Top Five Edited For TV Moments

Laziness, Nick Hornby, and network television are to blame...

5. Ferris Beuller's Day Off
Ferris: I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours.
TV Ferris: I don't even have a piece of tin. I have to envy yours.
Piece of tin? Really? You can't even call it a piece of crap, or a piece of junk, or anything else that a teenager might conceivably actually say?

4. Mallrats
Brodie: She was going down on me and I farted.
TV Brodie: She was kissing me and I vomited.
The edited for TV version of Mallrats is funny for a lot of reasons, but I chose this one because of the "girlfriend in the fridge" aspect. What do I mean by "girlfriend in a fridge?," you ask. Well, there was an issue Green Lantern where our hero's girlfriend was killed and stuffed in a fridge. The Comics Code Authority didn't like the artwork showing her stuffed in the fridge, so the artwork was changed. The approved artwork only showed a few limbs sticking out, giving the impression that she'd been dismembered and stuffed in the fridge, which is a bit more disturbing. Likewise, vomit in the mouth is quite a bit grosser than a close up butt belch.

3. National Lampoon's Vacation
East St. Louis Pimp: Yo man, fuck yo' mama!
TV East St. Louis Pimp: Who do I look like, Christopher Columbo?
This is just great because the actor doing the voiceover has "what the fuck am I saying?" tone. Also, he sounds almost nothing like the actual actor.

2. Die Hard 2
John McClane: Yippie-Ki-Yay, Motherfucker!
TV John McClane: Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mister Falcon!
High placement on the list because we go to Die Hard movies to see Bruce Willis get the shit beat out of him, kick some terrorist ass, and say this line. Also because the voiceover actor sounds absolutely nothing like Bruce. In fact, he sounds kind of like Eddie Murphy's "white guy" voice (this was from back when Eddie Murphy was funny. If you don't remember then, ask your parents).

1. The Big Lebowski
Walter: This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!
TV Walter: This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!
That doesn't even make sense.

Enjoy Every Sandwich

January 24 was officially named St. Zevon's day in the year 5 A.C. by Discordian Pope Kingyak the Fuqit. This declaration was a natural result of the Pope's earlier declaration that Warren Zevon "should probably be a Discordian Saint or some shit," which was made to a poster of Green Arrow one day after the aforementioned pope had downed 23 White Russians "in celebration of having just watched The Big Lebowski." Anyway, to make a long story, St. Zevon's Day became a P.O.E.E.-kindasanctioned holiday in 2008. More details to follow!

What is Discordianism? Why can this Fuquit just grant sainthood/declare a holiday? How did he get to be a Pope anyway? What the hell is the P.O.E.E.?
These questions and many others will be answered on the next episode of Soap. Wait. No. That's not what I meant. These questions and many others can be found in the Principia Discordia, or, How I Found The Goddess, and What I Did To Her When I Found Her (Wherein is Explained Absolutely Everthing Worth Knowing About Absolutely Everything).

Who is this Zevon guy?
Warren Zevon was an American songwriter and musician. He is best known for his songs "Werewolves of London," "Lawyers, Guns, and Money, " and "Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me." Also, he occasionally filled in as band director on David Letterman's show.

Why January 24th?
It was Zevon's birthday. Some religions like to celebrate saints' days on the day the saint was killed by angry wolves or something, but that seems a little morbid, so we're going with a day when Warren might have actually enjoyed himself.

What is Zevon the Saint of?
Misadventure, Sandwiches, and Werewolves

What were St. Zevon's miracles?
Surviving all the shit he did in the 70s, getting The Wind finished before dying (against all doctor's predicitons), writing "Carmelita."

How should St. Zevon's Day be celebrated?
You should listen to some Zevon songs and enjoy a sandwich. If the moon is full, and you happen to be in London, it is also permissible to transform into a big ass wolf and terrorize the locals.

What's the deal with the sandwich?
When Zevon discovered that he had inoperable cancer and only a few months (or so the doctors thought) to live, he went on David Letterman's show to publicly make the announcement. When Dave asked him about the experience, Zevon replied that he had learned he should enjoy every sandwich. This became a motto among Zevon fans, and was later the name of the Zevon tribute album.

