goodness, Axl and the boys (whoever that was at the moment) finished the album and announced it would release on November 23 at Best Buy (and only at Best Buy, but I think you can all guess my problems with that). I'm sure you can also buy the album online, but this is a case where I for one need the real thing. I'm fine with just a digital copy of the newest Kid Rock or whatever, but when it comes to serious music (or at least something as long-awaited as this), I want liner notes and album art and all that good stuff. So I dug out my portable CD player, picked up the CD at Best Buy, and hit the interstate, fully intending to (as Jon Bon Jovi might say) have my face rocked.
I had heard from a few sources that this album was supposed to be classic G N' R, and the first few tracks were promising, if not quite up to the Appetite for Destruction level of dirty rock goodness. After that, the album veers into Use Your Illusion territory and pretty much stays there. This is clearly the Axl rose show--not that there's anything wrong with that. Once you accept the idea that Chinese Democracy isn't going to kick your ass with anything approaching Welcome to the Jungle or My Michelle, it works pretty well as Use Your Illusion III--overproduced but very listenable. It's not the new Guns N' Roses album you really want, but when you think about it, Chinese Democracy is the new Guns N' Roses album that you probably should have expected.
As for the free Dr. Pepper, the company tried to make good on the offer, but the sheer number of responses crashed their site. They've extended the offer and supposedly increased their bandwidth, but so far I haven't been able to make it through. As you might expect, there are already several net forums where people are bitching and whining about how Dr. Pepper "scammed" everyone by not beefing up their website beforehand. I'm not sure how failure to anticipate participation in an offer for free product counts as a scam, but I guess idiots like that are the price we pay for porn and Strongbad.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Movie Madness
Since I live in Mayberry, I've been seeing a lot of movies lately because it's about the only thing to do. However, I haven't been very good about actually sharing my opinions of these movies with the unsuspecting world. I'm going to do that now.
Hancock
I've heard a lot of bad reviews of this movie, but quite frankly I don't get them. Apparently some people think that it's supposed to have some kind of subtext or something--I've heard that it's everything from Will Smith dealing with his fame to a commentary on black America. My opinion is that these people went to see the wrong movie. This is a Will Smith 4th of July movie, and there are certain things we can expect from those: 1) Will Smith will play Will Smith, but that's ok because we like Will Smith; 2) There will be some explosions and shit; 3) The plot might not be great and there won't be any deeper meaning, but that's ok, because it's got Will Smith and explosions and shit. If you go in expecting anything more, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Wanted
So, there's this secret society of weavers who are also trained assassins with semi-magical gun-fu powers. They've got a magical loom that tells them who they're supposed to kill. Yeah, this movie is fucking stupid. Fortunately, the utterly ridiculous plot isn't a deal breaker, because you're going to see Angelina Jolie and guns, both of which are present throughout the movie. Plus, you get hear Morgan Freeman say "mother fucker," which just doesn't happen that often.
Journey to the Center of the Earth
This is a fun movie with some neat special effects while you're watching it, but it doesn't really leave a lasting impression--sort of the film equivalent of Chinese food. Apparently the company that made it went bankrupt before it was even released and some people (I think F/X guys, but possibly writers) didn't get paid. Brendan Frasier is trying to help them, which just proves once again that Brendan Frasier is a swell guy. That's why I still think somebody should cast him as Superman. We know he can do action and we know he can do the aw shucks boy scout Clark stuff, so what's the holdup?
Pineapple Express
Seth Rogen, like Will Smith, plays the same guy in every movie, but, again like Will Smith, we like Seth Rogen, so we're good with that. Throw in James Franco as a wacky drug dealer, Gary Cole as the bad guy, and lots of typical action movie stuff played for laughs and it's hard to go wrong.
Swing Vote
Nobody has (in the immortal words of Warren Ellis) given two tugs of a dead dog's cock about Kevin Costner in quite some time, but this movie has Dennis Hopper and Kelsey Grammer as the two Presidential hopefuls,and that's just the kind of thing that convinces me to pay good money to see a Costner movie. Despite the cliched kid/parent role reversal, this is a good movie up to a point. You see, Bud (Costner's character) is the average American voter (ie, a stupid, uninformed hick), and the movie does a good job of showing how catering to this guy (as both parties do every election cycle) is ultimately detrimental to the god of our country. That is, until they punk out and give him a brain. After all, the average voter is also the average moviegoer.
