Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The War On [Insert Holiday Here]

As anyone who watches Fox News (or--more likely if you're reading this--The Daily Show's coverage of Fox News) knows, a WAR ON CHRISTMAS has been raging for the past several years. This all-out attack on Christian values mainly involves acknowledging that not every single person is a Christian, but if you've got more than five friends on Facebook, you probably know that there's another more sinister battle going on: the Godless Heathens (TM) are abbreviating the word "Christmas" as "Xmas." I don't think I have to tell you that there are few things more offensive than replacing the word "Christ" with the English transliteration of the Greek letter "Chi" (which, incidentally, has been used by Christians to represent Christ for hundreds of years).

I think it's awfully unfair that only Christians get to play the part of victim in a made-up war against their beliefs. Call me a cultural relativist, but I think people of other faiths should also be allowed to get their persecution complex on. So far, it looks like only the Jews have joined in on the fun:



The Liberal Elitist (TM) in me can't help but think that the non-Abrahamic faiths should also be represented. So I decided to help.



I should probably explain that last one. I thought the holiday was something like "Grumenthar's Ascension" and was going to do a "Keep the Groo in Grumenthar's Ascension" pic featuring the Groosalug. Turns out I got the name wrong, but a "Gurn" is basically a funny face, which inevitably leads to the Angel Dance. I suspect there are probably stills from the scene in which Boreanaz's expression is more properly a by-the-book gurn, but unfortunately Google Images didn't turn up too many stills from the scene. So you might want to pretend that Angel looks slightly goofier to get the full effect.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's Social Justice Superman!

From the October 2011 issue of Bazooka Magazine:

Earlier this year DC Comics, facing flagging sales, announced that it would reboot its entire line of comics. The new books were supposed to provide a chance for writers to re-imagine some of the classic characters and give new readers a jumping-on point that wasn’t bogged down in decades of continuity. The new books released in September to a mixture of guarded optimism, legitimate anger and disgust (Google should turn up plenty of blog posts about former Teen Titan Starfire’s revamp as an amnesiac sex doll), and of course lots of nerd rage.

Before the books came out, Superman’s new costumes got some attention from comic geeks as well as the mainstream press. In Action Comics, which is set during Superman’s early career, he’s wearing jeans, work boots, and a T-shirt bearing the classic “S” symbol. In Superman, set during the new DC Universe’s “present” (about 5 years after most of the characters started their super-hero careers), the costume is similar to the classic Supes uniform, but conspicuously missing its usual red underwear. When Action Comics #1 first came out, it received a bit of media attention when a comic shop in South Carolina pulled it because in one panel Superman said “GD,” (not “God Damn,” just “GD”) which Billy Bubba Joe Bob took to be blasphemy. So far, though, there hasn’t been a lot of talk about what is in my opinion the most interesting and awesome aspect of the new Superman comics: the fact that he’s being written as a filthy Liberal Socialist Progressive class warrior.

For the roughly 20 years that I’ve been reading comics, Superman has always seemed at best naive and hokey, and at worst kind of a Fascist. Frank Miller probably deserves some of the blame for the latter, but over the years numerous comic creators have used The Man of Steel whenever they’ve needed someone to represent the dangers of unchecked power or unquestioning faith in traditional authority figures. In some stories, Superman was a tool of “The Man.” In others, he was “The Man.”

Grant Morrison’s Action Comics #1 offers a different take on The Man of Steel. The book opens with Superman involved in a stand-off with the cops as he dangles a businessman named Glenmorgan off a balcony in an attempt to scare Glenmorgan into confessing his crimes. Supes eventually drops the tycoon, only to catch him before he hits the ground. Scared sufficiently shitless by the experience, Glenmorgan finally makes his confession.

What are Glenmorgan’s crimes? Did he build a doomsday device? Try to blow up the moon? Conduct horrible experiments in an attempt to create an army of superhuman foot soldiers? Not exactly. “I’m guilty!” confesses Glenmorgan, “What do you want me to say?...I used illegal cheap labor...No safety standards...I bribed city officials...I lied...I lied...to everyone...” In other words, pretty much the same things that CEOs do every day in America.