The Year In Short, Unhelpful Movie Reviews

In a moment, a collection of very short reviews of the movies I've seen this year. But first, an unrelated aside: On my way into Nashville last night, the transmitter that I use to listen to my MP3 player started getting interference, as often happens in new cities. Rather than try to find a usable frequency, I decided to try my luck with the radio--after all, Nashville should have some decent country stations in addition to the same 5 Clear Channel stations as every city in the nation, right? I occasionally have these moments of naive idealism. Anyway, on the way out of town today, the DJ is discussing the different types of country music--classic country, country rock, pop country, and "island country, which Kenny Chesney pretty much invented."

Really? You think so? There's a guy in Miami named Jimmy who I suspect would disagree. I hit the dial, and briefly had my faith in America restored by some Janis Joplin. Then that act of musical necrophilia that Kid Rock did to Sweet Home Alabama/Werewolves of London came on. I turned the MP3 player back on and returned to my musical bubble. I think I'll stay there. Now, about movies:

Sweeney Todd
Another Burton/Depp collaboration, only this time with musical numbers. The Depp/Burton thing is always good, but is starting to get a little tired.

Cloverfield
Two hours of my life that I'll never get back.

Vantage Point
Nice concept, but the execution left something to be desired. I like having at least a fighting chance of working out the twist for myself.

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Those fucking aliens in another movie? An an Indy one at that? Really?

Iron Man
A friend of mine keeps trying to tell me that Iron Man was in some way not awesome. I realize that this is a matter of opinion, but she's wrong.

Hellboy II
There were a couple of things I didn't like about this one, but they were vastly outnumbered by cool monster butt-kickin'.

Journey To The Center of the Earth
Maybe not great film-making, but fun.

Hancock
I'm pretty sure the people who were disappointed by this movie were expecting too much. It's a Will Smith Fourth of July movie, people--enjoy the wisecracks and explosions, but don't expect a lot of depth.

Wanted
Cool stunts, but overall I can't decide if the premise of this one is stupid in a wonderful and entertaining way or just stupid.

The Dark Knight
Classic Frank Miller style Bats, Joker, and Two-Face, Gordon the way he's supposed to be done, and all without the necessity of involving Frank who, let's face it, has lost his God damned mind.

Step Brothers
As funny as Ferrell and Reilly are, I think I think Richard Jenkins might have outdone them.

Wall-E
It's a cute kids' story about a robot. It is neither groundbreaking film making nor biting social commentary. Accept it for what it is and move on, please.

Pineapple Express
Funny shit.

Swing Vote
You had me right up to the end, then you lost me.

Death Race
It's really hard to fuck up a movie involving Jason Statham and cars. As for ways of improving the formula, you could do worse than adding Al Swearengen and a killer Mustang.

House Bunny
Anna Farris is better than this.

Eagle Eye
Yeah, that's kinda what I figured. In other news, who is this LaBouf kid and why is he in every third movie coming out?

Baghead
I wanted to like this movie, but just ended up feeling kind of ambivalent.

Vicky Christina Barcelona
Yep, still don't get the appeal of Woody Allen.

Bottle Shock
Alan Rickman being snooty and British is always a good thing. Throw in Eliza Dushku (even if, as usual, she is criminally underused) and you got my eight bucks.

Lakeview Terrace
The Samuel L. Jackson movie equivalent of tofu. Filling but flavorless.

The Rocker
Worth it for the Will Arnett scenes alone, but the rest of it's actually funny, too. Also, they realize the true secret of making a good rock & roll movie--namely, make sure it's got Howard Hessman in it somewhere.

Burn After Reading
Quirky, funny, and occasionally ridicuous, but in that nice Coen brothers kind of way. As you know if you've seen the trailer, Brad Pitt was probably in his best form since Snatch.

Disaster Movie
Yeah, there's not much to do in this town, and sometimes you end up watching Disaster Movie. And yes, it's another shitty BLANK Movie. The death metal chipmunks were kinda cool, and Juno's overly clever dialog was actually well done for a scene or two.

