Friday, June 20, 2008

5 Batshit Crazy Rumors About Barack Obama

Since the beginning of the current Presidential race, a cottage industry has grown up around spreading rumors about candidate Barack Hussein Obama. It seems that any claim about Obama, no matter how poorly documented or patently untrue, receives a disproportionate amount of media coverage. Not one to pass up a chance at free publicity, no matter how undeserved, I've delved into Obama's past and come up with five completely unfounded rumors in hopes that Bill O'Reilly or somebody will decide to run with on of them and send me some extra web traffic.

1) Barack Hussein Obama is the great-great-grandson of Jack the Ripper.
Considerable air time and column space have been dedicated to Obama's Kenyan father, but very few reporters have really delved into the family history of Barack's white mother. As it turns out, Barack's mother is the granddaughter of Abigale Gull, daughter of Royal Physician Sir William Gull. According to some sources (most notably Alan Moore's graphic novel From Hell) Gull was the infamous Ripper.

2) Barack Hussein Obama used to be a Nazi!
Anyone who studies Barack Obama's high school and college transcripts will easily come to this conclusion. In addition to 3 years of German language courses, Obama took such courses as Early 20th Century European History (which, let's face it, revolves around Germany), An Introduction to The Philosophy of Nietzsche, and Films of the Weimar Republic. Also, Obama is from Illinois, and anyone who's seen The Blues Brothers knows that Illinois is crawling with Nazis.

3) Barack Hussein Obama is a Space Alien!
A lot of people believe that Barack won't release his birth certificate because he was born in Kenya. In fact, Obama doesn't have a birth certificate because he was never born. Instead, Obama was produced through a very complicated form of asexual reproduction by a being name Zarcodidle who lives on the western edge of the Crab Nebula. He was then sent to earth to prepare the planet for alien conquest.

4) Barack Hussein Obama is a sexual predator!
According to a former neighbor, Obama is a child molester. The young boy (who asked not to be named because he does not, in fact, exist) claims that Obama used to come over and put on a "puppet show" with his naughty parts. He would then touch the little boy on his "pee-pee." Obama would then masturbate into a bowl of Froot Loops cereal, which he would eat with toast and a tall glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.

5) Barack Hussein Obama is a Werewolf!
On the night of December 20, 1997, while returning from a Kwanza Party, Barack's 1993 Saab slid off the road and into a ditch. As he walked through the snowy winter's night to get help, Obama was attacked by a large wolf-like creature who walked on two legs. Now, when the moon is full Obama transforms into a monster and prowls the countryside in search of prey.

Come and get it, Papa Bear!
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