After Supes deals with Glenmorgan and warns the crowd, “You know the deal, Metropolis. Treat people right or expect to hear from me,” we cut to Lex Luthor, who’s been paid a considerable consulting fee to help General Lane and the U.S. Army capture Superman. In order to lure Superman into his trap, Luthor has begun demolition on a building where squatters are known to be living. Superman manages to get everyone out, but it looks like he’s going to be captured until the homeless people hes’ just saved step in front of the tanks coming to capture him. Since the murder of U.S. citizens by the military would be a public relations nightmare (at least in the comic books), Superman is able to make his escape.

After he’s done championing the weak, Superman returns to his Clark Kent identity, where we find him living in a slummy “bohemian” apartment building. During a conversation with his landlady, he tells her that the scrapes on his face (apparently Earth’s yellow sun hasn’t made him completely invulnerable yet) are the result of a beatdown he received for his story about intergang’s influence on the dock unions. Most previous incarnations of Clark Kent have mainly done the Peter Parker thing, using stories about his super-hero alter-ego to make a living (and occasionally trying to pin illegal activities on members of his rogues’ gallery). This one’s working for justice even when he’s not wearing the blue long johns. During the conversation, we also hear about how Superman recently threw a wife-beater into the river, breaking both his hips and three of his ribs. The rest of the comic covers the second attempt by Luthor and Lane (now joined by Glenmorgan) to capture Supes.

As much as I loved Grant Morrison’s take on Superman in Action Comics, I took it for granted that by the time we got to DC’s other title, Goerge Perez’s Superman, which is set 5 years in the future, I’d find out that Clark had “sold out” and become the boring old Kal-El I’ve been ambivalent at best about since I picked up my first comic book. Turns out, I was wrong. The first issue of Superman finds Clark miffed about the fact that The Daily Planet has been acquired by Superman detractor Morgan Edge, Glenmorgan’s successor and a direct stand-in for Rupert Murdock (right down to the wiretapping). Towards the end of book we also hear that Clark has been working on a story about illegal evictions. I don’t think Perez will focus on the social justice angle as much as Morrison, but it’s good to see that he’s at least acknowledging it.

While I get the impression that Morrison has wanted to re-imagine Superman as a crusader for social justice for a while, the current political climate may make this the perfect time for a bold, new vision of The Man of Steel. A Superman concerned with the same issues that are ripping this country apart might actually make the character relevant again. When you think about it, Superman is one of the few DC heroes who makes sense as a representative of “the common man.” Wonder Woman and Aquaman are royalty, many super-heroes are independently wealthy or have secure upper middle class jobs, and Batman, with his focus on street crime, is essentially a rich guy who puts on a bat costume and beats up poor people. Clark Kent, despite his alien birthright and arsenal of powers, is a Midwestern farm boy who has to bust his ass to make a living as a reporter in the dying print news industry.

I have yet to hear about Bill O’Reilly or Glenn Beck going on a tirade about the new Superman’s “un-American” activities, but I suspect that says more about the position of comics on the cultural radar than the restraint of right-wing pundits. No doubt somebody will eventually complain about how Morrison subverted the character in order to put forth his Liberal Agenda (TM). Here’s the thing, though: Morrison’s vision of Superman is actually strongly rooted in the character’s origins. Superman was created by a couple of poor Jewish guys during The Great Depression and social justice, especially against those who preyed upon the poor and the weak, was a common theme in the early days of the comic. Keep in mind that one of Superman’s greatest and most enduring villains is Lex Luthor, who when you take away the super-science is just another corrupt businessman.

When World War II came, Superman, like many heroes, went to war against the Nazis, and ever since then the character has steadily evolved to face the nation’s fears (at least metaphorically), be it street crime or nuclear annihilation. Perhaps his most recent incarnation as the ultimate symbol of the status quo says more about America than it does about the abilities of DC’s writing staff. Before he became a good little conformist, though, Superman was a champion of working class Americans. I for one am glad to have him back on our side.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Oakland Police Steal Protester's McRib!

First off, I should probably ease your mind a bit: The Oakland police didn't really steal anyone's heat-lamped chunk of slightly-higher-than-dogfood quality pork. That would unforgivable.

What the Oakland police did (aside from befriending adorable kitty-cats) was fire tear gas, flash bang grenades, and rubber bullets at peaceful protesters. During the fray, one filthy hippie--a former Marine named Scott Olsen, who had served two tours of duty in Iraq--was hit in the head with one of these weapons, suffering a fractured skull and brain swelling. He is currently in the hospital in fair condition. Blogger Aaron Bady was there when the fun started, so check out his blog if you'd like to see some pictures of the crazed, out-of-control behavior that set off the confrontation.



