From the September Issue of Bazooka Magazine:
Every movie fan knows that summer movie season draws to a close sometime between the middle and end of August; I think Fright Night pretty much closed it out this year. Starting in October (amidst what seems to be an ever-decreasing number of forgettable but enjoyable horror flicks), studios will be releasing the films that they think will get Oscar attention. Some of these will spend too much time cloying for the Academy nod to be enjoyable, but a good chunk of them will be really good movies.
Those of you who are familiar with modern American timekeeping will, of course, note that between these two periods lies the month of September, which we’re just entering. That’s when studios release that stuff that doesn’t have the starpower or visual effects to compete with Conan and Captain America and is far too devoid of artistic merit for even a bought Academy member to vote for. If you love movies but hate yourself, September’s the month for you! Here’s what’s in store for you:
September 2: Apollo 18
This is another one of those fake documentaries like Blair Witch or Cloverfield, which in my book is strike one against it. The footage purports to show NASA’s secret final visit to the moon and [spooky announcer voice] why we didn’t go back! So basically, this is shaping up to be the first fifteen minutes of Transformers 3, only without any actual Transformers. IMDB lists both of the actors as “uncredited.” Not sure if that’s due to a dumb marketing maneuver, a scheme to get around SAG pay scales, or just the actors saying “hey, how about you just leave our names out of this?”
What It Wants To Be: Apollo 13 meets Aliens
What It Will Probably Be: Paranormal Activity in SPAAAAAAACEEEEEE!!!!!!
Recommendation: Just go see Shark Week 3-D instead. It’s a gorefest about sharks eating people (in 3-D!), but at least they’re not trying to pretend that a worn-out framing device that rarely works is something edgy and new. If you’re really curious about Apollo 18, you can probably get the same experience by watching random excerpts from Discovery Channel shows about the space program while a guy wearing a rubber alien suit hits you in the crotch repeatedly with a hammer.
September 9: Contagion
This one worries me not in spite of its star power, but because of it. Even though the cast is largely made up of people whose careers have likely peaked, the need to bring so many turn-of-the-century big names on board makes me worry that the plot’s a little thin. Also, based on the preview, the only two who might not be completely phoning it in are John Hawkes and that dude who played Veronica Mars’ dad. Worse still, Soderbergh is kind of hit-or-miss as a director, and this film looks like Roland Emmerich trying to do a remake of Outbreak while pretending he’s Robert Altman. It might turn out ok, but I’m skeptical.
What It Wants To Be: I’m not sure Soderbergh has any idea. Is it a drama? A thriller? A disaster movie? For most of the actors, I think the answer is “how I’ll pay for that boat I’ve been wanting to get.”
What It Will Probably Be: Again, no clue. It could be good, or it could be two hours you’ll never, ever get back.
Recommendation: Unless Burke and Hare (Simon Pegg as half of the Victorian age’s most famous grave-robbing duo!) plays here, check it out. Your only other option is Warrior, which looks to be The Fighter without all the heroin addiction and, you know, acting.
September 16: I Don’t Know How She Does It
It’s a bit alarming how much the trailer for this movie pissed me off. The basic premise is that Sarah Jessica Parker is happily married, incredibly successful, and has overachieving kids...and it’s just really, really stressful! You know, I’m pretty sure there’s a chick in Marshall County or Ledbetter or somewhere with a special needs child and an abusive ex who’d trade in her double shifts at Wal-Mart and the meth lab next door for this “stressful” life without a second thought. Once you get past the elitism of the premise, the rest of the movie seems every bit as uninspired as the decision to cast Sarah Jessica Parker as a vapid cunt.
What It Wants To Be: A modern-day 9 to 5.
What It Will Probably Be: An insult to Rosanne Barr’s entire career.
Recommendation: Piranha 3DD
September 23: Killer Elite
You may have heard of “on the tin advertising,” which basically means you get exactly what’s advertised. In the world of movies, this describes fine films like Snakes on a Plane and Hot Tub Time Machine. Killer Elite seems to be a variation on, or perhaps an evolution of, that concept. In this case, the basic idea seems to be “if we tell them what the movie is about, we don’t have to even bother giving it a good title.” If you hook two groups of guys up to state-of-the-art brain scanners and tell one group, “We’re making a movie about Jason Statham and Clive Owen trying to kill each other. It’s called Killer Elite.” and tell the other group “We’re making a movie about Jason Statham and Clive Owen trying to kill each other. It’s called Photographs of President McKinley’s Hairy Nutsack,” the readouts for the two groups will be identical: Fuck yeah!
What It Wants To Be: A giant action movie about Jason Statham and Clive Owen trying to kill each other.
What It Will Probably Be: A giant action movie about Jason Statham and Clive Owen trying to kill each other.
Recommendation: Did you miss the part where Jason Statham and Clive Owen are trying to kill each other?
September 30: Courageous
This movie is from the makers of Fireproof, so I’m assuming that it, like Fireproof, will play at the Paducah Cinemark for months despite the fact that by all rights it should be a straight to video release. Fortunately, this one doesn’t have the kind of star power (by which I mean Kirk Cameron) that Fireproof brought to the table, so hopefully it won’t hang around as long. Although I’ve never seen Fireproof, my understanding is about a heroic firemen who love God. Courageous, on the other hand, is about heroic policemen who love God. So this is a pretty radical departure for the film makers.
What It Wants To Be: An affirmation of Christ’s love and/or the inherent legitimacy of authority figures in uniform.
What It Will Probably Be: Wasting a screen that could be showing a perfectly good movie about tits and evil fish.