Tropic Thunder
Stiller usually annoys me if he's a lead rather than part of the cast. Jack Black sometimes gets on my nerves. I went to see this for Robert Downey Jr. The fact that the rest of the cast did a great job was just a bonus. And holy shit, that was Tom Cruise!

My Best Friends Girl
I don't remember this one, but (according to my pile o' ticket stubs) I apparently saw it. I think maybe it had the piefucker in it. I can only assume there was nothing better to do that day.

Righteous Kill
De Niro and Paccino act at one another for two hours. This really can't go badly.

Hamlet 2
This movie had kind of a Napolean Dynamite vibe, only funny.

Considering Democracy
A documentary in which the film maker interviews people in other countries about America. Occasionally amusing and sometimes just depressing.

W
Much more symapthetic than you might expect.

Sex Drive
Funny if not particularly fresh and exciting. Plus it's got Seth Green as an Amish dude, and that's just cool.

Max Payne
Entertaining but forgettable.

Religulous
Very funny unless you're defensively religious or don't like Bill Mahr, in which case you're probably not going to see it anyway.

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist
I'm just not cool enough for this movie, and I feel pretty good about that.

Transiberian
Nice, well-acted thriller.

The Fisher King
Yeah, not a new movie, but one of my favorites, so if it's on the big screen I'm watching it. It continues to be on of my favorite Gilliam flicks, and Gilliam is one of my favorite directors. You do the math.

Quarantine
Finally, a movie in the Blair Witch/Cloverfield style that actually kinda works. Not great, but not actively disappointing, which is a first for the genre.

Zack And Miri Make a Porno
Kevin Smith and Seth Rogan working together should probably be funnier than this, but this is still pretty damned funny (though I could have done without the Jay cock). Also, it's nice to see Elizabeth Banks in every third movie coming out. She's a lot cuter than that LaBouf kid.

Saw V
I didn't see the 3rd and 4th Saw movies, and apparently actually did miss some plot points along the way. This does not make me feel any obligation to go back and watch what I've missed.

Role Models
This movie was even funnier than I expected, and I expected it to be pretty damned funny.

Sould Men
Nice to see The Blues Brothers formula put to good use.

Quantum of Solace
I still haven't seen Casino Royale, so this was my first experience with the bold new gadgetless era of Bond. I enjoyed the movie, but am still not sure how I feel about 007 flicks without Q branch.

Apaloosa
Ed Harris and Aragorn come to town and shooot some people while the extremely untalented Renee Zellwegger eats up valuable screen time.

RocknRolla
Guy Ritchie movie about slightly higher-rent London gangsters, but still a Guy Ritchie movie about London gangsters. Not as good as Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, but still fun.

Bolt
Amusing.

Punisher: War Zone
It's hard to be diappointed when you don't expect much. I wasn't disappointed.

Cadillac Records
I kind of felt like I'd seen this movie before, but that was ok given the great acting (and great music). Mos Def as Chuck Berry was as great as you might suspect it would be.

Christmas On Mars
I'm not sure why The Flaming Lips needed an excuse to make weird freaky space music, but aparently this movie gave it to them. I'm not entirely sure if this movie was good or bad, but it was definitely weird.

Seven Pounds
Well made, but don't expect any surprises. What's happening is just what you think is happening.

The Spirit
There is a line that separates the entertainingly misguided from the blindingly stupid. The Spirit walks this line. See also earlier comment about how Frank Miller has lost his God damned mind.

STRAIGHT-TO-VIDEO BONUS ROUND:

Lost Boys II: The Tribe
This wasn't the train wreck I was afraid it would be, but I'm still not sure that means it should have been made. Feldman's Seth Gecko tats were a nice touch, though.

Zombie Strippers
Strippers, zombies, and over-the-top Robert Englund. In Kentucky we have a word for that kind of thing: Trifecta.

I Stole This Idea From Cullen Bunn

And there's not a DAMNED (see what I did there?) thing he can do about it.