Death Race
Jason Statham and cars tend to mix well, so he was a natural choice for the Death Race 2000 remake. Throw in a combat Mustang built by Ian McShane and Joan Allen as an evil prison warden, and you've got brainless action movie gold. I challenge you not to enjoy the hell out of this flick.
The House Bunny
There's a lot of eye candy and some mild amusement value in this movie, but Anna Faris is funnier than this. Watch Just Friends instead.
The Rocker
The makers of this movie know what it takes to make a good Rock n' Roll comedy. Namely, Howard Hesseman. He's only got a few scenes in the movie, but his mere presence adds legitimacy to the whole thing. Overall, the movie is about what you'd expect, but thanks to a few nice touches--for instance, the British accents that come with fame--and a good supporting cast including Jeff Garlin, Christina Applegate, and Will Arnett (who is perfect as the lead singer of hair band Vesuvius), and the end result is a much funnier movie than you might expect from the previews.
Disaster Movie
Yeah, I knew this would suck, but there wasn't another movie starting for like 45 minutes. Maybe because of my extremely low expectations, I actually enjoyed parts of this movie. Juno's "overly written, clever-for-clever's sake" dialog was great in the first few scenes (though by the end it was just random webspeak), the Princess was pretty damned amusing, and there were some funny gags. Then there were the Death Metal Chipmunks, which I'd watch an entire movie about right damned now. Otherwise, it's Another BLANK Movie.
Burn After Reading
Ever since True Romance, we've known that Brad Pitt is great at playing stupid, and Burn After Reading lets him really shine at being dumb. The rest of the cast is just as good as you'd expect it to be, but nobody else really stands out any more than usual. Former Coen regulars Hunter, Goodman, and Torturo are (again) regrettably missing from the cast, but the addition of JK Simmons helps to make up for their absence, at least a little bit. Not the Coen's best work, but still a Coen Brothers movie, and therefore well worth watching.
Tropic Thunder
This is one of those movies that reminds you how funny Ben Stiller can be. Of course, since both Stiller and Jack Black are both kind of hit or miss with me, I didn't really have many expectations of this movie until I found out that Robert Downey, Jr. was playing the black guy. That made me want to see it, and Downey was by far the best part of the whole movie. The way the role is written and played, there's not even any real guilt about laughing at a guy who's essentially doing blackface. In addition to the main cast, there's a fun bit role by Matthew McConehoweveryospellWoodersonslastname and an incredibly uncharacteristic performance by--well, I'll just say "Les Grossman." Because if you don't already know that this guy's in the movie (or, like me, had already forgotten Stiller mentioning it on The Daily Show), I don't want to ruin the great "holy shit" moment when you find out who plays Les Grossman.
Hancock
I've heard a lot of bad reviews of this movie, but quite frankly I don't get them. Apparently some people think that it's supposed to have some kind of subtext or something--I've heard that it's everything from Will Smith dealing with his fame to a commentary on black America. My opinion is that these people went to see the wrong movie. This is a Will Smith 4th of July movie, and there are certain things we can expect from those: 1) Will Smith will play Will Smith, but that's ok because we like Will Smith; 2) There will be some explosions and shit; 3) The plot might not be great and there won't be any deeper meaning, but that's ok, because it's got Will Smith and explosions and shit. If you go in expecting anything more, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Wanted
So, there's this secret society of weavers who are also trained assassins with semi-magical gun-fu powers. They've got a magical loom that tells them who they're supposed to kill. Yeah, this movie is fucking stupid. Fortunately, the utterly ridiculous plot isn't a deal breaker, because you're going to see Angelina Jolie and guns, both of which are present throughout the movie. Plus, you get hear Morgan Freeman say "mother fucker," which just doesn't happen that often.
Journey to the Center of the Earth
This is a fun movie with some neat special effects while you're watching it, but it doesn't really leave a lasting impression--sort of the film equivalent of Chinese food. Apparently the company that made it went bankrupt before it was even released and some people (I think F/X guys, but possibly writers) didn't get paid. Brendan Frasier is trying to help them, which just proves once again that Brendan Frasier is a swell guy. That's why I still think somebody should cast him as Superman. We know he can do action and we know he can do the aw shucks boy scout Clark stuff, so what's the holdup?
Pineapple Express
Seth Rogen, like Will Smith, plays the same guy in every movie, but, again like Will Smith, we like Seth Rogen, so we're good with that. Throw in James Franco as a wacky drug dealer, Gary Cole as the bad guy, and lots of typical action movie stuff played for laughs and it's hard to go wrong.