Recommendation: Hope something good’s playing at Maiden Alley. The only other new release this weekend that might be watchable is 50/50, which might not even play here. “50/50,” by the way, is both the title of the film and the ratio of good to bad leads (Joseph Gordon-Levitt/Seth Rogan)
Once the long dark teatime of the movie industry that is September ends, things will get better (or, in the case of Hugh Jackman in Rock ‘em, Sock ‘em Robots: The Movie, bad in much more ridiculous and potentially amusing way). In addition to The Rum Diaries (which I hope will show up at Maiden Alley), October’s got at least one over-the-top action flick (the steampunk Three Musketeers movie), what could be a passable sci-fi flick starring Justin Timberlake (In Time), and a few remakes that might be worth seeing out of curiosity if nothing else (Footloose, The Thing). After that, the holiday movie season kicks into gear and there’ll be too many movies coming out to keep up with. Just don’t forget what’s really important this holiday season: seeing the new Muppet movie.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
DC Reboot, Week 3: Eh.
I decided not to pick up all the new DC reboot comics this week. The first week’s selection was mostly mediocre, so this time around I picked up major characters, characters I like, and a few that sounded neat. I skipped Deathstroke, Grifter, Legion Lost, Red Lanterns, and Resurrection Man and missed Mister Terrific (which I do want to read). The verdicts on the ones I read:
Batman and Robin
Once you get past/ignore the fact that the reboot timeline (which is supposed to be something like 5 years after the various super-heroes started appearing) means that Bats has been going through Robins at an alarming rate, this is pretty much what you expect from a comic that pairs Bruce up with his son. Damien doesn’t take orders and seems like he could just as easily be a sociopath as a hero and Bats isn’t used to dealing with quite so much attitude. It looks like the writers are taking their cues from Morrison on this one, so this should be a good one.
Batwoman
Despite being part of the reboot, this looks to be basically the same Batwoman comic that was promised a year or two ago but never got off the ground. Looking forward to finally reading it.
Demon Knights
The Demon/Jason Blood and Madame Xanadu wander around medieval Europe at some unspecified time after the fall of Camelot, occasionally meeting up with Vandal Savage. In the first issue, they also meet up with a character who appears to be a female version of Shining Knight. Not sure about this one. I really like the character design for Etrigan, but so far he only seems to speak in rhyme when transforming. I realize writing the rhymes is probably a huge pain in the ass, but not even trying seems kind of lazy to me.
Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E.
I wasn’t reading comics when the Seven Soldiers of Victory stuff came out, so I don’t really know anything about the character. Based on the first issue, though, I like it: Frank works for the Super Human Advanced Defense Executive, which is headquartered in a microscopic city inside a 3-inch indestructible ball that moves around at 600+ mph, his boss is someone named Father Time who gets a new body every 10 years and is currently a little girl, and he’s just been paired up with a team of other variations on the classic Universal monsters. The first issue has a “Doom Patrol meets Hellboy” kind of feel, and if they can keep that up, I’ll keep reading.
Green Lantern
The book starts with Sinestro getting a power ring, which seems like a bad plan considering that he’s apparently already done a bunch of the bad stuff he did in the old DCU. Then we cut to Hal and discover that it was his ring, which the little blue guys took away from him (presumably because of recklessness) and he’s not handling it well. The issue’s basically all set-up for the final page, which looks like it will lead into the actual premise next issue. The first issue was readable enough, but there’s not enough story there to make any real judgement about whether or not the series will be worth reading.
Suicide Squad
Harley Quinn and a bunch of other really bad guys you’ve never or barely heard of (I think Deadshot’s the next most recognizable) get forced into working for Dr. Amanda Waller. I assume they’re going to be some sort of super-team, but based the description of the first mission (provided just as the issue ends), it’s also possible (if unlikely) that Waller has lost her damned mind and become a super-villain. I’ll give it a few issues, if only because they seem to be writing Harley the way I like her--disturbingly, creepily insane--and there’s a guy with a shark head.
Superboy
This one’s all origin story, so it’s going to take at least another issue to get a feel for where it’s going. It looks like it might just be rehashing the mid-90s Superboy storyline, but hopefully they’ll add something new or interesting. I kind of like the manga-style art.
Batman and Robin
Once you get past/ignore the fact that the reboot timeline (which is supposed to be something like 5 years after the various super-heroes started appearing) means that Bats has been going through Robins at an alarming rate, this is pretty much what you expect from a comic that pairs Bruce up with his son. Damien doesn’t take orders and seems like he could just as easily be a sociopath as a hero and Bats isn’t used to dealing with quite so much attitude. It looks like the writers are taking their cues from Morrison on this one, so this should be a good one.
Batwoman
Despite being part of the reboot, this looks to be basically the same Batwoman comic that was promised a year or two ago but never got off the ground. Looking forward to finally reading it.
Demon Knights
The Demon/Jason Blood and Madame Xanadu wander around medieval Europe at some unspecified time after the fall of Camelot, occasionally meeting up with Vandal Savage. In the first issue, they also meet up with a character who appears to be a female version of Shining Knight. Not sure about this one. I really like the character design for Etrigan, but so far he only seems to speak in rhyme when transforming. I realize writing the rhymes is probably a huge pain in the ass, but not even trying seems kind of lazy to me.
Frankenstein: Agent of S.H.A.D.E.
