Sunday, August 30, 2009

Glen Beck's New System (of cRazEe)

As many of you know, Glen Beck has spent the last year or so pioneering a new form of right-wing punditry that borders on performance art. In a recent piece, Beck "proved" that Barack Obama is an oligarch (or rather "oligarh")using a new form of problem solving that mixes cryptography with insanity and perhaps a bit of mysticism. The video below shows how Beck's new pseudo-logic works.

The obvious question, of course, is "What else can we prove using the Beck system?" As you may have already guessed, I've come up with a few things.

We'll start with former Vice President Dick Cheney:
  • former secretary of Defense.
  • voted Against making Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday a national holiday while a congressman.
  • served as Republican Minority Whip.
  • key player in the war on Terrorism.
  • close ties to Haliburton.
  • two terms as Vice President.
  • worked with American Enterprise Institute.
  • important figure in Operation Desert Storm.
  • held secret meetings with Energy companies.
  • was played by Richard Dreyfuss in the movie W.

So, Dick Cheney is Darth Vader. No real surprises here. Jon Stewart called that one a long time ago.

I wonder if this system works for people outside of politics. Let's try Michael Bay:
  • directed the Bad Boys movies.
  • born in Los Angeles.
  • directed the video for Meat Loaf's song "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are."
  • also directed a video by Wilson Phillips.
  • received the ShoWest 2009 Vanguard Award.
  • worked with Shia LeBouf.
  • produced The Horsemen.
  • directed The Island.
  • made buckets of money with Transformers.
  • acted in Coyote Ugly.
  • responsible for Pearl Harbor.

Michael Bay Blows Shit Up. Seems to work.

Now, last but not least, let's see what this system has to say about Mr. Beck.
  • used to work for CNN
  • lived in Utah for a while.
  • wrote The Christmas Sweater.
  • Screams and cries on the air sometimes.

Damn, this system is good.