Swing Vote
Nobody has (in the immortal words of Warren Ellis) given two tugs of a dead dog's cock about Kevin Costner in quite some time, but this movie has Dennis Hopper and Kelsey Grammer as the two Presidential hopefuls,and that's just the kind of thing that convinces me to pay good money to see a Costner movie. Despite the cliched kid/parent role reversal, this is a good movie up to a point. You see, Bud (Costner's character) is the average American voter (ie, a stupid, uninformed hick), and the movie does a good job of showing how catering to this guy (as both parties do every election cycle) is ultimately detrimental to the god of our country. That is, until they punk out and give him a brain. After all, the average voter is also the average moviegoer.
Death Race
Jason Statham and cars tend to mix well, so he was a natural choice for the Death Race 2000 remake. Throw in a combat Mustang built by Ian McShane and Joan Allen as an evil prison warden, and you've got brainless action movie gold. I challenge you not to enjoy the hell out of this flick.
The House Bunny
There's a lot of eye candy and some mild amusement value in this movie, but Anna Faris is funnier than this. Watch Just Friends instead.
The Rocker
The makers of this movie know what it takes to make a good Rock n' Roll comedy. Namely, Howard Hesseman. He's only got a few scenes in the movie, but his mere presence adds legitimacy to the whole thing. Overall, the movie is about what you'd expect, but thanks to a few nice touches--for instance, the British accents that come with fame--and a good supporting cast including Jeff Garlin, Christina Applegate, and Will Arnett (who is perfect as the lead singer of hair band Vesuvius), and the end result is a much funnier movie than you might expect from the previews.
Disaster Movie
Yeah, I knew this would suck, but there wasn't another movie starting for like 45 minutes. Maybe because of my extremely low expectations, I actually enjoyed parts of this movie. Juno's "overly written, clever-for-clever's sake" dialog was great in the first few scenes (though by the end it was just random webspeak), the Princess was pretty damned amusing, and there were some funny gags. Then there were the Death Metal Chipmunks, which I'd watch an entire movie about right damned now. Otherwise, it's Another BLANK Movie.
Burn After Reading
Ever since True Romance, we've known that Brad Pitt is great at playing stupid, and Burn After Reading lets him really shine at being dumb. The rest of the cast is just as good as you'd expect it to be, but nobody else really stands out any more than usual. Former Coen regulars Hunter, Goodman, and Torturo are (again) regrettably missing from the cast, but the addition of JK Simmons helps to make up for their absence, at least a little bit. Not the Coen's best work, but still a Coen Brothers movie, and therefore well worth watching.
Tropic Thunder
This is one of those movies that reminds you how funny Ben Stiller can be. Of course, since both Stiller and Jack Black are both kind of hit or miss with me, I didn't really have many expectations of this movie until I found out that Robert Downey, Jr. was playing the black guy. That made me want to see it, and Downey was by far the best part of the whole movie. The way the role is written and played, there's not even any real guilt about laughing at a guy who's essentially doing blackface. In addition to the main cast, there's a fun bit role by Matthew McConehoweveryospellWoodersonslastname and an incredibly uncharacteristic performance by--well, I'll just say "Les Grossman." Because if you don't already know that this guy's in the movie (or, like me, had already forgotten Stiller mentioning it on The Daily Show), I don't want to ruin the great "holy shit" moment when you find out who plays Les Grossman.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Facebook: A Skewed Sample of America?
Some people claim that the strip-malling of America has led to a citizenry that clamors for the lowest common denominator in all things. In order to find out whether this is true, I decided to compare the number of Facebook fans for various pairings. Since numbers don't lie (except on Fox News), this should tell us whether or not the average American is truly as dumb as a lot of people seem to think.
Death Match #1: Mark Twain vs. P.J. O'Roarke
Mark Twain: Humorist, novelist, essayist, and arguably the greatest American writer of all time.
PJ O'Rourke: A reasonably funny guy with horrific political ideas. O'Rourke is sometimes compared to Twain, and he probably has whatever Libertarians consider an orgasm every time that happens.
Facebook Fans:
Mark Twain: 138
PJ O'Rourke: 309
Winner: Mr. Let's Privatize The Fire Department
Death Match #2: George Carlin vs. Carlos Mencia
George Carlin: One of the greatest comedians who ever lived, and the man who Robert Anton Wilson once called "America's Greatest Philosopher."
Carlos Mencia: Aka Ned Holnitz. A man whose primary talent is the ability to steal other comics' material.