I wasn’t reading comics when the Seven Soldiers of Victory stuff came out, so I don’t really know anything about the character. Based on the first issue, though, I like it: Frank works for the Super Human Advanced Defense Executive, which is headquartered in a microscopic city inside a 3-inch indestructible ball that moves around at 600+ mph, his boss is someone named Father Time who gets a new body every 10 years and is currently a little girl, and he’s just been paired up with a team of other variations on the classic Universal monsters. The first issue has a “Doom Patrol meets Hellboy” kind of feel, and if they can keep that up, I’ll keep reading.
Green Lantern
The book starts with Sinestro getting a power ring, which seems like a bad plan considering that he’s apparently already done a bunch of the bad stuff he did in the old DCU. Then we cut to Hal and discover that it was his ring, which the little blue guys took away from him (presumably because of recklessness) and he’s not handling it well. The issue’s basically all set-up for the final page, which looks like it will lead into the actual premise next issue. The first issue was readable enough, but there’s not enough story there to make any real judgement about whether or not the series will be worth reading.
Suicide Squad
Harley Quinn and a bunch of other really bad guys you’ve never or barely heard of (I think Deadshot’s the next most recognizable) get forced into working for Dr. Amanda Waller. I assume they’re going to be some sort of super-team, but based the description of the first mission (provided just as the issue ends), it’s also possible (if unlikely) that Waller has lost her damned mind and become a super-villain. I’ll give it a few issues, if only because they seem to be writing Harley the way I like her--disturbingly, creepily insane--and there’s a guy with a shark head.
Superboy
This one’s all origin story, so it’s going to take at least another issue to get a feel for where it’s going. It looks like it might just be rehashing the mid-90s Superboy storyline, but hopefully they’ll add something new or interesting. I kind of like the manga-style art.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Dan Didio Nut-Kick Theater
Since this blog has been mostly politics lately, let’s talk about comic books.
While I still go pick up new books every Wednesday, I’ve gotten way behind on actually reading them. I’m anywhere from 2 to 10 issues behind on most books at the moment and just can’t find time to sit down and catch up. When I do catch up on something, it’s not unusual to realize that I should have stopped buying it months ago. So for me, the DC reboot is a way to start fresh and attempt to keep up. Except for the single issue of Justice League last week, this Wednesday was the first wave of the new DC books. Since all but a few were on my “at least check out the first issue” list anyway, I decided to drop the extra $10-15 and give them all a chance. Just finished them all and the experience was mostly underwhelming, though some of the titles do have potential.
Justice League
This was the only DCU book released last week, and the big jumping on point that was supposed to get fans amped up for the all new DC Universe. Apparently, the creative team (or more likely, Dan “should be kicked in the nuts” Didio) decided that the best way to do that was with a story where....not much happens. So it’s kind of hard to tell where this one will go. Johns seems to be taking the Grant Morrison “Batman is so incredibly competent that he’s almost a self-parody” track, which can be a lot of fun. Green Lantern seems to be at least somewhat based on Ryan Reynolds from the movie, which could go either way. I don’t hate Jim Lee’s art, but I don’t especially like it, either. Especially the actions scenes. Lee seems to belong to the “maybe if I just put a bunch of shit in the panel, no one will notice that I suck at actually showing what’s going on.” I will cautiously buy issue 2.
Action Comics
The idea of an “edgy” Superman would turn my stomach in the hands of most writers, but I’ll give Grant Morrison the benefit of the doubt on just about any concept. It only took him a few pages of establishing that the edginess comes from the fact that Supes is an activist to win me over completely. This comic will probably cause some serious nerd rage, but I think I’m going to love it.
Animal Man
I never read Morrison’s Animal Man series, but I’ve run into the character in other books. He’s got kind of a “regular guy” vibe that I like, and the whole shamanistic animal otherworld thing seems neat. I’m not crazy about the art in the new book, but it looks like they’re sticking with the same basic character that’s always seemed likable to me, and the final scene of issue 1 means I’ll at least buy issue 2.
Batgirl
I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read of the most recent Batgirl series, so it’s one of the ones I’m a little sad to see get rebooted. Plus, Barbara Gordon has been Oracle pretty much the entire time I’ve been reading mainstream comics, so while seeing her as Batgirl is cool, the idea of a DCU without Oracle is a little weird. The comic kind of starts where the original Babs-as-Batgirl ended, with her returning to duty after several months in a wheelchair courtesy of the joker (fortunately in the new DCU, the damage wasn’t permanent). I really enjoyed the first issue, but I’m probably a little biased since I’m a fan of both Batgirl and Barbara Gordon.
Batwing
I kind of like the art, but nothing about the first issue of this book really reaches out and grabs me. That said, the premise--a super-hero based in the Congo--has potential. If nothing else, the types of crimes and bad guys to be dealt with should have a very different vibe from the typical American super-hero comic. The problem, of course, is that I’m not sure I trust Judd Winick to do anything but write a straightforward American super-hero comic, only with black guys and Congolese place names. I’ll probably pick up the next issue or two just to see if it’s going anywhere interesting.
Detective Comics
The timeline seems to be after Bats has befriended Gordon but before the rest of the GCPD and city government are on board with the idea of a vigilante as an ally, and the series dives right into things with the Joker as the antagonist. It’s pretty standard Batman fare, but I’m always a sucker for any Batman comic that includes “Frank Miller medical updates” whenever Bats gets hurt.
