Open Letters To The Universe

From the August issue of Bazooka Magazine

There’s a lot of stupid shit going on lately, but I’ve been too busy (or maybe just too lazy) to cover it all in depth here. Instead, I’m going to use a contrived “open letters to people I don’t know” format that will allow me to hit the highlights while simultaneously annoying the Update Update guys. So everybody wins.

Dear Sarah Palin,
Did you really release a book called Undefeated? Seriously? That’s like Paris Hilton releasing a book called Unfucked. In both cases, the interwebs are full of evidence to the contrary.

Dear David Williams,
If you regularly report thousands of dollars in gambling losses on your tax returns, you can’t be against expanding gambling in the state of Kentucky. Our state could really use the jobs, tax revenues, and other economic benefits from gambling money that Kentuckians like you are giving to neighboring states.

Dear Bush Tax Cut Supporters,
Trickle down theory used to be confined to the fringes of the Republican party--even George H.W. Bush called it “voodoo economics”--but today even the allegedly but not really Liberal Obama administration pays lip service to the idea that giving tax cuts to the rich will create jobs. Let’s ignore the 30+ years of evidence that this simply isn’t true and think about it from the perspective of a business owner: Say you run a business making Gadsden flags.Your company is fully staffed with salespeople, office workers, janitors, and enough people on the production floor to turn out 1500 flags a month. Your biggest sales month is April (when all the tea partiers are gearing up for their tax day protests), when you sell about 1400 flags. The rest of the year, you average around 1000 flags a month. If the government gives you a tax cut, are you going to use that money to hire an employee you don’t need? Exactly. If we want the economy to improve, we need to put money into the hands of the morons who buy Gadsden flags, not inflate the bank accounts of the people who outsourced their jobs to China in the first place.

Dear Nancy Grace,
I hear there’s a dead white girl at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Why don’t you go check that out?

Dear Hollywood,
Please make a buddy cop movie starring John Turturro and Alan Tudyk. Don’t let Michael Bay have anything to do with it. While you’re at it, stop letting Michael Bay make movies. Thank you.

Dear Michelle Bachmann,
Your husband is gayer than George Takei dancing on a rainbow in assless chaps. It’s probably best for both of you to acknowledge this now. Not only will it allow you to avoid the inevitable airport bathroom revelation, it will hopefully convince him to stop using federal money to torture openly gay people with his “pray the gay away” program. Maybe then he could start a faith-based initiative that would really benefit the country. I recommend a “Pray Michael Bay Away” program.