Facebook Fans:
Carlin: 3,531
Mencia: 450
Winner: Originality and Actual Humor
Death Match #3: Guinness vs. Budweiser
Guinness: Can the entire nation of Ireland really be wrong about beer?
Budweiser: America's most mediocre beer.
Facebook Fans:
Guinness: 42,024
Budweiser: 5,282
Winner: The one that doesn't taste like warm piss.
Death Match #4: Backyard Burgers vs. McDonald's
Backyard Burgers: Sure, it's fast food, but at least their beef is made of something approaching an actual cow.
McDonald's: You ever notice how right after you eat a Big Mac, you need to take a shit? That's because an alarming percentage of McDonald's "beef" is composed of cow feces, so there's no digestion necessary.
Facebook Fans:
Backyard Burgers: 3
McDonald's: 258,436
Winner: Toilet Paper Manufacturers
Death Match #5: Edward R. Murrow vs. Bill O'Reilly
Edward R. Murrow: Generally considered to be the greatest television newsman of all time.
Bill O'Reilly: Political hack who Stephen Colbert has made a career of parodying. Based on his appearances on The Daily Show and Colbert Report, I've developed a theory that Papa Bear is doing the same thing Colbert does, he just doesn't have the good taste to publicly admit it.
Facebook Fans:
Murrow: 76
O'Reilly: Doesn't even have a fan page.
Winner: America
Death Match #6: Terry Gilliam vs. Michael Bay
Terry Gilliam: Visionary filmmaker (and former member of Monty Python) whose works include Time Bandits, Brazil, The Fisher King, 12 Monkeys, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, just to name a few.
Michael Bay: A guy who does explosions real good, if you can sit through the often ridiculous plot lines that lead up to them.
Facebook Fans
Terry Gilliam: 4,806
Michael Bay: 631
Winner: The man I hope gets to finish his Don Quixote movie one day.
Death Match #7: John Prine vs. Justin Timberlake
John Prine: The man Bob Dylan once called the greatest songwriter of the 20th Century.
Justin Timberlake: The guy who sang "Dick In A Box."
Facebook Fans:
Prine: No fan page. I find this deeply disturbing.
Timberlake: 466,819
Winner: J.T.
Death Match #8: Alan Moore vs. Todd McFarlane
Alan Moore: Author of Watchmen, V for Vendetta, From Hell, and countless other ground-breaking comics. Believed by many to be a magical being of pure energy.
Todd McFarlane: Creator of Spawn, the revenge story that never ends.
Facebook Fans:
Moore: 6481
McFarlane: 257, though Spawn has 903 fans (The Todd McFarlane is a Fucking Prick group has 7--soon to be 8--members).
Winner: Alan Moore. As it should be.
Death Match #9: Michael Chabon vs. Dan Brown
Michael Chabon: Award-winning author of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, an incredible book about comics, golems, and the American Dream.
Dan Brown: The man who swiped the plot of Holy Blood, Holy Grail, added the most two-dimensional characters this side of porn, and somehow ended up with a best-seller.
Facebook Fans:
Chabon: 528
Brown: 8,442
Winner: The worst author I've ever read an entire book by.
Death Match #10: Johnny Depp vs. Ben Affleck
Johnny Depp: Amazing actor whose roles include Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, and Hunter S. Thompson.
Ben Affleck: The man who can only act when Kevin Smith is behind the camera.
Facebook Fans:
Depp: 224,152 (413,110 for Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow)
Affleck: 12,371
Winner: The right one.
The Results
In a surprising 60% of my test cases, the higher quality competitor had the most Facebook Fans. On the surface, this seems to suggest that George Bernard Shaw's math was off and the 100% American is actually only 40% an idiot. Unfortunately, this fails to take into account two important factors: (1)The international nature of Facebook; and (2)the fact that many, um, let's call them "Michael Bay Fans" are probably not Facebook users (though there's an excellent chance many of them have Adspace accounts). So, in the tradition of the Christian Right, I'm going to boldly ignore science and continue to believe that the average American is dangerously stupid.
Death Match #1: Mark Twain vs. P.J. O'Roarke
Mark Twain: Humorist, novelist, essayist, and arguably the greatest American writer of all time.
PJ O'Rourke: A reasonably funny guy with horrific political ideas. O'Rourke is sometimes compared to Twain, and he probably has whatever Libertarians consider an orgasm every time that happens.