Green Arrow
The nut kicks I advocate for Dan Didio are meant to be one-kick (each time you happen to run into him), do-it-and-it’s-done affairs. Almost like a greeting. Hell, I’d even be willing to elect a Nut Kick Commissioner to rule on when it is and is not acceptable to kick Didio in the sack. In the end, I know Didio will get his due when the ghost of Julie Schwartz rises, Spectre-like, to exact vengeance upon him. J.T. Krul, on the other hand, deserves the kind of brutal nut punch overkill that Hartigan gave to That Yellow Bastard’s head in Sin City. After all, he wrote The Rise of Arsenal, which is arguably the absolute worst comic book mini-series to ever see publication and then continued his rape of the Green Arrow family with the moronic “a forest pops up in Star City” nonsense. When I heard about the reboot, I was heartened by the idea that Krul’s reign of suck over one of my favorite characters was finally coming to an end. But, of course, Didio earned his daily nut kick by deciding that Green Arrow would be one of the few comics that didn’t get a new writer.
I was sure that this comic would be yet another rape of one of my favorite characters by Krul. The low expectations might have actually helped, since the comic didn’t manage to annoy nearly as much as expected. Sure, the villains are apparently motivated by Youtube hits, Krul’s attempts at writing Ollie-style banter are atrocious, and the armor looks entirely too Green Lanterny for my taste. However, at no point in the book does Ollie take off his pants and start randomly urinating on things, which for Krul is a small victory. I will give him credit for re-introducing the trick arrows and remembering that Ollie does, in fact, own a huge technology company and therefore should have some Batmanesque cool toys. I will continue to read this book out of grim obligation to the character and the solemn hope that J.T. Krul is struck down by a vengeful god or rendered permanently incapacitated before the series gets cancelled.
Hawk & Dove
Even if this comic were extremely well-written (it’s not), I would have still been distracted by one of the great mysteries of modern life. Namely, how is it possible for Rob Liefeld, who has absolutely no skill or talent for drawing, to be a successful comic book artist? I just don’t understand.
Justice League International
I suspected that loyalty to some of the individual characters would be the main draw of this book, but the first issue suggests that there might be some fun character bickering, and there’s even a possibility of some ineteresting conflict derived from introducing global politics into the usual super team set-up (the team is backed by the U.N.). If nothing else, having protesters bomb the Hall of Justice in the first issue is enough to convince me it deserves a chance.
Men of War
Call me a traditionalist, but Sergeant Rock should be fighting Nazis. In addition to just seeming wrong on a fundamental level, attempting to update Rock to a modern-day setting runs a high risk of the enemies devolving into offensive racial stereotypes. Much as I like the character, I doubt I’ll pick up the next issue.
O.M.A.C.
I knew basically nothing about this character going in, and after reading the first issue, I still know basically nothing about this character and am very neutral on the comic. Since I usually love Giffen’s work and, as I may have mentioned, am not a fan of Dan Didio, I was hoping that one of them would overpower the other, making the decision as to whether or not this would be worth reading an easy one. Instead, it seems that when the powers of good and the powers of suck combine, you end up with something blindingly mediocre. I might pick up issue 2 in hopes that by then Giffen will have discovered a way to circumvent the Kryptonite-like drain on all things good that is Dan Didio (my suggestion: repeated nut kicks), but only if it comes out during an otherwise slow comic week.
Static Shock
Comics, on the most basic level, are supposed to tell a story with pictures. Words are often used to enhance the story, but the visual element should generally be a big part of the experience. So if a typical page of a comic is using several hundred words and most of them add very little to the story, somebody’s doing something wrong. Sometimes the artist just can’t tell a story very well. Sometimes the writer is too wordy or not good at letting the pictures do the talking. Since the art in this book seems to do a pretty good job of showing what’s going on, I’m going to blame the overabundance of caption boxes and word balloons in this book on the writing team. Unfortunately for DC and fortunately for my bank account, there’s nothing about this book that makes me feel like I need to buy any future issues.
Stormwatch
I used to read The Authority and always like the characters, but I’m curious how they’re going to fit it all into the DCU. Several of character concepts (especially Apollo and Midnighter) have always been “kind of like [JLA member], but more of a bad-ass and not necessarily ‘heroic’ in the traditional sense,” and it look like that may be the direction the book is headed. I’m definitely intrigued, especially with the idea of Martian Manhunter belonging to both teams.
Swamp Thing
Re-envisioning Alan Moore seems to be a battle you’re destined to lose, so I’ll give the creative team some credit for even trying. The book starts off after Dr. Holland has died, become Swamp Thing, and somehow returned with vague memories of his time as a rotting heap of plant matter. Then at the end, a Swamp Thing completely independent of Holland shows up. Not sure if Swampy and Holland existing independently of one another was done in the old comics--I never finished the series--but using that as the starting point could work. We’ll see where it goes from here.
Looks like next week has a few of the big names (Batman & Robin, Green Lantern), a few all-new (at least in monthly format) titles (Frankenstein: Agent of SHADE, Red Lanterns), and a few titles that, if history is any indicator, are doomed to cancellation (Resurection Man, Deathstroke). We also finally get the Batwoman series that DC’s been promising for at least a year now. I don’t know if I’ll pick up the whole pile next time--I find it hard to imagine any possibility of a readable Grifter comic--but I’ll try to post some mini-reviews of the ones I do.
While I still go pick up new books every Wednesday, I’ve gotten way behind on actually reading them. I’m anywhere from 2 to 10 issues behind on most books at the moment and just can’t find time to sit down and catch up. When I do catch up on something, it’s not unusual to realize that I should have stopped buying it months ago. So for me, the DC reboot is a way to start fresh and attempt to keep up. Except for the single issue of Justice League last week, this Wednesday was the first wave of the new DC books. Since all but a few were on my “at least check out the first issue” list anyway, I decided to drop the extra $10-15 and give them all a chance. Just finished them all and the experience was mostly underwhelming, though some of the titles do have potential.
