Rapper Kanye West was forcibly removed from a Cartoon Network studio earlier today after he allegedly molested actor Seth Green during a taping of Robot Chicken. "We'd invited Kanye to guest as the voice of Rubic the Amazing Cube on an episode we were working on," said Matthew Senreich, the show's co-creator. "Everything was going pretty well and all of a sudden the guy just went crazy and started doing stuff to Seth."
"I wasn't really phased when he whipped his junk out during the taping," said a shaken Green. "I mean, I've worked with Marsters, so I'm used to that kind of thing." Green is referring to fellow Buffy the Vampire Slayer star James Marsters, whose penis-based "let me show you Spike's spike" routine was a consistent hit with the show's cast and crew. "Then I got little nervous when he started walking towards me saying 'it's gonna get you,'" continued Green. "When he started trying to rub his junk all over me, that's when I called security."
Today's incident was not the first time West has caused an awkward situation for a star of the Austin Powers movie series. Just yesterday, he confused and embarrassed Beyonce Knowles at the MTV Awards with his interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. Series star Mike Myers was similarly flabbergasted in 2005 when Kanye speculated about then-President George W. Bush's racism at a benefit for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Less publicized was West's outburst at UCLA's graduation ceremony last May. In the middle of Verne Troyer's commencement speech, West wrestled the microphone away to deliver a lengthy diatribe on the merits of midget wrestling.
The purpose of West's bizarre public outbursts so far remains unknown. It is likewise unclear why West's behaviour seems to be targeted at members of the Austin Powers cast. Given the increasing frequency of West's antics, other actors who appeared in the movies are preparing for the eventuality of 'West situation.' "Just let that little fucker try something with me," said Robert Wagner, who played Dr. Evil's henchman Number Two in all three Powers films. "I'll teach him why you don't fuck with Jonathan Hart."
It is currently unclear whether or not Mr. Green will be pressing charges. When asked about the incident, West's publicist and agent refused to comment.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
What Obama Really Said To America's Kids: A Goat Head Gumbo Exclusive
Many people assume that the speech given to our nation’s school children by President Obama actually followed the transcript released by the White House, and that the footage aired by most major news networks was of the actual speech. In fact, Obama’s true “Back to School” speech was very different. Goat Head Gumbo has acquired a partial transcript of the actual Obama speech, which is reprinted below.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hello everyone – how's everybody doing today? I'm here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we've got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I'm glad you all could join us for today’s indoctrination.
When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years. The school I went to there is called a “madrasah.” Now I know that’s kind of a funny name, but I learned a lot of important things there. For example, I learned that there is no God but Allah and that Mohammad is his prophet. I also learned that those of us who are righteous in the eyes of Allah must wage Jihad on the capitalist imperialist pig-dogs of America. This valuable lesson would eventually lead to pursue a career in politics, so that I could destroy America from within.
I decided as a youngster, not much older than many of you, that the best way to destroy American society was to attain the highest post in the land, namely President of the United States. Moving to America was the first step in this plan, but there was a lot more to do. For instance, I had to hide all traces of my Kenyan birth. That meant forging a birth certificate and adding a birth announcement to every single archive edition of several Hawaiian newspapers—including microfiche editions. I won’t kid you: it was a lot of work for a ten-year old. After that---
[Doorbell Rings]
PRESIDENT OBAMA [Quizzically]
Hey, I wonder who that is at the door. Let’s go find out!
[Obama opens door revealing SALLY THE SOCIALIST SQUIRREL]
Look Kids! It’s my old friend Sally the Socialist Squirrel. What are you doing here, Sally?
SALLY THE SOCIALIST SQUIRREL
I heard you were giving a speech to the kids of America and thought I should probably interrupt before you bored them to tears with the story of how you became President.
PRESIDENT OBAMA [Sweating profusely]
Haw! Haw! Haw! That’s a good one, Sally! You’ve got pretty good timing, thought, because I was just about to tell the kids how working hard in school got me into Harvard, which is of course where you come into the story!