Facebook Fans:
Mark Twain: 138
PJ O'Rourke: 309
Winner: Mr. Let's Privatize The Fire Department
Death Match #2: George Carlin vs. Carlos Mencia
George Carlin: One of the greatest comedians who ever lived, and the man who Robert Anton Wilson once called "America's Greatest Philosopher."
Carlos Mencia: Aka Ned Holnitz. A man whose primary talent is the ability to steal other comics' material.
Facebook Fans:
Carlin: 3,531
Mencia: 450
Winner: Originality and Actual Humor
Death Match #3: Guinness vs. Budweiser
Guinness: Can the entire nation of Ireland really be wrong about beer?
Budweiser: America's most mediocre beer.
Facebook Fans:
Guinness: 42,024
Budweiser: 5,282
Winner: The one that doesn't taste like warm piss.
Death Match #4: Backyard Burgers vs. McDonald's
Backyard Burgers: Sure, it's fast food, but at least their beef is made of something approaching an actual cow.
McDonald's: You ever notice how right after you eat a Big Mac, you need to take a shit? That's because an alarming percentage of McDonald's "beef" is composed of cow feces, so there's no digestion necessary.
Facebook Fans:
Backyard Burgers: 3
McDonald's: 258,436
Winner: Toilet Paper Manufacturers
Death Match #5: Edward R. Murrow vs. Bill O'Reilly
Edward R. Murrow: Generally considered to be the greatest television newsman of all time.
Bill O'Reilly: Political hack who Stephen Colbert has made a career of parodying. Based on his appearances on The Daily Show and Colbert Report, I've developed a theory that Papa Bear is doing the same thing Colbert does, he just doesn't have the good taste to publicly admit it.
Facebook Fans:
Murrow: 76
O'Reilly: Doesn't even have a fan page.
Winner: America
Death Match #6: Terry Gilliam vs. Michael Bay
Terry Gilliam: Visionary filmmaker (and former member of Monty Python) whose works include Time Bandits, Brazil, The Fisher King, 12 Monkeys, and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, just to name a few.
Michael Bay: A guy who does explosions real good, if you can sit through the often ridiculous plot lines that lead up to them.
Facebook Fans
Terry Gilliam: 4,806
Michael Bay: 631
Winner: The man I hope gets to finish his Don Quixote movie one day.
Death Match #7: John Prine vs. Justin Timberlake
John Prine: The man Bob Dylan once called the greatest songwriter of the 20th Century.
Justin Timberlake: The guy who sang "Dick In A Box."
Facebook Fans:
Prine: No fan page. I find this deeply disturbing.
Timberlake: 466,819
Winner: J.T.
Death Match #8: Alan Moore vs. Todd McFarlane
Alan Moore: Author of Watchmen, V for Vendetta, From Hell, and countless other ground-breaking comics. Believed by many to be a magical being of pure energy.
Todd McFarlane: Creator of Spawn, the revenge story that never ends.
Facebook Fans:
Moore: 6481
McFarlane: 257, though Spawn has 903 fans (The Todd McFarlane is a Fucking Prick group has 7--soon to be 8--members).
Winner: Alan Moore. As it should be.
Death Match #9: Michael Chabon vs. Dan Brown
Michael Chabon: Award-winning author of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, an incredible book about comics, golems, and the American Dream.
Dan Brown: The man who swiped the plot of Holy Blood, Holy Grail, added the most two-dimensional characters this side of porn, and somehow ended up with a best-seller.
Facebook Fans:
Chabon: 528
Brown: 8,442
Winner: The worst author I've ever read an entire book by.
Death Match #10: Johnny Depp vs. Ben Affleck
Johnny Depp: Amazing actor whose roles include Captain Jack Sparrow, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, and Hunter S. Thompson.
Ben Affleck: The man who can only act when Kevin Smith is behind the camera.
Facebook Fans:
Depp: 224,152 (413,110 for Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow)
Affleck: 12,371
Winner: The right one.
The Results
In a surprising 60% of my test cases, the higher quality competitor had the most Facebook Fans. On the surface, this seems to suggest that George Bernard Shaw's math was off and the 100% American is actually only 40% an idiot. Unfortunately, this fails to take into account two important factors: (1)The international nature of Facebook; and (2)the fact that many, um, let's call them "Michael Bay Fans" are probably not Facebook users (though there's an excellent chance many of them have Adspace accounts). So, in the tradition of the Christian Right, I'm going to boldly ignore science and continue to believe that the average American is dangerously stupid.
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