Justice League
This was the only DCU book released last week, and the big jumping on point that was supposed to get fans amped up for the all new DC Universe. Apparently, the creative team (or more likely, Dan “should be kicked in the nuts” Didio) decided that the best way to do that was with a story where....not much happens. So it’s kind of hard to tell where this one will go. Johns seems to be taking the Grant Morrison “Batman is so incredibly competent that he’s almost a self-parody” track, which can be a lot of fun. Green Lantern seems to be at least somewhat based on Ryan Reynolds from the movie, which could go either way. I don’t hate Jim Lee’s art, but I don’t especially like it, either. Especially the actions scenes. Lee seems to belong to the “maybe if I just put a bunch of shit in the panel, no one will notice that I suck at actually showing what’s going on.” I will cautiously buy issue 2.
Action Comics
The idea of an “edgy” Superman would turn my stomach in the hands of most writers, but I’ll give Grant Morrison the benefit of the doubt on just about any concept. It only took him a few pages of establishing that the edginess comes from the fact that Supes is an activist to win me over completely. This comic will probably cause some serious nerd rage, but I think I’m going to love it.
Animal Man
I never read Morrison’s Animal Man series, but I’ve run into the character in other books. He’s got kind of a “regular guy” vibe that I like, and the whole shamanistic animal otherworld thing seems neat. I’m not crazy about the art in the new book, but it looks like they’re sticking with the same basic character that’s always seemed likable to me, and the final scene of issue 1 means I’ll at least buy issue 2.
Batgirl
I’ve enjoyed what I’ve read of the most recent Batgirl series, so it’s one of the ones I’m a little sad to see get rebooted. Plus, Barbara Gordon has been Oracle pretty much the entire time I’ve been reading mainstream comics, so while seeing her as Batgirl is cool, the idea of a DCU without Oracle is a little weird. The comic kind of starts where the original Babs-as-Batgirl ended, with her returning to duty after several months in a wheelchair courtesy of the joker (fortunately in the new DCU, the damage wasn’t permanent). I really enjoyed the first issue, but I’m probably a little biased since I’m a fan of both Batgirl and Barbara Gordon.
Batwing
I kind of like the art, but nothing about the first issue of this book really reaches out and grabs me. That said, the premise--a super-hero based in the Congo--has potential. If nothing else, the types of crimes and bad guys to be dealt with should have a very different vibe from the typical American super-hero comic. The problem, of course, is that I’m not sure I trust Judd Winick to do anything but write a straightforward American super-hero comic, only with black guys and Congolese place names. I’ll probably pick up the next issue or two just to see if it’s going anywhere interesting.
Detective Comics
The timeline seems to be after Bats has befriended Gordon but before the rest of the GCPD and city government are on board with the idea of a vigilante as an ally, and the series dives right into things with the Joker as the antagonist. It’s pretty standard Batman fare, but I’m always a sucker for any Batman comic that includes “Frank Miller medical updates” whenever Bats gets hurt.
Green Arrow
The nut kicks I advocate for Dan Didio are meant to be one-kick (each time you happen to run into him), do-it-and-it’s-done affairs. Almost like a greeting. Hell, I’d even be willing to elect a Nut Kick Commissioner to rule on when it is and is not acceptable to kick Didio in the sack. In the end, I know Didio will get his due when the ghost of Julie Schwartz rises, Spectre-like, to exact vengeance upon him. J.T. Krul, on the other hand, deserves the kind of brutal nut punch overkill that Hartigan gave to That Yellow Bastard’s head in Sin City. After all, he wrote The Rise of Arsenal, which is arguably the absolute worst comic book mini-series to ever see publication and then continued his rape of the Green Arrow family with the moronic “a forest pops up in Star City” nonsense. When I heard about the reboot, I was heartened by the idea that Krul’s reign of suck over one of my favorite characters was finally coming to an end. But, of course, Didio earned his daily nut kick by deciding that Green Arrow would be one of the few comics that didn’t get a new writer.
I was sure that this comic would be yet another rape of one of my favorite characters by Krul. The low expectations might have actually helped, since the comic didn’t manage to annoy nearly as much as expected. Sure, the villains are apparently motivated by Youtube hits, Krul’s attempts at writing Ollie-style banter are atrocious, and the armor looks entirely too Green Lanterny for my taste. However, at no point in the book does Ollie take off his pants and start randomly urinating on things, which for Krul is a small victory. I will give him credit for re-introducing the trick arrows and remembering that Ollie does, in fact, own a huge technology company and therefore should have some Batmanesque cool toys. I will continue to read this book out of grim obligation to the character and the solemn hope that J.T. Krul is struck down by a vengeful god or rendered permanently incapacitated before the series gets cancelled.
Hawk & Dove
Even if this comic were extremely well-written (it’s not), I would have still been distracted by one of the great mysteries of modern life. Namely, how is it possible for Rob Liefeld, who has absolutely no skill or talent for drawing, to be a successful comic book artist? I just don’t understand.
Justice League International
I suspected that loyalty to some of the individual characters would be the main draw of this book, but the first issue suggests that there might be some fun character bickering, and there’s even a possibility of some ineteresting conflict derived from introducing global politics into the usual super team set-up (the team is backed by the U.N.). If nothing else, having protesters bomb the Hall of Justice in the first issue is enough to convince me it deserves a chance.