SALLY THE SOCIALIST SQUIRREL
That’s right, kids! I’m a professor at Harvard, and like most East Coast Liberals, I’m a raging socialist! From the moment I first met President Obama, I knew he was just the Muslim terrorist we socialists needed! If we could only get him elected President, we could steal money from well-deserving inheritors, Wall Street geniuses, and other hard-working types through taxation and then redistribute the wealth to a bunch of shiftless, lazy, welfare moms. If we were lucky, we could even give them all free health care!
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Sally took it upon herself to introduce me to all kinds of important people, like Albie the Abortion Ape, Gary the Gay Marriage Gazelle, Bill Ayers, and Franz the Facism Fox, just to name a few. All these new friends eventually helped me get elected President of the United States, but I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t stayed in school. So take it from me, kids, if working hard in school can help somebody like me—a mixed-race, fascist, gay-loving, baby-killing, socialist, Muslim terrorist from Kenya—get elected president, imaging what studying and working hard can do for you--especially you honky-ass crackers out there!
Now, before I get back to the task of destroying our nation, there’s just one more thing I’d like you to do. GAZE UPON THE HYPNOTIC POWER OF MY EVIL EYE AND REPEAT AFTER ME: OBAMA IS THE ONE TRUE LEADER—
[Transmission Interrupted, presumably through the heroic efforts of Glen Beck (God rest his sanity)]
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hello everyone – how's everybody doing today? I'm here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we've got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I'm glad you all could join us for today’s indoctrination.
When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years. The school I went to there is called a “madrasah.” Now I know that’s kind of a funny name, but I learned a lot of important things there. For example, I learned that there is no God but Allah and that Mohammad is his prophet. I also learned that those of us who are righteous in the eyes of Allah must wage Jihad on the capitalist imperialist pig-dogs of America. This valuable lesson would eventually lead to pursue a career in politics, so that I could destroy America from within.
I decided as a youngster, not much older than many of you, that the best way to destroy American society was to attain the highest post in the land, namely President of the United States. Moving to America was the first step in this plan, but there was a lot more to do. For instance, I had to hide all traces of my Kenyan birth. That meant forging a birth certificate and adding a birth announcement to every single archive edition of several Hawaiian newspapers—including microfiche editions. I won’t kid you: it was a lot of work for a ten-year old. After that---
[Doorbell Rings]
PRESIDENT OBAMA [Quizzically]
Hey, I wonder who that is at the door. Let’s go find out!
[Obama opens door revealing SALLY THE SOCIALIST SQUIRREL]
Look Kids! It’s my old friend Sally the Socialist Squirrel. What are you doing here, Sally?
SALLY THE SOCIALIST SQUIRREL
I heard you were giving a speech to the kids of America and thought I should probably interrupt before you bored them to tears with the story of how you became President.
PRESIDENT OBAMA [Sweating profusely]
Haw! Haw! Haw! That’s a good one, Sally! You’ve got pretty good timing, thought, because I was just about to tell the kids how working hard in school got me into Harvard, which is of course where you come into the story!
SALLY THE SOCIALIST SQUIRREL
That’s right, kids! I’m a professor at Harvard, and like most East Coast Liberals, I’m a raging socialist! From the moment I first met President Obama, I knew he was just the Muslim terrorist we socialists needed! If we could only get him elected President, we could steal money from well-deserving inheritors, Wall Street geniuses, and other hard-working types through taxation and then redistribute the wealth to a bunch of shiftless, lazy, welfare moms. If we were lucky, we could even give them all free health care!
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Sally took it upon herself to introduce me to all kinds of important people, like Albie the Abortion Ape, Gary the Gay Marriage Gazelle, Bill Ayers, and Franz the Facism Fox, just to name a few. All these new friends eventually helped me get elected President of the United States, but I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t stayed in school. So take it from me, kids, if working hard in school can help somebody like me—a mixed-race, fascist, gay-loving, baby-killing, socialist, Muslim terrorist from Kenya—get elected president, imaging what studying and working hard can do for you--especially you honky-ass crackers out there!