In my 36 years I have...

• Been nearly buried alive in a rockslide.
• Won a Commodore 64 in an essay contest. That's computing power, baby!
• Become an Eagle Scout.
• Taught Archery.
• Been a concert T-Shirt salesman.
• Driven to a city 200 miles away because I was bored and had never been there.
• Met Glen Danzig---at a science fiction convention (I also met The Iron Shiek there).
• Helped create an award-winning mock flyer.
• Co-created an entire web site for a completely ficticious rock band.
• Become a Discordian Pope (not really much of an accomplishment, since everyone is a Discordian Pope, but most people don't know it so I think it should count).
• Seen George Carlin perform live.
• Established beyond a shadow of a doubt that I should never be alowed to drink Rumplemintz.
• Seen Johnny Cash perform live.
• Seen a 3-D porno on the big screen, which is not nearly as cool as you might think.
• Watched "Dancin' Outlaw" so many times I've probably got it memorized.
• Lived with a stripper.
• Graduated from Transylvania University with a degree in Fucking Useless.
• Had a beer with Larry Elmore.
• Managed a comic book store.
• Driven a cab.
• Gotten drunk with some of the guys from Ghoultown.
• Created a Role-Playing game (actually more than one, but only QAGS was ever published).
• Written the first book where Robert Kirkman's work was ever published. Of course, we published his artwork, not his writing. Keen business decisions like this are why Kirkman's the golden boy of comics and we're languishing in obscurity.
• Co-Founded a game company that's survived tax troubles, having thousands of dollars stolen from it by a a jackass, and the virtual collapse of the industry.
• Written, co-written, or contributed writing to a bunch of game books (but I hope to one day move into something respectable--like porn or comics). Edited, done layout, drawn maps, and otherwise contributed to even more.
• Partied with Dr. Demento--on multiple occasions.
• Wandered around Pulaski County, Kentucky doing a photoshoot of people with lots of guns...on the same day the Sheriff was assassinated. I suspect we were the subject of lots of good gossip in the following weeks.
• Taken a road trip to Vegas.
• Gotten a Nebula-Award Winning author drunk (and, we think, laid).
• Stood on the corner in Winslow Arizona.
• Interviewed Dr. Demento, Shannon "Too Much Coffee Man" Wheeler, the guy who writes Deep Fried, and probably some other people I'm not thinking of right now.
• Given Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed a ride from the movies to their hotel--without realizing who they were until they were walking into the hotel.
• Beaten Steve Jackson at his own game (live action TOON).
• Shaken hands with Bruce Campbell.
• Received (on behalf of Hex Games) a Certificate of Achievement by a drunken man in a kilt during a very solemn ceremony that took place in a hotel bathroom at 2 in the morning.
• Participated in (and, in fact, helped create) bogus mystical rituals.
• Had an article I wrote linked from Penny Arcade, which meant it got like a zillion hits.
• Signed autographs--that's always kinda weird.
• Been Gaming Guest of Honor at two sci-fi conventions.
• Somehow accquired the nickname "Chainsaw."
• Carpooled with a hitman who, as it turns out, had done a hit on the family of a girl I went to college with (to my credit, I didn't know this at the time).
• Probably been an acessory to more crimes than I want to think about.
• Hung out backstage with members of Jackson Browne's band.
• Been rumored on the internet to have received a Cease and Desist Order from 20th Century Fox and/or Mutant Enemy Productions (or at least a nasty letter from Joss Whedon). These rumors are false.
• Actually received a C & D from the Game Manufacturer's Assocation, which isn't nearly as cool.
• Written a complete RPG in 24 hours.
• Created a Discordian Holiday (St Zevon's Day, January 24, when people are encouraged to listen to Warren Zevon, enjoy a sandwich, and (mooon phase permitting) turn into a werewolf and terrorize London).
• Had a couple of photoshop pieces published on Cracked.com.
• Moved back to the place I hated growing up and gotten a day job. Hopefully life will get interesting again someday...

