Friday, March 26, 2010

Seven Amazing True Facts About Health Care Reform (According to Wingnuts)

There's a staggering amount of misinformation being spread about our nation's recent health care reform act. So much, in fact, that it's hard for people who haven't been paying attention to understand what's really going on. Fortunately for you, dear readers, I have been closely following the debate, and have decided to uses this installment of Goat Head Gumbo to inform you of some important TRUE FACTS about health care reform (according to wingnuts).

Fact Number 1: It's socialism.
This is blatantly obvious. Marx himself said:
"Once the workers have seized the means of production, it behooves them to turn over a portion of their income, as well as income derived from a tiny tax on the highest-earning 2% of the citizenry, to large and corrupt health insurance corporations, preferably after those same corporations have practically destroyed the health care system."
It loses something when translated from the original German, but the point is still valid.

Fact Number 2: It will raise taxes.
This is also true. The only people who will be exempt from the tax increase to pay for this program are the truly destitute. Namely, the 98% of Americans who make less than a quarter of a million dollars a year. Never before has this country seen such a blatant scheme to redistribute wealth.

Fact Number 3: It provides for government-funded abortions.
Oh, it's worse than that, my friends. Not only does the new health care bill provide government funding for abortions, it REQUIRES that all women of child-bearing age have at least one abortion per year. If any woman covered fails to get pregnant, she will be impregnated by members of a government "rape squad" made up of Charlie Sheen, Snoop Dogg, and Ron Jeremy. In a rare nod to efficiency, these men are currently being trained to perform abortions so that they can carry out the impregnation and baby murder in a single visit.

Fact Number 4: It will set up death panels.
Again, it's worse than just a panel that decides whether you live or die. The bill actually sets up death squads. As we all know, Barack Obama is a black man, which means he spent some time in street gangs, and this is nothing more than an attempt to give his old gang buddies cushy government jobs. These gangstas will form the core of Obama's grandma killing death squads, because there's nothing niggaz enjoy more than popping a cap in Whitey's ass.

Fact Number 5: It provides health care to illegal aliens.
Oh, if only it just provided health care to illegal aliens. The Health Care Reform legislation actually includes a clause that will transport people from Mexico to American hospitals for treatment. Once they've recovered, these Mexicans will be offered employment in the U.S. They also get blowjobs and ice cream.

Fact Number 6: It provides Viagra to sex offenders.
On top of that, it will replace the Sex Offender Registry with a website to assist sexual predators in finding new victims. Also, Chris Hansen will be thrown into a pit and repeatedly gang raped by hyper-intelligent cybernetic gorillas.

Fact Number 7: It will clone Hitler.

This is a section of the bill that Democrats have managed to keep especially quiet. It provides funding to allow scientists to clone Hitler from tissue samples kept in Area 51. Once the clone Hitler is perfected, Obama will gay marry him and they will rule the earth for a thousand years.
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