My Anti-Resume

My current job sucks. I get paid about 2/3 the going rate for either of the jobs I do; the only way to get a raise is to give your two weeks' notice and hope they want you to stay; and a lot of the people I work with are either stupid, incompetent, or suffering from a diagnosable mental condition (at least one is all three). Also, I have absolutely no interest in either my current position or the industry I work in. Needless to say, I've been looking for another job, which means I've been updating my resume, which is something I've never particularly enjoyed.

Earlier today, I read an article that mentioned that Sarah Palin makes up to $100,000 for speaking engagements. Since Sarah Palin is a moron with no grasp on any of the subjects she speaks about, or even basic sentence structure, this seemed a bit steep to me. Then I realized that Palin isn't alone: Paris Hilton is regularly paid large sums of money to "act" in movies; Dan Brown has made a fortune as a "writer"; and Fox News employs dozens of "reporters" with the journalistic integrity of Joseph Goebbels.

This made me realize that if I want to make really big money, I need to convince someone to pay me obscene amounts of money to do something I have no training or talent for. To this end, I've decided that I should write an anti-resume, which will list skills I do not have, highlight my incompetence in certain areas, and generally reveal how truly unemployable I can be if I set my mind to it. That way I, like Palin, Paris, and Steve Doocy, can get paid big bucks for doing something I have no business doing. I'm hoping for a career along the lines of Rock Star or Pirate, but am willing to consider any (un)reasonable offer.