Thursday, September 25, 2014

Harry Potter & Holy Grail

Chances are you've already heard about the Christian re-write of the Harry Potter books, but if you haven't actually read it, you really should. It's got it all. There's Christian persecution fantasies combined with a Michele-Bachman like understanding of history:
"My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."
"But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!" Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!"
"Voldemort doesn't care," Hermione remarked sadly; and she shook her head. "And he is gaining power. The freedom of Christians to practice our faith is disappearing by the day. Soon, it will be like it was in Rome." Lovely, ladylike tears began to roll down her delicate, terrified face. "And I don't like lions!"
Weird Bible interpretations:
"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it," Luna explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that's about it. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!"

Even weirder interpretations of what a Sorting Hat is:
"But you see, here at Hogwarts, we divide ourselves up into Sorting Hats. After breakfast, all the new little ones will choose their Hats. Each of the different Hats have different beliefs; but we all love the Lord!"
Miracles Everywhere:
With the simple faith so often seen in little ones, Harry got down on his knees; and lifted his hands skyward; and shouted prayerfully, "Dear Lord, please open these doors; and allow me to enter my new home!"
(This isn't like a locked door to the Chamber of Secrets or something, just a fucking door. If I were God, I'd be pissed at these non-exactly-wizards praying for me to do everything for them).

And, most importantly, really detailed descriptions of pretty much every male character's chest hair:
On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair.

I'm reasonably sure this is parody. All the talk of chest hair and virility is just a little too creepy to be unintentional, some of the wingnut-isms are almost too dead-on, and the writer's apparent level of familiarity with the books/movies just isn't consistent. For example, I  have trouble believing that someone who doesn't know enough about the books to sort out the distinction between The Sorting Hat and houses would know the Dursley's first names and street or be aware of Luna Lovegood's existence. Whether it's a Poe or the product of a deranged mind, it's pretty funny.

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