Also in McRib-related news, a scientist hired by the Koch brothers has conceded that global warming does, in fact, exist. Of course, you probably already heard that given that the story has received a total of nearly 30 seconds of coverage on cable news. Seriously, how many times can they keep repeating the same story like that.

Anyway, keep in mind that the McRib will only be around for a limited time.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Drugs, Math, and SCIENCE!

From the September issue of Bazooka Magazine:

Since it’s a well-documented anecdotal fact that most welfare recipients are drug dealers who abuse the system so they can buy gold teeth and new rims without having to get a real job, it’s fairly common to hear people (and by “people,” I mean “morons”) suggesting that we could save a lot of tax money if we’d just ignore that pesky Fourth Amendment and drug test people who receive government assistance. If the test comes back positive, we can save money by cutting them off and letting their kids starve. That’ll learn ‘em!


Not surprisingly, Florida--consistent winner of the “State Our Nation Is Most Embarrassed By” award--had instituted just such a policy. The drug testing started earlier this year and the state predicts that the program will cost around $178 million annually. The result? A whopping 2% of the tests have been positive and another 2% didn’t complete the application process “for unspecified reasons” (no doubt they got trapped under a mountain of gold chains and car stereo equipment). According to the Tampa Tribune’s Jenée Desmond-Harris, the state will save somewhere in the neighborhood of $40,800-$60,000 per year on rejected applicants.

Keep in mind that drug testing only shows whether someone has taken drugs in some specified period of time (which varies depending on the drug being tested for). It does not differentiate between someone who took drugs once (possibly weeks before they found themselves in need of government assistance) and habitual users. It also doesn’t reveal whether the person being tested uses alcohol, so those who abuse alcohol (and in all likelihood those who abuse legal drugs that have been prescribed to them by a doctor) will get a pass. Furthermore, testing doesn’t guarantee that a single drug dealer is caught (especially if he follows NWA’s advice that dealers should abstain from the drug in which they trade).

Another problem with drug tests is the fact that they aren’t 100% accurate. According to Dr. Dwight Smith of the Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Black Hills, South Dakota, 5%-10% of positive drug test results are false positives (positive results even though the test subject has not taken any drugs). The rate of false negatives (negative results when the person being tested has taken drugs) is even higher, at 10%-15%. And those are averages. Tests for specific drugs tend to be more accurate, while those that attempt to test for a broad spectrum of drugs (like the ones Florida is administering) are generally less accurate.

If all the percentages and numbers make it hard to get a clear picture of exactly how pointless Florida’s drug testing program is, you’re in luck, because I have a tortured analogy! Let’s say that I’ve just invented a new electric border fence that periodically scans for people trying to cross it. Even better, it can use cutting edge SCIENCE! to determine whether the person trying to cross it is an illegal immigrant. If so, the fence emits a deadly electric shock. Of course, it does have a few bugs. Here are its performance specs:
  • In an average day, the fence scans roughly 2,000 times.
  • Of those 2,000 scans, 1720 of them happen when there is nobody trying to cross the fence (at a cost of about $30 a pop).
  • 240 times a day there will be illegals crossing the fence, but the scanners will somehow fail to pick them up.
  • Each day, 40 illegal immigrants will see the fence and decide to stay in Mexico.
  • 37 times a day, the scanners will electrocute an illegal immigrant who is trying to TAKE OUR JOBS!
  • Three times a day, the illegal alien detection technology fails and and electrocutes American citizen (probably an adorable child) standing near the fence.
So, at the end of the day, my awesome border fence costs $60,000 to operate, allows 240 illegal immigrants to cross the border unmolested, scares away 40 potential border crossers, fries 37 people with hopes of a better life, and kills 3 innocent children. I’m looking for investors so I can get a prototype ready to sell to Florida. Who wants in?