Now, before I get back to the task of destroying our nation, there’s just one more thing I’d like you to do. GAZE UPON THE HYPNOTIC POWER OF MY EVIL EYE AND REPEAT AFTER ME: OBAMA IS THE ONE TRUE LEADER—
[Transmission Interrupted, presumably through the heroic efforts of Glen Beck (God rest his sanity)]
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Slactivism
The Urban Dictionary defines Slactivism (they spell it with a "k," but that seems like a lot of extra work) as "The act of participating in obviously pointless activities as an expedient alternative to actually expending effort to fix a problem." Wikipedia cites awareness bracelets, internet petitions, and magnetic car ribbons as a few examples. I first read the term at Snopes.com several years ago, but I'm too lazy to dig through the site (and it's annoying pop-ups) to find the article. Basically, it's doing something that takes very little effort and is ultimately useless, but makes us feel like we're doing a good thing.
Perhaps my favorite example of Slactivism is the "repost this" meme. You know, the messages that say something like "I think it's wrong to use midgets to club baby seals. If you agree, please repost this message." The best thing about these memes, in my opinion, is their paradoxical nature. On the surface, they make it seem like we're taking a moment out of our obsessive narcissism in order to make the world a better place. At the same time, the idea that the world is going to change because you posted something to Facebook is hubris at its most absurd.
When a particular "repost this" message show up enough to annoy me, I'll change the wording a bit to make it stupid before reposting, mainly just to see if anyone notices. Because the internet makes it incredibly easy to do really retarded things (and because I often get bored at work), I've decided to start posting a new (and dumb) "repost this" meme to Twitter, theoretically on a daily basis. Check them out at https://twitter.comSlactivismDaily. And if you agree with me, please repost.
Perhaps my favorite example of Slactivism is the "repost this" meme. You know, the messages that say something like "I think it's wrong to use midgets to club baby seals. If you agree, please repost this message." The best thing about these memes, in my opinion, is their paradoxical nature. On the surface, they make it seem like we're taking a moment out of our obsessive narcissism in order to make the world a better place. At the same time, the idea that the world is going to change because you posted something to Facebook is hubris at its most absurd.
When a particular "repost this" message show up enough to annoy me, I'll change the wording a bit to make it stupid before reposting, mainly just to see if anyone notices. Because the internet makes it incredibly easy to do really retarded things (and because I often get bored at work), I've decided to start posting a new (and dumb) "repost this" meme to Twitter, theoretically on a daily basis. Check them out at https://twitter.comSlactivismDaily. And if you agree with me, please repost.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Glen Beck's New System (of cRazEe)
As many of you know, Glen Beck has spent the last year or so pioneering a new form of right-wing punditry that borders on performance art. In a recent piece, Beck "proved" that Barack Obama is an oligarch (or rather "oligarh")using a new form of problem solving that mixes cryptography with insanity and perhaps a bit of mysticism. The video below shows how Beck's new pseudo-logic works.
The obvious question, of course, is "What else can we prove using the Beck system?" As you may have already guessed, I've come up with a few things.
We'll start with former Vice President Dick Cheney:
So, Dick Cheney is Darth Vader. No real surprises here. Jon Stewart called that one a long time ago.
I wonder if this system works for people outside of politics. Let's try Michael Bay:
Michael Bay Blows Shit Up. Seems to work.
Now, last but not least, let's see what this system has to say about Mr. Beck.
Damn, this system is good.
The obvious question, of course, is "What else can we prove using the Beck system?" As you may have already guessed, I've come up with a few things.
We'll start with former Vice President Dick Cheney:
- former secretary of Defense.
- voted Against making Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday a national holiday while a congressman.
- served as Republican Minority Whip.
- key player in the war on Terrorism.
- close ties to Haliburton.
