Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Food Stamp Conversions

As a result of some comments Newt Gingrich made regarding food stamps, it's come to light that more white people than black people receive food stamps. About 42% of food stamp recipients are white, compared to only 28% who are African American. This of course presents a small problem with the "welfare Cadillac" meme, but "the 53%" needn't worry. With just a few minor changes, they can use the same tired old arguments to talk about how lazy whit people are taking their tax money. The following conversion list should prove helpful:
  • Cadillac = Pick-up Truck
  • Rims = Mud Tires
  • Cell Phone = Hunting Rifle
  • Big Screen TV = Bass Boat
  • Gold Teeth = Confederate Flag Tattoos
  • Tommy Hilfiger = Official NASCAR
  • Junk Food = Replace references to specific types with "pork rinds" and "Moon Pies"
  • Soda = Specify "RC Cola"
  • Crack = Meth
  • Oprah = Hee Haw

Monday, February 6, 2012

Other Laws Oklahoma Should Pass

In November of 2010, the Oklahoma legislature approved an amendment that would make it illegal for courts to consider Sharia law when deciding cases. More recently, legislation has been introduced to make it illegal to sell food products made out of aborted fetuses. I, for one, am glad to hear that Oklahoma is boldly taking the initiative to ensure that there are laws in place to prevent things that have absolutely no chance of ever happening. However, there are still so many imaginary threats that Oklahoma lawmakers have yet to address that I fear they may be overwhelmed when it comes to deciding what the next battle should be. That’s why I’ve put together the following list of what, in my opinion, are the most pressing completely made up dangers facing Oklahoma and society as a whole. I hope that Oklahoma legislators will make it a priority to address as many of these issues as possible in the immediate future.
  1. Werewolves and vampires are two completely different mythological species, and should not be allowed to intermarry.
  2. People with no formal training in the Dark Arts should not be permitted to perform rituals or read from ancient blasphemous tomes, as this inevitably leads to an outbreak of uncontrolled demonic activity. A regulatory system providing for formal licensing and accreditation in the Black Arts is highly recommended.
  3. Anyone who captures a leprechaun is entitled to a pot of gold. Any leprechaun who gives a person “fairy gold” that turns into something with no value after a period of time should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
  4. Mental institutions, especially those subject to frequent escapes, should stop providing hooks to patients who have lost their hands. It only leads to tragedy.
  5. “Loose Cannon” police detectives should be forced to turn in their gun and badge as soon as they are assigned to a case. Anecdotal evidence suggests that this improves officer efficiency and success rate by over 1000%.
  6. Popular high school students will no longer be allowed to make wagers regarding the captain of the football team’s ability to turn the quiet, introverted girl with glasses into prom queen.
  7. Aliens may not perform anal probes without express written consent of the person to be probed. If the probee is under the age of 18, consent must be provided by a parent or legal guardian.
  8. Jenkem should be treated as a Schedule II controlled substance.
  9. Referring to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named by name should be classified an act of treason against the wizarding world.
  10. Debates about the Romantic poets at NASCAR events should be strictly prohibited.