Update: Since writing this article, I've discovered that one of the companies doing the drug testing in Florida, Solantic, was co-founded by...wait for it...Florida Governor Rick Scott. His holdings in the company were transferred to his wife shortly before he took office. So there's absolutely no conflict of interest here or anything like that.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

One More And I'll Shut Up About Comics (for a while)

I’m not sure if DC saved the best for last or if everything just looks better compared to last week’s releases, but I think this week’s releases had the best overall quality so far. Nothing managed to beat out Action Comics for my favorite book of the reboot, but there’s some good stuff here (of course there’s some bad and unremarkable stuff, too).

All-Star Western
I heard good things about Gray and Palmiotti’s recent Johnah Hex series, but never got around to reading it. My understanding is that All-Star Western is basically the same book under a new title, and it looks great. The first story teams Hex up with a 19th Century Dr. Arkham as they try to solve a series of Ripper-style murders in Gotham. The issue’s a little “ancestor cameo”-heavy, but that’s really my only complaint. Hex is written like Hex should be written, Dr. Arkham’s running psychoanalysis of him is entertaining, and the art’s great. It’s pretty stylized, but I love the way the artist brings things into focus by giving more detail to and using a more varied color pallet on the things that are important to the scene. I think I’ll keep reading this one. One question for the peanut gallery: Is the woman in the cloak and cowl in the bar scene (kind of center-right in the background, behind the guy in the red vest) a cameo I’m not getting?

Batman: The Dark Knight
This is in the same category as all the other Bat books in the reboot: solid, but not spectacular. At least story-wise. I’ve got kind of a love/hate thing with the art. The costumed Batman and the cityscapes and other set pieces look great, but most of the actual people suffer from a bad case of what I can only describe as “Liefeld face.” And don’t even get me started on Hulk Two-Face.

Aquaman
Here’s something I never thought I’d say: I really enjoyed the new Aquaman comic. If the first issue is a good indication of where the series is going, it might even become a regular book for me. The thing that makes it work for me is the idea that people of the DCU feel pretty much the same about Aquaman as the DC fans do: that he’s a really lame super-hero who talks to fish. Acknowledging that Aquaman basically sucks right from the beginning might actually allow Johns to write an Aquaman book whose plot isn’t constantly undercut by the fact that it’s about Aquaman.

The Flash
Nothing groundbreaking here, but there’s super science right from the get-go, a good story hook, and I like the art. Buccellato does a great job of conveying a sense of movement, which is pretty important in a comic about the fastest man alive. I know that sounds obvious, but Flash artists and editors don’t always figure that out. I recommend giving this one a shot.

I, Vampire
If you love vampire cliches, this is the book for you! “Unimaginative” seems too generous and “uninspired” suggests a potentiality that does not exist here. So I’m going to go with “awful.” Not “Starfire is a sex doll” awful, just “this is not even remotely a good comic” awful.

Justice League Dark
The “occult JLA” concept could fall into a serious pile of suck very easily, and Peter Milligan is one of the few writers still working for DC that I’d trust to keep that from happening. After a couple of pages of uncertainty, Milligan won me over with three panels. The final (and my favorite of the three): “The local power station threatens to explode when it is imbued with consciousness...and gets bored.” YES! That’s some Doom Patrol level shit there! I was a little worried about John Constantine as a character in a mainstream DCU comic, but his introductory monologue (“He wanted to contact his dead wife. I wanted to pay my rent.”) put those fears...well, if not “at rest,” at least “into a state of sleepiness.” I feel good about this one as long as Milligan’s on board.

Superman
First off, what the hell is wrong with Supes on the cover? His arms and legs look hideously deformed. I’m curious whether the artist used an action figure for a model, because the limbs seem to have that sort of weird toy articulation to them. Once you get inside the book, the art is much better, at least when you can see it. For a comic book artist, George Perez is a very wordy writer. When combined with a few too many panels on some pages, this makes the comic seem a little crowded at times. Aside from the verbiage and clutter, though, it’s not a bad story. I’m especially glad that Perez didn’t immediately throw out everything I loved about the Action Comics reboot version of Supes.

Teen Titans
Ok, I like the fact that the comic starts out by acknowledging that super-powered teenagers would probably be a giant pain in the ass, and that they do it through Kid Flash, who would no doubt be the biggest pain in the ass of the bunch. The rest of the book really just establishes Red Robin as being very Batman-like and introduced Wonder Girl. Nothing wrong with it, and there’s an occasional hint of a Young Justice vibe, so I’ll at least give it until the whole team’s introduced before making a definite decision.