- two terms as Vice President.
- worked with American Enterprise Institute.
- important figure in Operation Desert Storm.
- held secret meetings with Energy companies.
- was played by Richard Dreyfuss in the movie W.
So, Dick Cheney is Darth Vader. No real surprises here. Jon Stewart called that one a long time ago.
I wonder if this system works for people outside of politics. Let's try Michael Bay:
- directed the Bad Boys movies.
- born in Los Angeles.
- directed the video for Meat Loaf's song "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are."
- also directed a video by Wilson Phillips.
- received the ShoWest 2009 Vanguard Award.
- worked with Shia LeBouf.
- produced The Horsemen.
- directed The Island.
- made buckets of money with Transformers.
- acted in Coyote Ugly.
- responsible for Pearl Harbor.
Michael Bay Blows Shit Up. Seems to work.
Now, last but not least, let's see what this system has to say about Mr. Beck.
- used to work for CNN
- lived in Utah for a while.
- wrote The Christmas Sweater.
- Screams and cries on the air sometimes.
Damn, this system is good.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Song Lyrics That Are Funnier When You Think About Them
Sometimes song lyrics are funny when you think about what they're actually saying. In some cases, this is intentional. In others, not so much. Here are my top five "stealth joke" lines from songs.
1. "Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say word."--"Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner," Warren Zevon.
Funny Because: Roland really can't say a word because of the whole "not having a head" thing. It's really kind of a barrier to communication.
2. "We parachute in. We parachute out. 'DEATH FROM ABOVE' we're screaming now."--"Jungle Work," Warren Zevon
Funny Because: Paratroopers have been a vital part of our nation's defenses for nearly a century, and this noble profession has included such luminaries as Jimi Hendrix and Ed Wood. But really, how the hell do you parachute out?
3. "'Did you know that I live in your street?' I said and he looked at me like I was crazy."--"O'Malley's Bar," Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Funny Because: Context is really key here. This exchange takes place about halfway through the narrator/singer's murder spree.
4. "He's not conventionally handsome, he'll never be tall."--"Eyball Kid," Tom Waits
Funny Because: As the name implies, it's about a kid who's just an eyeball.
5. "I know I didn't see you hidin' your weddin' ring either did I?" --"We Didn't See A Thing," George Jones and Ray Charles
Funny Because: The above line is sung by Ray Charles, who hadn't seen anything for decades when this song was recorded.
Honorable Mention: "'No Albi you didn't kill me with your dragon flames.
I crawled to safety, but you did leave me very badly disfigured,' laughed the boy." --"Albi the Racist Dragon," Flight of the Conchords
1. "Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say word."--"Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner," Warren Zevon.
Funny Because: Roland really can't say a word because of the whole "not having a head" thing. It's really kind of a barrier to communication.
2. "We parachute in. We parachute out. 'DEATH FROM ABOVE' we're screaming now."--"Jungle Work," Warren Zevon
Funny Because: Paratroopers have been a vital part of our nation's defenses for nearly a century, and this noble profession has included such luminaries as Jimi Hendrix and Ed Wood. But really, how the hell do you parachute out?
3. "'Did you know that I live in your street?' I said and he looked at me like I was crazy."--"O'Malley's Bar," Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Funny Because: Context is really key here. This exchange takes place about halfway through the narrator/singer's murder spree.
4. "He's not conventionally handsome, he'll never be tall."--"Eyball Kid," Tom Waits
Funny Because: As the name implies, it's about a kid who's just an eyeball.
5. "I know I didn't see you hidin' your weddin' ring either did I?" --"We Didn't See A Thing," George Jones and Ray Charles
Funny Because: The above line is sung by Ray Charles, who hadn't seen anything for decades when this song was recorded.
Honorable Mention: "'No Albi you didn't kill me with your dragon flames.
I crawled to safety, but you did leave me very badly disfigured,' laughed the boy." --"Albi the Racist Dragon," Flight of the Conchords
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