Tuesday, September 8, 2009

What Obama Really Said To America's Kids: A Goat Head Gumbo Exclusive

Many people assume that the speech given to our nation’s school children by President Obama actually followed the transcript released by the White House, and that the footage aired by most major news networks was of the actual speech. In fact, Obama’s true “Back to School” speech was very different. Goat Head Gumbo has acquired a partial transcript of the actual Obama speech, which is reprinted below.

Hello everyone – how's everybody doing today? I'm here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we've got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I'm glad you all could join us for today’s indoctrination.

When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years. The school I went to there is called a “madrasah.” Now I know that’s kind of a funny name, but I learned a lot of important things there. For example, I learned that there is no God but Allah and that Mohammad is his prophet. I also learned that those of us who are righteous in the eyes of Allah must wage Jihad on the capitalist imperialist pig-dogs of America. This valuable lesson would eventually lead to pursue a career in politics, so that I could destroy America from within.

I decided as a youngster, not much older than many of you, that the best way to destroy American society was to attain the highest post in the land, namely President of the United States. Moving to America was the first step in this plan, but there was a lot more to do. For instance, I had to hide all traces of my Kenyan birth. That meant forging a birth certificate and adding a birth announcement to every single archive edition of several Hawaiian newspapers—including microfiche editions. I won’t kid you: it was a lot of work for a ten-year old. After that---

[Doorbell Rings]

Hey, I wonder who that is at the door. Let’s go find out!

[Obama opens door revealing SALLY THE SOCIALIST SQUIRREL]

Look Kids! It’s my old friend Sally the Socialist Squirrel. What are you doing here, Sally?

I heard you were giving a speech to the kids of America and thought I should probably interrupt before you bored them to tears with the story of how you became President.

PRESIDENT OBAMA [Sweating profusely]
Haw! Haw! Haw! That’s a good one, Sally! You’ve got pretty good timing, thought, because I was just about to tell the kids how working hard in school got me into Harvard, which is of course where you come into the story!

That’s right, kids! I’m a professor at Harvard, and like most East Coast Liberals, I’m a raging socialist! From the moment I first met President Obama, I knew he was just the Muslim terrorist we socialists needed! If we could only get him elected President, we could steal money from well-deserving inheritors, Wall Street geniuses, and other hard-working types through taxation and then redistribute the wealth to a bunch of shiftless, lazy, welfare moms. If we were lucky, we could even give them all free health care!

Sally took it upon herself to introduce me to all kinds of important people, like Albie the Abortion Ape, Gary the Gay Marriage Gazelle, Bill Ayers, and Franz the Facism Fox, just to name a few. All these new friends eventually helped me get elected President of the United States, but I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t stayed in school. So take it from me, kids, if working hard in school can help somebody like me—a mixed-race, fascist, gay-loving, baby-killing, socialist, Muslim terrorist from Kenya—get elected president, imaging what studying and working hard can do for you--especially you honky-ass crackers out there!

Now, before I get back to the task of destroying our nation, there’s just one more thing I’d like you to do. GAZE UPON THE HYPNOTIC POWER OF MY EVIL EYE AND REPEAT AFTER ME: OBAMA IS THE ONE TRUE LEADER—

[Transmission Interrupted, presumably through the heroic efforts of Glen Beck (God rest his sanity)]
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