Men of War
Call me a traditionalist, but Sergeant Rock should be fighting Nazis. In addition to just seeming wrong on a fundamental level, attempting to update Rock to a modern-day setting runs a high risk of the enemies devolving into offensive racial stereotypes. Much as I like the character, I doubt I’ll pick up the next issue.
O.M.A.C.
I knew basically nothing about this character going in, and after reading the first issue, I still know basically nothing about this character and am very neutral on the comic. Since I usually love Giffen’s work and, as I may have mentioned, am not a fan of Dan Didio, I was hoping that one of them would overpower the other, making the decision as to whether or not this would be worth reading an easy one. Instead, it seems that when the powers of good and the powers of suck combine, you end up with something blindingly mediocre. I might pick up issue 2 in hopes that by then Giffen will have discovered a way to circumvent the Kryptonite-like drain on all things good that is Dan Didio (my suggestion: repeated nut kicks), but only if it comes out during an otherwise slow comic week.
Static Shock
Comics, on the most basic level, are supposed to tell a story with pictures. Words are often used to enhance the story, but the visual element should generally be a big part of the experience. So if a typical page of a comic is using several hundred words and most of them add very little to the story, somebody’s doing something wrong. Sometimes the artist just can’t tell a story very well. Sometimes the writer is too wordy or not good at letting the pictures do the talking. Since the art in this book seems to do a pretty good job of showing what’s going on, I’m going to blame the overabundance of caption boxes and word balloons in this book on the writing team. Unfortunately for DC and fortunately for my bank account, there’s nothing about this book that makes me feel like I need to buy any future issues.
Stormwatch
I used to read The Authority and always like the characters, but I’m curious how they’re going to fit it all into the DCU. Several of character concepts (especially Apollo and Midnighter) have always been “kind of like [JLA member], but more of a bad-ass and not necessarily ‘heroic’ in the traditional sense,” and it look like that may be the direction the book is headed. I’m definitely intrigued, especially with the idea of Martian Manhunter belonging to both teams.
Swamp Thing
Re-envisioning Alan Moore seems to be a battle you’re destined to lose, so I’ll give the creative team some credit for even trying. The book starts off after Dr. Holland has died, become Swamp Thing, and somehow returned with vague memories of his time as a rotting heap of plant matter. Then at the end, a Swamp Thing completely independent of Holland shows up. Not sure if Swampy and Holland existing independently of one another was done in the old comics--I never finished the series--but using that as the starting point could work. We’ll see where it goes from here.
Looks like next week has a few of the big names (Batman & Robin, Green Lantern), a few all-new (at least in monthly format) titles (Frankenstein: Agent of SHADE, Red Lanterns), and a few titles that, if history is any indicator, are doomed to cancellation (Resurection Man, Deathstroke). We also finally get the Batwoman series that DC’s been promising for at least a year now. I don’t know if I’ll pick up the whole pile next time--I find it hard to imagine any possibility of a readable Grifter comic--but I’ll try to post some mini-reviews of the ones I do.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Confessions of a Hopium Eater
From the August 2011 issue of Bazooka Magazine:
I was enlightened or warped, depending on how you look at it, by George Carlin at a relatively young age. One of the things I agreed with Carlin about for a long time was voting, on which he said:
Since all politicians seemed equally dishonest, I took Carlin’s advice and stayed home most election days. Then in 2000, the Supreme Court appointed George W. Bush to the presidency and it quickly became apparent that in some cases the lesser of two evils was in fact preferable. So I started voting for the person I thought would fuck up things the least and/or the candidate who could correctly pronounce “nuclear.” Until 2008, every vote I cast was against the other guy, not for the guy who got my vote.
In 2008, Barack Obama came along, and I actually believed that he’d do what he said he’d do. While I knew that many of his ideas could never actually be implemented, he made me believe that he’d at least fight for them, and for the first time I voted for a candidate rather than against his opponent. During the early days of the Obama presidency, my Hopium addiction was still strong enough to give him the benefit of the doubt, but after a while I managed to kick the habit of paying more attention to what Obama was saying than what he was doing.
Many who are still hopelessly addicted to Hopium are quick to point out the accomplishments of the Obama administration, but most of these are hollow victories. The Iraq war is over, but only on paper, and we’ve more than made up for the decreased fighting there in Afghanistan, not to mention our air and drone attacks in Libya, Somalia, Pakistan, and Yemen. We’ve got universal health care, but in the form of a corporate-friendly mandate almost identical to the plan that the Heritage Foundation proposed during the Clinton administration. The administration directed the DEA to stop raiding state-legal medical marijuana dispensaries, but then changed its mind when it realized how much money these dispensaries were making without DEA interference. I guess they were worried about that money cutting into Big Pharma’s profits and by association Big Pharma’s campaign contributions. Obama’s few real accomplishments, like the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” were inevitable. They might have taken a few years longer without Democratic leadership, but they were gonna happen sooner or later.
It’s become abundantly clear that Obama, like most other Democrats, only differs from the Republicans on a few social issues. When it comes to economics, the difference between the two parties is so minor as to be almost academic. They’re both ultimately concerned with keeping their rich donors happy, the only difference is that the Democrats will occasionally hide their blind greed and self-interest by throwing a bone to a social program or two. It’s a lot like professional wrestling: To a progressive-minded voter, the Dems are the faces and the GOP play the role of the heels, but at the end of the day they’re all working to put on a good show (like The Debt Ceiling Showdown pay-per-view event) to keep the cash flowing from the rubes (us) to Vince McMahon (the Koch brothers, Walton family, and other billionaires).