Appetite For Illusions

It's been a long time since I've written here--the whole "grown-up job" thing is slowly killing me (or at least leeching my creative energy). But it's been even longer since Guns N' Roses released an album. Ignoring The Spaghetti Incident? (which was all covers and mostly sucktacular--though not quite as bad as most people claim), the last time we've heard from G N' R (other than that awful song from the Aaaanold vs. Satan movie) was in 1991, when they released both Use Your Illusion albums on the same day. Just to give you an idea of how long ago that was, here are some fun facts about what was (or in some cases, wasn't) going on in the world as I stood in the cold at Midnight to get my hands on these two tapes (yeah, that's right, tapes--the albums also released on CD, but they were still kind of a new thing):

• I had been a freshman in college for less than a month.
• The first George Bush was President, and the first Gulf War had only been over for a few months.
  
• It would still be three more years before Rick Rubin would revive Johnny Cash's career with the first installment of the American Recordings series.
  
• O.J. hadn't killed anyone yet.
• The Big Lebowski was still 7 years away.
  
• The Chicago Bulls had just won their FIRST NBA championship.
  
• The interwebs didn't really exist yet. No Facebook, no MySpace, no Wikipedia, no blogs, no Strongbad, no porn. Just a handful of BBSes that only a few hardcore nerds even knew about.
  
• The term "former Soviet Union" was just coming into the collective vocabulary.
• Freddie Mercury was still alive.
  
• Hex Games (now celebrating 10 years of QAGS--buy your copy today at www.hexgames.com) wouldn't be founded for another 6 years. In fact, I hadn't even met co-founders Leighton Connor and Dale French yet. I hadn't learned the fine art of the cheap plug yet, either.
  

Ok, so it was a long damn time ago. Chinese Democracy was first announced in something like 1994, but then the band imploded, Axl lost his mind and had his face replaced with a Guy Fawkes mask, and other bad things happened. Eventually "Guns N' Roses" became "Axl Rose and some other people who aren't really Guns N' Roses," but at least that's closer to being the actual band than "Black Sabbbath featuring Tommy Iomi." Anyway, eventually the band actually released a song on some new Guitar Hero thing and Axl said that the album would soon be released. Nobody believed it, including Dr. Pepper, who offered a free Dr. Pepper to everyone in the U.S. if Chinese Democracy came out before the end of the year.

Dr. Pepper is a powerful motivator (especially Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, which I'm reasonably sure contains crack cocaine), and in order to collect their share of the syrupy goodness, Axl and the boys (whoever that was at the moment) finished the album and announced it would release on November 23 at Best Buy (and only at Best Buy, but I think you can all guess my problems with that). I'm sure you can also buy the album online, but this is a case where I for one need the real thing. I'm fine with just a digital copy of the newest Kid Rock or whatever, but when it comes to serious music (or at least something as long-awaited as this), I want liner notes and album art and all that good stuff. So I dug out my portable CD player, picked up the CD at Best Buy, and hit the interstate, fully intending to (as Jon Bon Jovi might say) have my face rocked.

I had heard from a few sources that this album was supposed to be classic G N' R, and the first few tracks were promising, if not quite up to the Appetite for Destruction level of dirty rock goodness. After that, the album veers into Use Your Illusion territory and pretty much stays there. This is clearly the Axl rose show--not that there's anything wrong with that. Once you accept the idea that Chinese Democracy isn't going to kick your ass with anything approaching Welcome to the Jungle or My Michelle, it works pretty well as Use Your Illusion III--overproduced but very listenable. It's not the new Guns N' Roses album you really want, but when you think about it, Chinese Democracy is the new Guns N' Roses album that you probably should have expected.

As for the free Dr. Pepper, the company tried to make good on the offer, but the sheer number of responses crashed their site. They've extended the offer and supposedly increased their bandwidth, but so far I haven't been able to make it through. As you might expect, there are already several net forums where people are bitching and whining about how Dr. Pepper "scammed" everyone by not beefing up their website beforehand. I'm not sure how failure to anticipate participation in an offer for free product counts as a scam, but I guess idiots like that are the price we pay for porn and Strongbad.