Obviously, people on my end of the political spectrum aren’t going to vote for any of the criminals and maniacs that have a chance of getting the GOP nomination, so what the hell are we supposed to do? Much as I agree with Carlin on most things, on this particular point, I think he’s wrong, so I’m going to vote for somebody. The question is, who? My current plan is to vote for a third party candidate (a real one, not a Republican wearing teabags on his three-cornered hat).
Some people will probably counter this idea with the Nader argument and say that by “throwing away your vote” on some third-party candidate, you’ll help to put the GOP back in power. My counter-argument is “what’s the difference?” From where I’m sitting, I really can’t see much of one. All the worst policies of the Bush years have been continued under Obama. As for all the GOP policies that Democrats use to frighten votes out of people--cutting of social programs, outlawing abortion, passing DOMA--keep in mind that the Republicans controlled all three branches of government for most of a decade and didn’t accomplish any of these things. That’s because actual reform of this sort would cost them votes in the next election. Wedge issues like these are the steel cage ladder matches that keep us watching (and voting).
If you can’t find a third party candidate you agree with, just vote for the absolute most batshit insane person you can find. Under our current political system, third party candidates don’t have much chance of getting elected anyway, so you’re not really voting to elect anyone. Instead, you’re voting to show the major parties that you refuse to give your vote to someone who isn’t going to work for your interests. If enough people do it, maybe eventually they’ll take notice (at least until the Supreme Court decides that corporations get 1 vote for every dollar they earn or something). If a few third party guys get elected, even better. There’s always a chance that a handful sincere true believers and colorful nutjobs can at least slow down the bi-partisan corporate toadying and upwards redistribution of wealth that goes on in politics today. At the very least, having a few true loonies in office will make C-Span a lot more entertaining.
I was enlightened or warped, depending on how you look at it, by George Carlin at a relatively young age. One of the things I agreed with Carlin about for a long time was voting, on which he said:
"I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right to complain,' but where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote -- who did not even leave the house on Election Day -- am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created."
Since all politicians seemed equally dishonest, I took Carlin’s advice and stayed home most election days. Then in 2000, the Supreme Court appointed George W. Bush to the presidency and it quickly became apparent that in some cases the lesser of two evils was in fact preferable. So I started voting for the person I thought would fuck up things the least and/or the candidate who could correctly pronounce “nuclear.” Until 2008, every vote I cast was against the other guy, not for the guy who got my vote.
In 2008, Barack Obama came along, and I actually believed that he’d do what he said he’d do. While I knew that many of his ideas could never actually be implemented, he made me believe that he’d at least fight for them, and for the first time I voted for a candidate rather than against his opponent. During the early days of the Obama presidency, my Hopium addiction was still strong enough to give him the benefit of the doubt, but after a while I managed to kick the habit of paying more attention to what Obama was saying than what he was doing.
Many who are still hopelessly addicted to Hopium are quick to point out the accomplishments of the Obama administration, but most of these are hollow victories. The Iraq war is over, but only on paper, and we’ve more than made up for the decreased fighting there in Afghanistan, not to mention our air and drone attacks in Libya, Somalia, Pakistan, and Yemen. We’ve got universal health care, but in the form of a corporate-friendly mandate almost identical to the plan that the Heritage Foundation proposed during the Clinton administration. The administration directed the DEA to stop raiding state-legal medical marijuana dispensaries, but then changed its mind when it realized how much money these dispensaries were making without DEA interference. I guess they were worried about that money cutting into Big Pharma’s profits and by association Big Pharma’s campaign contributions. Obama’s few real accomplishments, like the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” were inevitable. They might have taken a few years longer without Democratic leadership, but they were gonna happen sooner or later.
It’s become abundantly clear that Obama, like most other Democrats, only differs from the Republicans on a few social issues. When it comes to economics, the difference between the two parties is so minor as to be almost academic. They’re both ultimately concerned with keeping their rich donors happy, the only difference is that the Democrats will occasionally hide their blind greed and self-interest by throwing a bone to a social program or two. It’s a lot like professional wrestling: To a progressive-minded voter, the Dems are the faces and the GOP play the role of the heels, but at the end of the day they’re all working to put on a good show (like The Debt Ceiling Showdown pay-per-view event) to keep the cash flowing from the rubes (us) to Vince McMahon (the Koch brothers, Walton family, and other billionaires).
Obviously, people on my end of the political spectrum aren’t going to vote for any of the criminals and maniacs that have a chance of getting the GOP nomination, so what the hell are we supposed to do? Much as I agree with Carlin on most things, on this particular point, I think he’s wrong, so I’m going to vote for somebody. The question is, who? My current plan is to vote for a third party candidate (a real one, not a Republican wearing teabags on his three-cornered hat).
Some people will probably counter this idea with the Nader argument and say that by “throwing away your vote” on some third-party candidate, you’ll help to put the GOP back in power. My counter-argument is “what’s the difference?” From where I’m sitting, I really can’t see much of one. All the worst policies of the Bush years have been continued under Obama. As for all the GOP policies that Democrats use to frighten votes out of people--cutting of social programs, outlawing abortion, passing DOMA--keep in mind that the Republicans controlled all three branches of government for most of a decade and didn’t accomplish any of these things. That’s because actual reform of this sort would cost them votes in the next election. Wedge issues like these are the steel cage ladder matches that keep us watching (and voting).
If you can’t find a third party candidate you agree with, just vote for the absolute most batshit insane person you can find. Under our current political system, third party candidates don’t have much chance of getting elected anyway, so you’re not really voting to elect anyone. Instead, you’re voting to show the major parties that you refuse to give your vote to someone who isn’t going to work for your interests. If enough people do it, maybe eventually they’ll take notice (at least until the Supreme Court decides that corporations get 1 vote for every dollar they earn or something). If a few third party guys get elected, even better. There’s always a chance that a handful sincere true believers and colorful nutjobs can at least slow down the bi-partisan corporate toadying and upwards redistribution of wealth that goes on in politics today. At the very least, having a few true loonies in office will make C-Span a lot more entertaining.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Open Letters To The Universe
From the August issue of Bazooka Magazine
There’s a lot of stupid shit going on lately, but I’ve been too busy (or maybe just too lazy) to cover it all in depth here. Instead, I’m going to use a contrived “open letters to people I don’t know” format that will allow me to hit the highlights while simultaneously annoying the Update Update guys. So everybody wins.
Dear Sarah Palin,
Did you really release a book called Undefeated? Seriously? That’s like Paris Hilton releasing a book called Unfucked. In both cases, the interwebs are full of evidence to the contrary.
Dear David Williams,
If you regularly report thousands of dollars in gambling losses on your tax returns, you can’t be against expanding gambling in the state of Kentucky. Our state could really use the jobs, tax revenues, and other economic benefits from gambling money that Kentuckians like you are giving to neighboring states.
Dear Bush Tax Cut Supporters,
Trickle down theory used to be confined to the fringes of the Republican party--even George H.W. Bush called it “voodoo economics”--but today even the allegedly but not really Liberal Obama administration pays lip service to the idea that giving tax cuts to the rich will create jobs. Let’s ignore the 30+ years of evidence that this simply isn’t true and think about it from the perspective of a business owner: Say you run a business making Gadsden flags.Your company is fully staffed with salespeople, office workers, janitors, and enough people on the production floor to turn out 1500 flags a month. Your biggest sales month is April (when all the tea partiers are gearing up for their tax day protests), when you sell about 1400 flags. The rest of the year, you average around 1000 flags a month. If the government gives you a tax cut, are you going to use that money to hire an employee you don’t need? Exactly. If we want the economy to improve, we need to put money into the hands of the morons who buy Gadsden flags, not inflate the bank accounts of the people who outsourced their jobs to China in the first place.
Dear Nancy Grace,
I hear there’s a dead white girl at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Why don’t you go check that out?
Dear Hollywood,
Please make a buddy cop movie starring John Turturro and Alan Tudyk. Don’t let Michael Bay have anything to do with it. While you’re at it, stop letting Michael Bay make movies. Thank you.
Dear Michelle Bachmann,
Your husband is gayer than George Takei dancing on a rainbow in assless chaps. It’s probably best for both of you to acknowledge this now. Not only will it allow you to avoid the inevitable airport bathroom revelation, it will hopefully convince him to stop using federal money to torture openly gay people with his “pray the gay away” program. Maybe then he could start a faith-based initiative that would really benefit the country. I recommend a “Pray Michael Bay Away” program.
There’s a lot of stupid shit going on lately, but I’ve been too busy (or maybe just too lazy) to cover it all in depth here. Instead, I’m going to use a contrived “open letters to people I don’t know” format that will allow me to hit the highlights while simultaneously annoying the Update Update guys. So everybody wins.
Dear Sarah Palin,
Did you really release a book called Undefeated? Seriously? That’s like Paris Hilton releasing a book called Unfucked. In both cases, the interwebs are full of evidence to the contrary.
Dear David Williams,
If you regularly report thousands of dollars in gambling losses on your tax returns, you can’t be against expanding gambling in the state of Kentucky. Our state could really use the jobs, tax revenues, and other economic benefits from gambling money that Kentuckians like you are giving to neighboring states.
Dear Bush Tax Cut Supporters,
Trickle down theory used to be confined to the fringes of the Republican party--even George H.W. Bush called it “voodoo economics”--but today even the allegedly but not really Liberal Obama administration pays lip service to the idea that giving tax cuts to the rich will create jobs. Let’s ignore the 30+ years of evidence that this simply isn’t true and think about it from the perspective of a business owner: Say you run a business making Gadsden flags.Your company is fully staffed with salespeople, office workers, janitors, and enough people on the production floor to turn out 1500 flags a month. Your biggest sales month is April (when all the tea partiers are gearing up for their tax day protests), when you sell about 1400 flags. The rest of the year, you average around 1000 flags a month. If the government gives you a tax cut, are you going to use that money to hire an employee you don’t need? Exactly. If we want the economy to improve, we need to put money into the hands of the morons who buy Gadsden flags, not inflate the bank accounts of the people who outsourced their jobs to China in the first place.
Dear Nancy Grace,
I hear there’s a dead white girl at the bottom of the Marianas Trench. Why don’t you go check that out?
Dear Hollywood,
Please make a buddy cop movie starring John Turturro and Alan Tudyk. Don’t let Michael Bay have anything to do with it. While you’re at it, stop letting Michael Bay make movies. Thank you.
Dear Michelle Bachmann,
Your husband is gayer than George Takei dancing on a rainbow in assless chaps. It’s probably best for both of you to acknowledge this now. Not only will it allow you to avoid the inevitable airport bathroom revelation, it will hopefully convince him to stop using federal money to torture openly gay people with his “pray the gay away” program. Maybe then he could start a faith-based initiative that would really benefit the country. I recommend a “Pray Michael Bay Away” program.
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